Sleeping Arrangements

Kelly and I purchased a new bed recently and it was delivered this morning. Yay! Now we have a brand new bed that is just for us! This one has never been slept on by anyone one else EVER and will be with us for quite a while. Yay! This purchase has been so important to me...See, I think that everything carries with it a certain energy through its lifetime, bearing memories and signatures of people and events that collect along the way. You spend something like 30% of your life in bed, so that's a lot of history for one object to collect. Kelly has had the bed we have been using for somewhere near ten years. I'll let you put it all together as to the distinct importance this purchase is to me. The underlying message is that this is just for US and no one else EVER. Yay!

Best Christmas Ever

This Christmas was amazing. After just moving home and being under so much stress recently, it was really nice to just have a good, relaxing time.

Friday, Kelly and I went to Grandma Tammy's house and had dinner with her, my dad, Tera, Conor, Chuck and Grandpa Don. Since I baked pies for everyone, I used that as my excuse to not help with dishes. It worked!

Saturday morning we went to my mom's early to be there when the kids opened their presents. I think the best part was Denisha's excitement when she received the Barbie she had really wanted. Then more of the family came over and we opened presents again. We ate dinner, Kelly and I napped, and we all played with the new Christmas toys.

Then, Chuck took us to the airport and we flew to Portland. I can't even begin to tell you how great it was that we were going to the airport together to leave together rather than to tell each other good-bye. Kelly's parents met us at the airport in Portland and took us back to their house where we sat well into the late hours of the night drinking wine and visiting. Two of his sisters and some cousins were there, so it gave me a great opportunity to get to know some more people in the family.

Saturday night the plan had been to spend time with his mother's siblings and their families, but we didn't get to town until that was over, so Sunday morning, two of Kelly's aunts, an uncle and a cousin came by the house. Some family also called Saturday and Sunday night to say hello and let us know they were sorry they missed us, which made us both feel good to know that. It really helped me to feel more included in the family.

Sunday was spent mostly with Kelly's siblings and their families eating and exchanging presents. He has a bunch of adorable neices and nephews who I can't wait to get to know better. It was so funny to me - everyone kept apologizing to me for the family...But the more time I spent with them, the more I grew to love and appreciate Kelly because I felt as though I was getting to know him that much better. I know it's just a funny thing that people do in these situations as a joke (the whole apologies thing), but I really loved spending time with them and letting them get to know me, too.

But ah, we're back in Boise - arrived yesterday morning - and used last night for lots of sleep and relaxation. I just want to give a shout out to everyone we spent time with in the last few days...meals...gift exchanges...conversations. Thank you. You truly made this a very special holiday and a wonderful memory.

Domesticity

There's something to be said for enjoying time off. I have recently been enjoying my time off by playing the role of the house domestic and I have been loving it. I've been cooking actual meals (rather than just macaroni and cheese), knitting, sweeping, scrubbing the bathroom, doing laundry, picking up dry cleaning, wrapping presents...You name it. I've really been enjoying myself. Last night I went running, too, which brought back fond memories of the three week period when Hannah and I were determined to run a 5k. I feel like I can breathe again and it is nice.

But alas, all things must end and this will all end when I procure for myself a position in the working world. So, if anyone knows of someone who is hiring in the Boise area...hook me up!

A Long Way From Virginia

I am finally home, which is a long way from where I was less than a week ago. Now I'm chillin in the City of Trees rather than in Colonial Williamsburg and I love it. The flight was horrid and actually landed in Boise almost four hours late, but it did make it.

I'm finally home, which is a long way from where I thought I wanted to be a few months ago. I've been acclimating myself not only to the freaking cold weather but to living with new people and to being next to Kelly rather than separated from him by a nation. I've been unpacking and getting over a head cold and convincing my body that there's been a time change. I've been breathing and sleeping at night and crying because I'm happy.

I'm finally home, which is where I shall stay for quite a while. The transition is challenging me, but I don't honestly think I would want it if it wasn't.

Brunch

Our apartment's Holiday Brunch was an excessive success today. We had so many people over and they all brought so much food and drink to share. When the UPS guy came tonight after the majority of people had left, we fed him, too. We also fed the GRA and her friend who is in town to visit. And a boyfriend who stopped by to pick up his girlfriend. I say "Kudos!" to Hannah, who did the majority of the planning (and stressing) over the entire event.

Finito

Well, everything is done. I just took my one final exam (and nearly fell asleep while taking it) and everything is turned in and everything is all packed up. Tonight I'm finishing the purse that I knit for Surita yesterday and I'm SLEEPING. Tomorrow we're having a nice, big brunch for all our buds at our apartment. Hannah's been planning it for a few weeks and is super excited about having a party. Then comes Wednesday and I will go home.

My cohort met for lunch today at the Green Leafe Deli next to campus. We had an awful waitress, but the food is superb. I loved it because we were all there - and they wanted to get together with me one last time before I leave. I've never really had a large circle of friends, so this is all new to me. Usually I have to say good bye to everyone one at a time because my friends don't usually know each other, let alone hang out with each other. Even Tim was there. He's the only guy in our program. I love it that he hangs out with us because I could totally see him wanting to reject our group bonding experiences because he's already had a ten-year career, he's the only guy, he's married and he has a kid. But instead he comes out with all us girls and is just as curious about our lives as we are about his.

I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot of apprehension about the transition my life is about to undergo because I have a distinct level of certainty and therefore security in what I am doing now and I have a great fear of losing that. But a wise, caring Metallica fan recently told me that fearing the unknown is ridiculous and I happen to agree with him. Plus, I know that I will be replacing the certainty and security I have now with a different type and a different level of certainty and security that I'll never attain on my own. I really have no idea what I'm getting myself into, but I plan on walking boldly forward with my eyes open to see everything around me, my ears ready to listen intently, and my heart prepared to grow and change with each new experience.

Moving

My room is all packed up now. It looks like I'm going to be leaving soon. And I really am. I will be home in 72 hours from right now!

Song Dedication For Patri

Because she made it through.

We used to say for fun,
Let's say you lived, and then you did
You speak to the weak, an old picture of me
Everybody says they want to be free
and it's a decision, so I am leaving
And I don't want your hand-me-downs
They're old, they're all worn out
No, I don't want to hang around
I don't want your hand-me-downs.

Rockstar

In the last two days, I have written a 16 page paper and a 12 page paper, thus completing my homework for the rest of the semester. I am a rockstar!

Now the issue of packing...

A Song Dedication For Kelly

Here is a part of a Lisa Loeb song called We Could Still Belong Together:

If I hold my breath
If I shut my eyes
If I disappear just for the afternoon.
If I can't help shouting
If I lock you out
If it's not important,
completely unimportant to anyone else but me,
We could still belong together
and together is much better.
We're okay, so hey don't worry now.
Oh wow.
Yes, I complicate
I know, it's just my way,
but "If?" is a question that I ask and nothing more.

Team Trellis

Well today I became a Superserver. I think it's because I finally broke my first glass today. I came home with $124 in tips, which is super fun. It makes me think I could learn to like this. Ha! What a joke. Two days left. Then I'm done forever.

On a sad note, I've noticed that I get sad when I help large parties. I feel sad because it makes me think about the family I don't have here. More specifically, it makes me think of a large dinner party in my near future - the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. I guess I think about that rather than the wedding reception because it will be in a restaurant (similar to the place where I work and hence wait on people) and I'll be surrounded both by the family I've known my whole life and by the family I will spend the rest of my life getting to know. It makes me sad because I miss them. Ten days left. Then I'll be with them forever.

3P

Yay! Good news!. It's about time some of the responsibility is shared...

It's Not Easy

It's really not. I've been having anxiety-ridden dreams. There's so much going on now. So much is getting ready to change. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared at the same time. This really isn't as casual as everyone seems to be treating it. This is what I want. Am I ready?

Washington, D.C.

I just tried to post a huge commentary on my day yesterday in D.C. with Hannah and something happened that made that post disappear and now I'm pissed. So, here's the extremely shortened version.

We went to Vera Wang and tried on wedding dresses just for fun. I tried on three, one of which was nearly $9,000.

We went to the WWII memorial. Two words: absolutely beautiful.

We went to the National Museum of American History where they had a phenomenal exhibit on the history of Brown v. Board of Education. I was frightened at the sight of the KKK robe they had on display and felt oppressed by this empty costume and invisible eyes of malice that stared at me through small eye slits behind the glass pannel. I cried at the video showing riots and actions taken against the black community as they tried to integrate the schools. I cannot believe they would do that to children - innocent, young people who only wanted to be accepted as human beings! A man walked past me at one point and commented to his female companion that he didn't "see what the big deal was." I read recently that my generation is growing increasingly ambivalent to race and is actually more racist on the whole than our parent's generation because we don't think critically about race since we haven't had to deal with the implications of racism like they did. I find it disgusting that we can't live easily with people different from us unless they're struggling just to be heard because otherwise we don't listen and find it so easy to walk away. They had a book there called One Drop of Blood: The American Misadventure of Race that I want to read next semester when I have time off from school.

So back to the trip...We then met her friend Brian who is totally cool and had dinner at a tapas restaurant. Then we drove home. No traffic the entire day, either, which was not only nice but remarkable and relatively unheard of. By the time we arrived at the grad plex, though, we were both having trouble keeping our eyes open. Overall, a wonderful day!

To The Hospital

I've taken my laptop to the PC hospital. W&M has a great IT center where you can just drop off your computer and pick it up in a few days problem-free. I'm looking forward to having a healthy little computer again. In the meantime, I'll miss it while it's gone...

Seventeen

Seventeen was how old I was when I graduated high school. And how old I was when I moved out of my mom's house and to a lonely little dorm in Alamosa, CO. When I was seventeen I had my heart massively broken.

Seventeen magazine.

Seventeen is a low number for a checking account balance. Low, but still positive, which is good.

Seventeen dollars can be represented by three bills.

Seventeen years from now I will be forty, which is another decade entirely. By then, I imagine I won't be in school any more and I may even have kids. When I'm forty, my kids will not be seventeen.

Seventeen ponies dancing in a row. With poodles on their backs and braids in their manes.

Seventeen pages to the end of a book is a good feeling. It's the feeling of being almost there.

Seventeen days until I am home.

Hierarchy

A lot of servers at Trellis think that they are the most imperative cog in the machine of the restaurant. I've come to learn, however, that within the restaurant it does not matter how old you are or how educated you are. All that matters is how long you've been there and how well you know the innerworkings of the machine and how well you can work with all the other pieces of that machine. Some of the servers get upset at the dish washers when they get upset about the way we trade them our dishes. The servers don't like being berated by the dish washers, whom they view as being less important. The truth is, though, that the dish washers have all been doing their job longer than any of us have been serving and without them, we have no dishes to take to our tables. The food expediter often gets upset with us servers and treats us like shit, but the truth is that without us, the food would just stay in the kitchen. I really don't think I fit well into this machination of the food world. Seven more days until I'm out.

Giving Thanks

This morning I woke up (after a quite disturbing dream starring me as the semite Native American that I am) and started working. I cleaned the kitchen first, then started making pies. I constructed a pumpkin streudel pie and a homestyle apple pie. Part way through, I ran out of flour, so Hannah and I walked to the Wawa and picked someup. Back at the ranch, I finished my pies, showered, dressed, and we left for her cooperating teacher's house.

Monica's family is wonderful. Her and her husband Jim have three grown children, Chris, Tony and Katie, who were all present. Chris also brought her boyfriend Garrett. I think this was close to being the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. It was very television-family like. The family was warm and inviting with a host of great stories to share with us. We sat around before dinner drinking and talking. We shared what we were thankful for before eating at the table set with the good china and two candelabras. After dinner we all helped clean up and then we sat around digesting while the pies were cooling. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the pies because I haven't cooked for other people in a while and I've never made that pumpkin streudel pie before. But when we started eating the pies, everyone raved about them. They really were good! Garrett kept telling me that his birthday is this Saturday and that I should bring him another apple pie. I think he ate three pieces. Apparently, he doesn't usually like dessert. After dessert we played a game and then we watched TV for a little while and then Hannah and I left. We figured that since we were tired and that we'd been at their house for eight hours, it was time. We had had such a great time with them, though, that it didn't seem like eight hours at all. It also didn't seem like I was hanging out with strangers, let alone someone else's family. Also, I tried my first bite of tofurkey and it was pretty good!

And, in the spirit of the day, I will give a synopsis of what I am thankful for in my life currently. First of all, I am thankful for a family in Williamsburg who hosted me so incredibly well on my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I am thankful for my own family who has stood by me, not only because they've been there my entire life, but because of the support they have given me in the last year. This last year my life has encountered myriad changes. I've gone from an utterly confirmed single to an engaged woman. I've decided to move across the country and then to change my mind and decide to move back. Through all this, my family has welcomed all this and offered a helping hand. I am thankful for my friends, both new and old, who have aided in the construction of the person I am today. They have all seen me through some sort of identity crisis or two. And finally, I am thankful for the person I have selected as my partner in life, a man who puts up with all my semi-neurotic behavior with minimal complaints and deserves all the love I can muster like no one else I've ever met.

The Good Body

Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, has published a new book called The Good Body. It "examines the never-ending female quest for conventional beauty and how constantly working on our bodies is keeping women from achieving our dreams," which basically means that I want to read it.

American

Hannah and I have been very American this evening. We ate junk food and complained about everything on campus closing for the holiday. The library is closed until Saturday, which pisses me off because I was planning to do copious amounts of research for my lit review there tomorrow, and the rec center is closed until Monday, which pisses us both off because we've recently made that building our local hang out. As far as I can tell from their web site, however, the student health center will be open tomorrow, which is good because I need to pick up my 3P refill. Otherwise, catastrophies could occur.

Rings

My two Monday night evening classes tend to host a silent forum of girls admiring each other's rings. Engagement or wedding rings, usually. At first, this was something that bothered me. A lot. On some level I think I still am bothered by the traditional femaleness of the display of the material body-mark of "ownership" by another human, but I have also come to see it as more than that.

The ring isn't just something that a girl can wear to show off how much she's materially loved by a man. It is something that bonds girls together. The ring can spark a number of different conversations. She may ask about the fiance...his name, his job, what he drives...She may ask how he proposed, and may share her own story as well. She may ask about the wedding...when, where, flowers, dress...Or the conversation may stay on the topic of jewelry itself. The possibilities are endless. The ring is an open door for a conversation, bringing two women to a place of common ground where they can talk about themselves and therefore bond with each other.

I've been thinking a lot about my own ring lately and what it means for me. Kelly and I are both wearing rings now, because I wasn't about to wear one and be the only one (for reasons of bodily markings mentioned above), but also because he wanted to wear one. The ring he's wearing now is kind of a fake one (long story), but I have purchased his real one. I gave it to him while he was here, but it was too big so he'll be wearing the fake one until I move home in 24 days with the new, real one in tow. When he gave me my ring he also gave me a little speech about loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life being happy with me. When I gave him his ring, I gave him a little speech about wanting to show that I am ready to make whatever changes necessary to let everyone who sees us know that we live for each other. In thinking about my own ring, I am also mindful of the fact that I need to get it cleaned before Christmas.

Thinking about rings has prompted me to think about our wedding. This event, which I had never thought would be much of a big deal, is turning into something huge. Not huge in size, but huge in importance. I think that our current separation is making that more apparent for me. At our wedding, we will be telling each other in front of everyone we know and love and who love us in return that we love each other and will promise to spend every day together until death should part us. It means so much more after this separation - to me, at least - because I hear him talk about spending time with people every day who either don't know me or have only met me a couple times. In their minds, I am distant. In some of their minds, I could be merely a figment of Kelly's imagination. Moving home will end that and our marriage will solidify my own reality in his life as well as our reality as a devoted partnership.

Payday

I received my first actual paycheck from Trellis today. Now, I knew going into this that waiting tables would not produce large paychecks because the primary means of income for a server was in the tips. However, what I found on my paycheck still surprised me. Here's the breakdown:

38.5 hours at $2.13
and
1 hour at $5.15

After taxes, my paycheck amounted to $5.37. No, not a typo. That's just over five dollars. So for anyone who has never waited tables or known anyone who has waited tables and think that tipping isn't all that important, here ya go.

Oh, yeah, and that's for two weeks worth of work. So every two weeks, I get to look forward to an extra five bucks. Now that's just plain overwhelming!

Tonight

I don't care how much Kelly laughs at me for it, but tonight was a lot of fun. He just laughs because he doesn't know any better.

Tonight, Surita and Helene came over. We drank wine and ate bread dipped in extra virgin olive oil and garlic pepper. They are both big "OC" fans. It's a TV show. I've never seen it, but whatever. Then we watched "Happy Birthday, Jessica, Love, Nick" on MTV because Surita is a huge Jessica Simpson fan. Then - and maybe it was because this was our last night of group or maybe it was the wine - we showed each other our breasts and talked about them. Because that's something that a lot of girls are self-conscious about, no matter how many men tell her they're beautiful (Because honestly, no man is going to say, "No, actually, I think your boobs are hideous. Please put your shirt back on."), and have relatively no venue to discuss that concern openly. So we discussed that tonight. Then I signed up for AOL messenger because that's what all the cool people on the east coast do, apparently, whereas all the rest of us in mountain standard time use MSN messenger. And I had a really great time with them.

They've also, as a side note, started talking about having a going-away-party for me. I love that idea. I've never really had one of those before. I've never been tight with a large group of people before in my entire life - not like I am here. I usually just have a couple of close friends or separate circles that I hang out with. Nothing like this, where everyone knows everyone else and we all - for the most part - get along. I am really going to miss this. I've always been envious of people who have had this. But alas, I will have other things. The moral of the story is that I really hope that there is some sort of a going-away-ness for me...If anything just because this is the first time in my life when I will have that opportunity...and quite possibly the last...

I mean, I've had going-away parties before, but not with all my friends present. This would be the only time that that would be at all possible.

OK, I'm repeating myself. And if I keep thinking about it, I just may end up crying a little. So I'm done.

Election Goodness

There is some good that comes of the election results, I have decided. Now I have an excuse to wear the "Knitters Against Bush" shirt. Because I am. A knitter against Bush. Now all I need is to obtain said t-shirt. In case you're feeling generous, I wear a medium in the "March on Washington" style.

Huh.

So I'm delaying doing this thing they call homework. I think I've already done quite a bit this morning, although it has all been little, easy stuff. Like emailing group members repeatedly and writing a press release, which I can effectively do in my sleep, thanks to the ladies in Boise State's News Services. Now I need to work on my final for my theories class and write a reflection paper for group. Neither one difficult, but neither one particularly interesting, either. Huh.

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I currently have an overflowing box of my personal items that I need to get rid of. Some clothes, some paper, some highlighters. Like 30 highlighters. I received a bunch for free once and have just been holding on to them. I've decided to set them free...To give them a new home with someone else who needs new highlighters. I also have some random wooden picture frames that I hate. They're nice and all, I just am not a huge fan of wooden picture frames lately. So if anyone would like to acquire some new stuff that at one time belonged to me, please just stop on by.

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It has been a while since I've put any links within my text for people to check out. I wonder if anyone ever did that anyway. I really have no way of knowing. I just realized that it has been a while since I've provided you with that opportunity. It has also been a while since I've placed any photos on here. This is because I really have no way of doing that. If I had a digital camera I probably would do that more often. But I don't. So I can't. Huh.

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I attended a conference (sort of) on Monday in D.C. for school counselors. Actually (and why I say "sort of"), it was more like an informal meeting just for school counseling students at W&M. All 20 of us. Whatever. It was still all day and in D.C. and very informative. Throughout the course of the day, I found myself sitting there thinking "Wow...This is all really great information. I wish this was what I wanted to do so that I could use this information in my near future." Surita, however, was salivating at the chance to be able to use this information in her near future. I suppose that just further illustrates the differences in people and my firm resolution that this is not what I want to do. I actually went to this conference thinking to myself that I would allow it to change my mind back if possible...that I would not be resistant to being inspired or coerced. These things did not happen.

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My goal for the day is to drink three litres of water. I have already consumed one and one third and I'll be attending a hip-hop class later tonight, so I'm sure I'll make it.

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I love burning candles that smell nice. I'm not a huge vanilla fan, though. I think I was so addicted to it in high school that now the scent simply repulses me. I enjoy a variety. Lately I've been burning a holiday cobbler candle in the apartment. I like lighter, less musky scents.

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I'm really not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving alone this year. I think that maybe I'll stop whining about it, though, and start planning to have a good time without my family. I guess that's the only way I'll make it through without being all depressed like a loser.

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I have a difficult time remembering that certain situations affect more people than just me. I also have a difficult time remembering to apologize for my ego-centrism. I need to work on that.

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I'm still delaying the homework. I think I'm going to go to the bathroom (to delay just a little more and because I've already consumed 1 1/3 litres of water) and then return to my desk with fervor and readied typing fingers.

Bathroom Stuff

For anyone who doesn't know me very well, I will just let you know that I own many things that go in the bathroom...shampoos, conditioners, lotions, make-up...you name it. And I use all of it. Not all at the same time, mind you, but through time and on different days, I use all of it. Right now all my stuff is spread out because I don't have enough room in the bathroom for it. In the bathroom I have a little metal stand that is not condusive to the bottles standing erect, but rather, the little shelves make my little bottles topple over, which makes my shelves look cluttered in a way I deem unnecessary.

Here is my dream...I dream that I have a space in the bathroom that is all mine. Perhaps a cupboard above the toilet. It has solid shelves rather than shelves made of small metal bars spaced too far apart. It has doors so that my effects are shielded from on-lookers who may complain in exasperation and so that the bathroom maintains an air of tidiness. There is an area where I can place little containers to separate out my lipglosses from my eyeliners rather than keeping them in my too small make-up bag. It will even have ample room for me to place my curling irons, blow dryer and hair brushes as well as somewhere to place my jewelry.

I don't like the idea of having a vanity, but this idea absolutely makes me giddy. It is my great hope that I shall have this exquisite set-up in my lifetime.

Birthday Fun

I just realized that I didn't mention any of the fun stuff Kelly and I did while he was here. Well, I had told him that the entire time he was in Virginia it was to be considered his birthday, so I told him "Happy Birthday" as much as I possibly could.

Thursday we went shopping for new panties for me to wear and him to appreciate. (Sorry for that one Dad, I couldn't help but throw it in there just for you.) Then he took Hannah to the Richmond airport while I went to my group therapy class. Afterwards, we went to dinner with a bunch of people from my program, which was fun for two reasons: 1) Kelly was able to meet a ton of people I spend my days with, and 2) it gave everyone a good reason to wind down and hang out. That night, Surita brought a birthday cake over that she had made for him and the three of us, along with her boyfriend Chris and Helene, ate cake and hung out. Then Helene went home and the remaining four of us went to the local deli for a drink.

Friday morning started at a local elementary school where Kelly helped my intro class with a literacy project we were doing with the kids. Then we came back to my apartment, watched movies, took a nap and snacked all afternoon.

Saturday (the actual day of birth) I woke up before Kelly (not unusual) and made him a huge breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, toast and orange juice, which I delivered to him in bed. It helped my cause immensely that he's a heavy sleeper and when I told him that I had to go do something and that I would be right back, in his sleepy state he didn't find that at all suspicious. Then we went to the Williamsburg Winery for a winery tour, a tasting of eight wines and a very delicious lunch. Afterward, we went to the shop where I last tried on wedding dresses so I could show him the dresses I had liked there. Then we came back to my apartment and took a little (much needed after all the wine) cat nap before heading out to the final surprise for the weekend - a historic ghost tour. There's a company here in the Burg that does these historic ghost tours and when I found out about it, I knew I wanted to take Kelly for his birthday. That was about two months ago. The tour covered a little about the college (since the college is literally across the street from the colonial part of town) and then we walked through part of the colonial streets. Our tour guide was the tiniest British woman who was absolutely fantastic. We decided we would like to take her home with us, we liked her so much.

So that was our weekend in a nutshell. I had such a superb time! While he was here, it was difficult to remember a time when he hadn't been here. I've noticed that about when we're together - that it just seems like we've always been together. That feeling leaves me confident for the time when our separation will terminate...for the time when we will be able to spend each night together and each day counting the mornings we've shared rather than the mornings until we have to say "Good bye." After this little visit, I feel invigorated. I feel ready to finish the semester strong, in order to pass the time quickly. I feel excited to pack and prepare to move myself back to Boise. Mostly, though, I feel ready to begin a new chapter in my life, one with Kelly by my side each and every day. I am ready to do what it takes to make that the only reality we know, and to make the reality of our separation a mere memory.

If It Ain't King James It Ain't Bible

I find that some things that appear in my daily life are true and accurate representations of this area as a whole, in an overgeneralized and overstereotyped version of my experience here. For instance, the bumpersticker I witnessed while driving back to Williamsburg from the Norfolk airport this morning, which doubled for me as the title of this post. No, I did not leave out any punctuation or articles.

Williamsburg is an interesting place, for certain. No more do I marvel at what people wear - not since seeing people in standard 18th century dress has become commonplace in the grocery store or at the bar. Er, uh, the deli. I have grown accustomed to stopping in the middle of the road - not necessarily at a crosswalk - to allow a gaggle of tourists to walk in front of my car like a mess of geese. People here refer to foothills as "large mountains." People here forget to use verbs. There is a standard decorum to uphold, which includes not showing too much skin in the summer by wearing a spaghetti-strapped tank top. Names and money are of particular importance here. As are bricks. There are some days I can convince myself that I'm living in a literal war zone because I can hear cannons bursting from the war reinactments nearby. And you never go too long without hearing a fife and drum corps walking down the street.

Yes, this is where I live.

Yay!

Kelly came in last night. It is a darn good thing I'm perpetually early to things because I arrived at the same exact time that his plane landed...A HALF HOUR EARLY. Ah, but he's here and the fun can begin. I gave him a polaroid camera last night and he was surprised and wondering how I knew he had always wanted one. Gee, could it be that I actually listen when he talks? No...Couldn't be. So, lots of other fun stuff to do this weekend, but I can't talk about it here because who knows how or when he'll get his crafty little hands on a computer. Can't take any chances of ruining stuff. See, if I tell him and nothing is a surprise, it's just like any other day of the year. This weekend is his birthday and that means everything is going to be special.

Dr. Day-VInes

Dr. Day-Vines is my advisor here at William & Mary. There's something about her that makes me just want to hang out with her all the time. I went into her office today to talk to her about my decision to switch programs and schools and wound up talking for quite a while about Kelly and my kids. When I gave her the news, she looked genuinely sad. She said that she was really going to miss me but that she wishes me the best and volunteered to write me a letter of recommendation and asked me to stay in touch with her. I didn't think that she would be so affected or care that much, so her response is particularly touching. I respect her and find her to be such a fascinating person...it makes me glad she likes me and cares about me that much.

Pondering By The Window

Here's a little something I wrote today...Minimal, timely edits included. This is in response to multiple and varied people.

I'm sitting in the library next to the window, looking out at life on the east coast changing to fit the newest autumn color scheme. Transitional seasons have always been my favorites because each day brings a crisp, unseen face to the world. It is a beautiful process that Mother Nature conducts effortlessly; a gentle fade from one period to the next.

I suppose, then, that it is appropriate for me at this time to contemplate what I am doing and contemplate a change in my life. I thought i wanted to be a school counselor mostly based on a bad Jennifer Aniston film. Now that I'm learning more about the program and my future with the profession, I'm boubting the verity of my choice.

I know what I want to do. I want to study literature or teaching and I want to teach high school English. When I talk to people about it though, they're concerned that Kelly is the cause for my change in focus, when in reality, he has very little to do with it. This program is not what I thought it would be. At first I loved it, but the deeper into it I go, the less I want to continue with it. I don't like the research. I don't like APA format. There are no new ideas/concepts I didn't study in undergrad and what new literature I do come across no longer excites me. I don't like the national conception of the job. I don't like my future prospects with the job. This is NOT what I thought it would be. This is NOT what I wanted.

So, how is it wrong, then, for me to change my mind, my future, my direction? Williamsburg is a great place, but it is not the place for me. I don't really fit in here. So why should I stay? What will I prove? That I can live without Kelly? That seems to be a big concern when people try to tell me this is a bad idea.

Here's a little tid bit for you: This is not about Kelly.

Yes, I miss him and yes, I want to be with him and yes, I want to attend Boise State for my teaching program, but this decision about MY schooling is a decision about ME. Yes, it affects him because it affects me, but I am not going to make a decision based on his immediate goals or needs or even his version of my future. He wants me to make the decision that will make ME happy. And I won't be 100% happy if I stay here and if I stay in this program.

I want to return to Boise. I will live with Kelly six blocks from campus and will take classes at a discounted rate because he is a state employee and we'll be married, so that benefit extends to me. I want a classroom rather than an office. I want to tell people what I do and not have them ask what exactly that entails. I want to talk literature all day and teach young people how to communicate their thoughts through the written word.

And I'm sick of people cautioning me against this because they view Kelly's role in this as my driving force in decreasing myself in the educational process because of their own personal biases against relationships. Maybe I will start a new program and hate it. Maybe I will change my mind again. Maybe I will change my mind back to school counseling. Whichever way I do things, this change is not wrong and it is not a demotation of myself in the educational process. It is difficult to be a teacher and the position of "teacher" is one I think is not regarded nearly as highly as it should be. In my opinion, being a teacher is more important - if only just for the average student (who rarely visits the counselor's office) - than being a school counselor.

I'm still open to feedback on this issue - feedback that does not involve Kelly, but rather focuses on my educational goals as an individual. Feedback about things like how well I would do as a teacher and if I'm good with writing and literature. A few people have already done this; the people who honestly know me have told me honestly about me, without talking about how I'm "making a decision for Kelly." Because these people know me and know I wouldn't do that.

I think it is easy to make a rash decision based on the pangs and twangs of your heart, but if you're making an (attempted) educated decision about the rest of your life, things are a little different. That's what this is. Counseling or teaching is the debate this time, not whether or not I want to be with Kelly. I already have that one figured out.

Three Days

Zero more days left to work at Trellis until Kelly gets here and only three days total until he's here. He's coming for his birthday on the 13th. Yay! It will be the last time I see him until I go home at the end of this semester and I'll only be able to see him for three days, so I'm going to make every second count.

My Friends

I have just decided that I haven't done justice to the people with whom I have fallen in love here in Virginia. That stops now.

Surita was the first person in my program I became friends with. I honestly started to talk to her because she was the prettiest girl in my group therapy class, which was our first class of the semester. Later, I found out that she thought the same thing about me and that was why she started talking to me. I've since learned that Surita is even more beautiful inside. She is young and energetic and has an optimism that never fails. She is strong and independent and incredibly on task with every color-coded event in her date book. She loves big. Huge. And with every part of herself. She has incredible insight to people and situations and has this uncanny ability to read between the lines like no one I've ever met. When she listens, you know she is listening because you can almost see her physically absorbing the words coming out of your mouth. After I'd only known her a couple weeks she made a comment about us being friends for the rest of our lives and I knew it would be true.

Hannah was the first person I really met here. Kelly and I were sitting on the couch watching The Abyss when she walked through the front door and said, "Hi, I live here too. I'm Hannah." Then she went to her room until the end of the movie, when she re-emerged into our conversation and sat chatting with us for quite a while about work, school, traveling, you name it. Hannah is full of great stories and many of them being with something like "One time when I was in Austria..." or "When I lived on this Scottish island..." or "Oh my goodness, in Honduras they..." My favorite story is the one where she had a run-in with the head of the Croatian maffia. She gets stressed when she has a lot going on, but when things calm down she always comes back to me and apologizes for being cranky. She gets so excited about absolutely everything with childlike glee. She loves people and parties and conversations and good friend circles. She also loves competitions and likes turning whatever she can into a race of some sort. I don't think I've ever met someone so motivated to be absolutely amazing every single day.

Abby is almost paradoxical to me because she says that she needs to learn to be stronger, but I see her as already having achieved that. Abby has left her home and her boyfriend of four years to pursue her degree here, all of which causes her to struggle inside. She doesn't get down about it, though. She sees what will be there for her in the end and she knows that everything right now is worth it. She has invested herself in this program and the rest of us in the program in a way I never could. She talks to everyone and knows what is going on with them and makes sure to ask them periodically how they're doing. She has a sort of city-savvy attitude that amuses me here in little Williamsburg; I see her loving Chicago. Her mid-west attitude of life is a little laissez-faire, a little goal-oriented and a lot personal because she really places her heart in what she does. Incredibly generous and incredibly helpful, her strength really lies in what she is truly able to do for othe people completely effortlessly because to her it is like breathing.

Carmen appears seemless to me in the respect that her life, rather than aspects of it being pieced together like a quilt, fades from one thing to the next like a gentle wash of myriad colors. She is always calm and collected and generally up-beat about things. Nothing in her life is out of place; rather, it all just manages to fit nicely together in a manner that allows her to handle things as they come. She loves Christmas videos and started listening to holiday music about two weeks ago. This girl is incredibly smart, especially concerning American history and politics. She is going to make just about the best elementary school teacher on the planet, with one asset being her soothing, calming voice that, even as an adult, makes me want to sit down and listen all night. She is also incredibly good humored. She is so good at making small talk with strangers of all sorts while at the same time being so good at really connecting with a person and knowing all the important things to ask.

Helene is much more integrated in all of our lives than she realizes. She is friendly and helpful and willing to try just about anything. She allows me to be a little more crazy than normal, mostly, I think, just because she wants to see what is going to happen. She has a wonderful sense of humor, laughs easily and can usually keep the laughter coming. She is relaxed in the way she handles just about everything, from work/school stress to her silly friends. She gives great spontaneous compliments and is able to really voice her true, uncomplicated thoughts on a situation. When she encourages, sometimes it sounds more like peer pressure, which makes me laugh. When she sincerely encourages, it makes you think you were ridiculous for ever having doubted yourself.

Kat is my third roommate. There is a lot about this girl that confuses me, but the basic quality of her nature is a gentle, loving woman with an overwhelming sense of generosity. She is very simple and doesn't get caught up or fooled by the pretentions of life that distract most other people.

Understanding

There's a lot about life and this world in general that I do not understand.

I don't understand how someone could vote based on one issue alone, especially when they do not fully understand that issue or are completely ignoring every other issue.

I don't understand how any American student today who has found themself strapped for cash in the last four years could vote for Bush.

I don't understand how any minority (gender, racial, religious...) who cares an inch about history and the fact that their representative group has been denied the right to decide on laws and officials or who cares about their current personal freedoms could sit idly by without voting.

I don't understand how any woman could vote for Bush, a man who thinks he knows what is best for us. A man who advocates against my right and my ability to make a decision for myself. Am I talking about *gasp* abortion here? Yeah, that and other things. That man is never going to meet me, let alone see my vagina. Who is he to tell me what to do with it? Maybe I'll introduce him to every woman's friend - the coat hanger. Or maybe I won't have to because a nation full of women who will go uncared for and over "protected" through health care, education and drug testing - more than just abortion - will do it for me. Did you know that there was a southern state recently trying to pass legislation against female genital piercings? They said it was genital mutilation! If I should decide to have my genitals pierced, that is my decision - not the decision of another rich, white guy who will also never see my vagina. I propose that we pass legislation against male piercings, masturbation and circumcision just to make it all fair!

I don't understand how any black person could vote for Bush, a man who has completely ignored that entire group of Americans, if I may lump and generalize for a brief moment. Not to mention the fact that status quo government (the definition of the man's party) was all for maintaining the status quo even just forty years ago - within my parents' lifetimes. Status quo government saw no problem in segregating schools, spraying people with fire hoses or imprisoning those who enacted change. I suspect that they even turned their back on the crosses burning on lawns and the limp bodies swinging by their necks in the tree neighboring those crosses. Coming back to the present, Bush himself has desecrated MLK Day and shunned the NAACP.

I don't understand how any parent with a child in the school system could vote for Bush. He has made it so difficult for teachers to effectively teach students what they will find most useful. He has made it so difficult for students with learning disabilities. He has made it so difficult for children who are limited in English proficiency. He is limiting students and teachers across the board.

I don't understand what I am doing. I wanted to attend a liberal school, to be surrounded with a forward-moving atmosphere that would be encouraging to me. Here, I am the crazy liberal. I wanted to do something that would enable me to work with youth, to empower them and help them think, grow and change. As a school counselor, I'm learning that most of what I will do will be scheduling changes and that I'll rarely meet with a student for more than a ten-minute session. I wanted to do something empowering for myself, that would help me grow all the time and would constantly introduce me to new people and new ideas. In my field I could actually be introduced to the new idea of bus or cafeteria duty because the roll of the school counselor is widely undefined except in the arena that it is the band-aid position for the rest of the school. I wanted to be able to be politically motivated with the ability to contribute something, if only just a new idea. I feel out of touch with that here.

I don't understand what I want right now, I guess, and I don't understand what I'm saying. I'm afraid of a lot right now and this is just some of it. I thought this was what I wanted, but I don't know if it still is. If anyone out there has a crystal ball or at least a good deck of tarot cards, I'd be much obliged if you could be of some assistance...

Angry

I am angry. I'm angry much of the time. I hate being away from Kelly. I hate (yes, that's a strong word - I use it purposely) the time we spent apart from each other on a daily basis. I hate it that when one of us has a bad day, the other one isn't there to make it better. I hate it that when one of us has a good day, the other one isn't there to share in it. I hate it that he awoke and dressed himself on the morning of an important job interview and I wasn't there to tell him he looked nice and give him a kiss for confidence. I hate it that he didn't spend my birthday with me. I hate it that he spent Halloween in another state. I hate it that I'm watching the election results right now with my friends and he's watching the election results right now with his friends and we're not watching the election results together.

It makes me furious that we're apart during so many important times and events, things that would be so much better if we were together. I'm furious and I'm depressed and I'm basically miserable every day. I wake up in a bad mood because I'm waking up alone. I can laugh all day long, but at night I'm back to my own bed, which brings me back down. I've been told recently how brave and strong I am because I go out with people on my own. I didn't think it was a big deal because I used to do that all the time, but then I realized that a lot of people don't do that at all when they're dating someone else seriously. I do it mostly as a distraction.

I really hate it that we're going to be apart for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be alone for Thanksgiving. I'll be with Hannah and have received numerous other invites to spend the day with friends, but essentially, I will be alone for the first time on a major holiday.

It also makes me mad that I feel this strongly, that I'm so depressed all the time about this. It makes me feel like I've given in and that I'm dependent upon someone else for my emotional well-being and I hate that.

The truth is, I am fine and would be fine forever here with no one else. The truth is also that I do not want to do that. I want to be with Kelly and I want to invest this time of my life in our relationship. So I've decided to take next semester off. I'm not interested in school right now and I think that's partially to do with my seething anger as much as the fact that I've never taken time off from school in 19 years. I'm going to return to Boise for a few more months and live with Kelly so that we can stop spending important events alone - or at least we can stop spending them without each other. And we can spend some of our engagement time, which has until this point been spent in opposite states, together.

Just as a side note, I AM NOT taking off a semester to "plan my wedding." I've had to explain that to a few people here already and I only made the decision last week. I think that is one of the stupidest, cop-out reasons to take time off from school. Our decision is based on wanting to foster growth in our relationship now, avoid making too many large adjustments in too short of a time next summer, and the fact that it is extremely financially responsible.

Comments

I miss hearing everyone's comments. For so long people were commenting and responding to everyone else and now that is gone and I miss it. I hope Virginia hasn't made me that boring. *sigh* I'm not whining or begging, just letting you know that I miss hearing from you...

Work

I'm getting ready to leave for work. My hair is all pulled up and my make-up is applied. I'm wearing my black shirt, bra, socks, pants and panties. Usually I wear black eyeliner, too, but today I decided to be exciting and wear purple. I didn't hate waitressing yesterday as much as I hated it last Sunday, so that's at least positive. I don't think I'm as horrible of a waitress this weekend.

I've decided that I like people but I hate the other stuff I have to do to get to work with people. At the bank, I hated the money. At Trellis, I hate the food. I have been worrying about food for myself my entire life, really. If I don't eat it, I die. So one eating disorder and myriad palate changes later, I don't really care all that much what other people have and if they want more to drink. I really want to tell them, "I'm not here to wait on you. You know where the kitchen is, get it yourself." But the truth of the matter is that I really am there to wait on them. And that frustrates me. This is neither a fun nor stimulating job and is really nothing I can honestly take seriously. My honest thought at this point is that if I do something that they don't like and they decide to fire me, I would care less about that than I've ever cared about anything in my entire life.

Total Riot

When I was in Seattle a year ago this September I picked up a zine called "Total Riot" by some girl I don't know. I really enjoyed reading this zine but haven't picked it up again until today. I mean, it's only about 18 half-pages long, so it isn't like it holds a plethora of attention-grabbing material for me, but I was perusing it today and came across something that made me think.

The author had made a list of what "love" is. Included in her list are things like (these are her words, errors and all) "sticking out my tongue at the police from the cafe window. lalala! you can't see me!" and "watching prettie people pass by" and "having somebody tell me that they want to put me into a chinese take-out box. and take me home." One of them was this: "having someone to miss."

I think that resonates with me particularly right now because there are so many people I miss in Boise - old people, as in old in my life - and so many more I'm going to miss soon - new people, as in new in my life. At first it doesn't seem right that you have to love someone to miss them, but I guess that how much you miss them is in a way correlational to how much you love them. I wouldn't miss anyone at all if I didn't love them. So I guess that yeah, love is having someone to miss.

I Never Thought

Kelly and I had planned on the fact that being separated would be difficult, but I honestly never thought it would be this difficult.

Really, though, I should have known better.

A few weeks after we started dating, we each took a weekend trip and were separated for an absurd amount of time. Like a day and a half. Waiting for him at the airport was the longest 20 minutes of my life, especially since his plane was late. I was so scared of so many things...Would he be excited to see me? Did he miss me too? Would I recognize him? (It sounds silly, but most fears usually are.) Would he EVER get off the airplane? When we saw each other there was a burst of joy within me. We connected, he dropped his suitcase to hold me instead and we kissed and kissed as though to make up for the previous two days right at that moment. At that moment I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be away from him for any longer.

But I have been. I've been away from him for much longer. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Now I count the days until my next burst of joy. Now I'm scared of other things. This needs to end. For my sanity, this needs to end.

Alone: Day One

I was on my own for the first time as a server today and I think it went rather well. I had a small section of three tables so aside from forgetting bread a few times, I was able to stay on top of everything. My first table of the day was a couple who became angry that their food was taking so long. The manager explained to them that it wasn't anything that I did, but that their order for whatever reason just never showed up in the kitchen. Odd. But they were furious so they just paid for their drinks (2 rummers and a vodka martini at noon) and left. The funny thing is that they were yelling at Cara about having to wait an hour and a half, but then she informed them that they had only been there for about 45 minutes because of a)the time the restaurant opened and b)the time on my copy of their food order. So then it became a huge joke with everyone in the restaurant that everyone and everything was taking an hour and a half and we were all laughing about it. Cara was really great with them, trying to calm them down, and also with me, making sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault and that I wasn't upset about it. Jared, one of the bussers, talked to me in the kitchen right afterward and just gave me a little "Go A--" pep talk. I really was fine, but I thought it was super nice anyway and made sure to thank him for his encouragement.

After that, the day went just fine. I did have my first spill today. I spilled some iced tea all over my tray and in the bowl of tomato bisque soup. I didn't imagine that would have been a tasty combination, so I had to start all over on that tray. No big deal - I was still in the kitchen when it happened and no one even noticed. Plus, nothing broke, so I guess that means I still win.

All in all, I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the whole waiting tables thing. I have another small section tomorrow, which is good because I don't think I'm ready for anything more just yet. I'm really not in any rush, so I just want to take this slow and make sure that I know what I'm doing before I do any more.

I just want to say something about the people I work with while I'm thinking about it. No matter how much I may end up hating this job, I will just be amazed at the dynamics of the people at this place. Maybe this is true for other restaurants as well...I don't know. I just see these people from all sorts of backgrounds and they come together and have a good time catering to other people's appetites. We walk briskly through the kitchen shouting out things like "Excuse me, ma'am" and "Right behind you, sir" with Pleases and Thank yous flying all over the place. We hold the doors for each other, help each other loading trays and bring extras of items from the back in anticipation that someone else will be able to use them. We know when someone is having a bad day (or a first day) and make sure to inquire and encourage through the shift. I spent time really appreciating that during my second shift last Saturday, as I noticed the sheer beauty of everyone working and cooperating in what appeared to me to be a seemless fashion. It is just amazing to me, that's all. And regardless of how anything turns out, I'm glad to be a part of it for now.

Tips

I decided that since I work at a restaurant now, I wanted to learn how I can maximize the tips I will be receiving, so I found a web site that offers methods to increase tips that have been scientifically tested and are backed up by statistics. And I figure that if statistics are involved then things just must be true. Yea, well, the site is cool in general, but if you wait tables (or some day aspire to such a stimulating and rewarding position), you should definitely check it out.

My To Do List

I don't mean to brag, but, um, I'm going to.

I wrote a "To Do" list today and here's what it contained:

laundry
aerobics at 6:20
email Jenny
send mail
buy new black tennis shoes for work
balance checkbook
read and respond for group
write techniques response
start reading for Monday
look over menu
look in VA book for activities
call health clinic
buy soap
buy tampons

And now, at the end of my day, here are the only things that remain on my list:

start reading for Monday
look over menu
look in VA book for activities
call health clinic

Now, I did not call the health clinic for a very good reason and that is because I had to get some things in order before calling them, so I plan to call them in the morning. I did not look for VA activities, but I did get my book out and flip through it to see how it is organized. Plus, I don't really need to have anything picked out of there for another two weeks at least. I don't feel bad about not reading for Monday since today is only Wednesday. And I'm getting ready to read over the menu for work tomorrow right now!

I feel so accomplished!

Oh, and by the way...I promise to start writing about interesting things - perhaps even things of substance - soon...Instead of the ho-hum bland things of my day-to-day existence, such as my "To Do" list.

The Un-Perm

I sat in my bathtub tonight squeezing the contents of the little white bottle all over my hair and combing it through to the ends. The chemicals dripped all over my naked body as I waited the ten minutes it took to complete the transformation process. As usual, a handful of wet hair gathered about me through the combing process and entwined itself across my fingers, clinging to my arms and the sides of the tub. Next to me on the bath mat were the tools of the trade: hair clips, a mirror, an extra comb, scissors and the empty box.

Finally the wait was up. I stood, closed the curtain, and rinsed my hair in lukewarm water for three minutes. It felt coarse like straw and I was unimpressed.

After the three minutes I emptied the contents of bottle number two onto my head and combed through my straw-hair for five minutes. My hair began to feel less like straw. Then I rinsed again under lukewarm water, rinsed conditioner through my hair, turned off the water and cleaned up my mess of hair and emptied containers and hair clips.

I now have straight hair.

Delay

I have about a billion hours of homework to do but only about seven hours to complete it between tonight and tomorrow night. Therefore, I felt the need to do something other than homework. Which is why I'm writing on my blog.

On a happy note, I think I'm thought of as cool by some of the cool guys at work. They were joking around with me and I was joking back and they were laughing, which I take as a good sign. Plus, I was making "Zoolander" jokes with them and quoting the characters. It's always nice to be generally liked. I like that I can hold my own in situations. I find that it is easier to bond with guys like that, anyway. Girls are touchy and don't usually make an effort early on because they have to sit and have a conversation before they can think you're cool. Guys are so much easier.

White Privilege

We recently read an article for group therapy on white privilege and had to post our thoughts and responses to it. I posted last week as assigned, but went back tonight and reread the article and the responses from my classmates and discovered that I was incensed because the majority of them completely misunderstood the whole point of the article. So I posted again. I hope some of them read it. I'm going to post it here for you to read, just because I think that it has been far too long since I've posted anything here that would lead you to think that I have half a brain. Basically, here's the premise. The author was saying that inherent in the American system is white privilege, which whites are, for the most part, oblivious to, and that to enact systemic change, more whites need to be consciously aware of that fact. People in my class thought apparently that she was speaking directly to them, calling them racist because they're white (nowhere in the piece does she say "If you're white, you're racist"), and blaming them for the state of things. They got angry. Then they felt guilty. Then the one guy in class (who admitted to not understanding the article or the big words in the article) commented that since she started off by talking about male privilege, that he thought she would say in the end that she understood and felt almost sympathetic to the construct. (Incidentally, here are the difficult words I found in the article: taxonomy, differentiated, meritocracy, conferring and unsought. Not even all of those are difficult, but I do think that they are above a fifth grade reading level.) I didn't even get through all the important points I wanted to, but that's all right. I think this is fuel enough...for now.

***

I've gone through this article again as well as responses from my classmates and at the risk of beating a dead horse or just pissing someone off, I want to comment once more on the topic.

First of all, it astonished me how many people expressed anger with the article. The entire purpose of the article, in my opinion, was to bring awareness to a group that is seldom forced to be aware - not to embitter. I think that so many people becoming upset about the topic reinforces exactly what McIntosh said about whites being oblivious to their privilege. But ah, something else first...

McIntosh defines privilege as a "favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck" (2) and nothing more. Nowhere that I could find through the article does McIntosh declare that because Caucasians are privileged, they are, as a whole, also minority-hating racists. I believe the following paragraph sums it up nicely:

It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness
about male advantage, is kept strongly incluturated in the United States so as
to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is
equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of
confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those
in power, and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have
most of it already. (4)

Indeed, she is not stating that whites are born and bred to be racist, simply that America's system of privilege is so ingrained and so deeply rooted that it is invisible even to those who control it and whom it benefits. These "invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance" (4) are not merely the system of racism. Rather, they are the myriad systems that surround and drive American society, such as government, education and the workforce, to name a few. These systems are all intertwined and mingle with each other, so much so that they are virtually indistinguishable in many aspects.

For instance, let us consider for a moment the poor white man and the rich black man. The question is posed: Who is more powerful? To many, it appears obvious that the rich man, regardless of race, will be seen as more powerful. To others, it appears obvious that the white man, regardless of socio-economic status, will be seen as more powerful. The truth is that these two men will most likely not come into contact with each other unless deemed necessary by their situation, in which case the situation will determine who is more powerful. If the rich, black man breaks down in front of the poor, white man's farm, he is at the mercy of the white man's assistance (assuming he has no outside immediate resources). On the flip side, the poor, white man could be the employee of the rich, black man, answering his commands based simply on employment status. In each instance, issues of class and race are apparent, but they are dictated by extraneous factors.

But this all deals more with power than with privilege, which was McIntosh's focus. When examining this article it does appear that McIntosh is generalizing American whites when what she is doing is stating facts about America's majority culture. It is true that when a white person walks into the store to purchase a doll, that person will easily be able to find a doll representing their own race. It is true that any white person can easily find white people spoken about in history books. These are not personal attacks at the reader, but merely true statements about the treatment of the white race in America. Yes, they are generalizations. Yes, they are broad statements. No, they are not meant to anger individuals. The fact that someone could assume the author created this list for them personally - arrogance aside - completely reinforces and upholds McIntosh's argument about white oblivion.

These statements were meant to be seen on a broad spectrum.

As McIntosh states, "Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable" (1). She in no way demands a feeling of guilt from her readers. She does not blame, she does not present an air of defensiveness, she does not scold. All she merely does is report what happens to be true about the majority race in America. I suspect that she presents hard facts in her full paper, exerpts that were undoubtedly left out of this small selection.

Finally, I was shocked to read that the author was expected to have a better understanding of male privilege through the article entitled "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack." Male privilege is exactly what promoted her to begin thinking about white privilege in the first place. It is not the place of the minority, as women have historically been, to be sympathetic of the majority cause. The minority need not be simple and complacent while the majority continues to reinforce its superiority without fault. To think that she needs to be understanding of male privilege indicates a sincere oblivion not only to the tenants brought forth in this article, but to American life in general.

For further reading on the interconnectedness of race, class and gender, I highly recommend Audre Lorde's The Cancer Journals.

My New Job

I had my first real day working at a restaurant today. I followed a busser around all day named Eric. He spent most of his down time flirting with one of the hostesses and most of the instruction time mumbling to me. It was pretty easy so I just stopped following him around and started doing my own thing. I'm glad that I was able to do that because he gave minimal instruction. I really enjoyed it, but my feet are hurting. It has been a year and a half since I've had a job on my feet, so that's going to take a while to get used to.

Stuff

* I decided to play with the colors again. See, when I was home, I viewed my blog on a "real" screen. By "real" I mean not a laptop. Well the color scheme was vastly different from what I see here in the ersatz reality my laptop offers. So now it is different. Hmmm...I wonder how long this will last...

* Tera commented that I had a link for a t-shirt that didn't actually work. I think that's a bummer because the link works for me. It was basically a shot to www.knittersagainstbush.com, which has the coveted t-shirt at the bottom of the page. It's so close to the dang election now, though, that I doubt I would get the shirt in time, so that's no fun. If, however, that silly man should be reappointed to the presidency, that shirt must be mine. I will wear it proudly.

* The little boy I babysit, Sam, is doing rather well. He was mimicking my sounds today and has been doing much better in the standing up department. The Chinese lessons aren't faring so well, but that may just be because I don't speak Chinese, much less know how to teach it to an infant. But, c'est la vie!

* I'm rather frustrated with my group therapy class. We're practicing actually being in group therapy sessions right now and my group sucks. No one talks and everyone is just hung up on their fear of disclosing information. I think they just need to get over it.

* I've been reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin and, although I'm not finished with it yet, I'm telling you that you also need to read it. It is about a white journalist who wants to know what it is like to live the life of a black man in the deep south in 1959 so he undergoes medical treatment to alter the pigmentation of his skin. It is eye-opening and brilliant. It has provoked me to think more about race relations and hate crimes, including lynchings, both of which relate to tactics employed by our government currently, namely in amending the Constitution to ban gay marriages and capital punishment.

* I wish that people would more accurately consider their station in life before assuming privilege. For instance, I overheard a conversation between two girls today about the fact that military wives are by definition patriotic (they are both military wives whose husbands are out to sea). I think patriotism is something people tend to take lightly and it's something they (gross overgeneralization here) don't take seriously. It isn't something that is simply handed to you based on who you marry. I don't think that Laura Bush is any more or less patriotic than my mother based simply upon the fact that she is married to the president. I do realize that these women sacrifice quite a bit because of their husband's jobs, but that in no way endows them with more patriotism than the next person.

* I saw a man dressed in colonial garb about 12 miles from anything colonial. I don't know if he was just on his way to work or if he just enjoys the clothing that much, but I thought it amusing regardless.

Hightlights From My Trip Home Last Week

* Spending tons of time with Kelly and my family.

* I hung out one afternoon with Patri and her crazy family bought me lunch at Pollo Rey. Mmmm...

* The weather was beautiful and not at all humid.

* I spent some time in the BSU library to do research for my group therapy class. It was better than attempting research here because I'm familiar with the library and its computer system.

* My brother's 10th birthday was a lot of fun to help out with. Kelly thought it would be a good idea to get the kid a movable basketball hoop for his birthday. Turns out, the man was right. TJay loved it and has been playing b-ball since.

* My mom, sister and I went clothes shopping. Janessa was in dire need of some more adult clothes since she's not in elementary school any more. I was given a few hours to be Fashion Dictator of the World, which I love. Well, OK, maybe not of the world, but definitely of what Janessa took into the changing room.

* There was a night of hanging out and drinking with two of Kelly's close friends, Josh and Russ. I don't know them very well yet, but I had a great time and learned a lot about them both.

* Lunch with my dad, an old tradition. A day of fun with Tera, a newer tradition.

* Monday, Kelly and I accomplished a ton around the house. This involved me raking the entire yard, resulting in about 10 bags of leaves.

* Saturday, Kelly and I went and saw Napoleon Dynamite, which I highly, highly recommend. It is "smart" funny and just all around enjoyable.

* The night after I came into town my family had dinner in Chuck's honor because he has finally completed high school and has reinlisted in the Navy.

* Kelly and I met Patri for a debate dinner at a friend of her's house. We threw Cheerio's at the TV screen for every stupid thing said by our incumbent.

Good

I'm home this week and it is good. I just wanted to write here quickly since I haven't for a while. I think I'll allow an Ani lyric to sum it up for me.

it is good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends

Yay!

I packed last night which is fun. I'll most likely repack a bit later tonight because I've thought of some things I forgot and other things I won't need. I already repacked once this morning. I will be at home in 24.5 hours. I have class all this evening, which will make the rest of the day go by quickly, and then I get on the plane super early in the morning, so my day tomorrow will consist primarily of being on the plane and then spending time with Kelly! Yay!

Randomness About Me

* I'm currently listening to my roommate's loud radio blaring the song "I am a rock, I am an iiiiiiisland."

* I just finished eating lunch with my friend Helene and her boyfriend of two years, Gary. He isn't anything like I had anticipated. They did not interact hardly at all. Mostly, the interaction was between Helene and me or Gary and me. I like him, though.

* I will be in Boise in roughly 73 hours from right now. That means I get to pack soon!

* I've been forgetting lately how to communicate effectively with people in my life. This is odd to me because in all my counseling classes I am learning how to communicate perfectly with clients. It's as though the more I progress in class, the more lazy I become interpersonally.

* I have the coolest computer nerd cousin in the whole world.

* I need a good night's sleep more than I need a million dollars right now.

Gripes

I just need to complain for one second. Or for however many seconds it takes me.

Before doing so, however, let me preface the complaints with this: I love where I live and with whom I live. There, I said it.

There are things I dramatically despise about living here. Such as the following:

* I do the dishes most every day. Not a big deal because I don't really mind doing them. However, it seems as though whenever someone else decides to do them, I have to redo most of them because they don't get clean. And, when I set them out to dry, with the mouth of the glass facing down so that the water can drip out of the bottoms of the glasses, someone comes around behind me and turns them right-side-up. I do not understand this behavior.

* From my room, I can hear every noise in the apartment. This is really only a concern in the mornings when I am trying to sleep past, oh, say 8 o'clock and everyone else is up and moving. The noises I am privy to at that hour are cupboards slamming shut, heavy feet running up and down the hallway, a squealing blow dryer, the heavy thudding slam of the front door catching the lock and ice cubes being dropped into large plastic water containers.

* The temperature outside will be around 75 degrees or higher with around 75% humidity, which makes the heat all that much less tolerable. Someone in my apartment thinks it is a good idea to then set the thermostat anywhere from 73-85 degrees.

* I do not have the luxury of walking around naked whenever and wherever I so desire. Ever.

* My bed is a lousy, standard institutional issue, twin bed with a plastic cover, similar to the plastic cover you would place on the bed of your bed-wetting child. I have no idea how many people have slept on my bed in the past, but is high enough of a number to have squeezed any comfort out of it into a soggy mess on the floor, only to be absorbed by the concrete.

* All the furniture is tough, difficult and hard on your back, including all the living room furniture and desk chairs too.

* One of my roommates, I swear, has not progressed in her thinking to realize that she is not an undergrad any more.

Well I think that's all for now. Maybe one of these days I'll make a list of all the reasons I love it here - because I honestly do - but today is just not that day.

Another II

Here is yet another color scheme. I think I like this one a little better. This is per recommendation of my aunt. It may work for a few days, anyway, and hopefully won't cause you to go cross-eyed.

Trellis

That's the name of the restaurant I now work at. Trellis. I went for an interview this afternoon and the guy hired me on the spot. So I guess that I have a job now. Yea, I know I have that whole tutoring thing, but it isn't as cool as they made it out to be. I pretty much have to wait until there are kids who need a tutor before I can tutor them. This makes a ton of sense, I'm sure, but there aren't a whole lot of kids needing help in school right now. That won't happen until later in the semester. Well I don't really want to wait for that. I'm exercising my right to be impatient. So I applied at a restaurant and they hired me. I don't think it was a matter of "Hey, you're awesome, we want you to work here!" as much as it was "Hey, you walked through the door with an application! We want you to work here." So whatever. I start training the day after I come back from Boise, a trip I shall embark on in merely one week from today, incidentally.

Another

Here's a completely different (well, sort of) scheme that I've been playing with. I hope this can disaffirm the fact that anyone may need glasses...Sorry 'bout that. I love the comments on the look, though, and would appreciate some more. And once again, there's stuff about this that I don't really like and will have to play with, so any suggestions are most welcome.

I also wanted to offer a disclaimer about my last post about the shirt. I hate asking for things, so that isn't what it was about. Mostly just an attempt at humor on my part. I may get the shirt for myself eventually because I just think it is cool. By "eventually" I mean that I probably won't because that takes initiative and stuff, which is why it is just easier to publicize my mailing address.

I've noticed that I can always hear wildlife here, even if it is just crickets. I can also always hear the wind blowing through the trees, or at least I can always hear the leaves in the trees moving. This is because there are so many trees. I was explaining this to Patri not too long ago...The reason I still encounter difficulties in navigating around campus is obviously due greatly to the fact that there are too many blasted trees all over the place, hiding the buildings. If the campus wasn't so dang cluttered, I would know where all the buildings are. Americans are known the world over for clearing out trees to construct massive buildings and subdivisions, right? So why does this campus have to be any different? I vote "No" on environmental issues. Clear out this land and get rid of all those pesky plants. Human kind will be better off for it.

I'm only mostly kidding about that.

T-Shirts

These t-shirts are awesome and I want one. Women's style in small, mailed to GSH236, PO Box 8705, Williamsburg, VA 23187. Thank you.

It's Here

Well I mentioned not too long ago that I've been playing around with my blog appearance. Have been for about a month or so, but haven't decided to do anything about it until just now. I want to know what you think. I'm not too fond of this as it is, so don't worry about insulting me because it won't happen. Just let me know honestly what sucks. Or you can tell me what you do like if that happens to be the case. If you aren't planning on commenting because you think I won't want your opinion, you're lying to yourself.

Existentialism

There was an activity in my theories of counseling text book reading for today that I wanted to put on here. I think you should try it.

Review the following list of values. Place a checkmark by all of the values that are important to you. Then review the values that you have checked and list, in priority order, the three that are most important to you.

Achievement
Beauty
Career success
Child rearing
Creativity
Fame
Friendship
Health and fitness
Helping others
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Nature/outdoors activities
Order
Possessions
Power
Prestige and admiration
Security
Variety
Wealth

When I first went through the list, I checked these:

Achievement
Beauty
Career success
Child rearing
Creativity
Friendship
Health and fitness
Helping others
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Order
Security
Variety

From those I narrowed it down to:

Achievement
Friendship
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Order

I was able to take it down to these few because I see some things as taking care of other things. Ultimately, I view achievement as taking care of most things and as far as this particular list is concerned, I would consider myself as having achieved if I have independence and knowledge. Love and friendship were difficult for me to debate between but ultimately I decided that if I could love someone they were most likely going to be close to me and therefore a friend. Order holds everything up. And so, here is my final list, in 1-2-3 sequence:

Order
Achievement
Love and romance

I would love to know your top three.

Changes

I've made some changes on my to do list. First of all, I have removed the item "knit myself a purse" because it is done. I plan on procuring for myself a digital camera long enough to take a photograph of said purse so that I may post said photograph on my blog for the world to see. I think it turned out rather well, but I'm biased. I also removed the line item "run a 5K" and replaced it with "become an aerobics instructor" because I've decided that running, while good excercise and a good time, isn't nearly as enjoyable to me as aerobics. This is why I will start training to be an aerobics instructor next week. I think I changed something else on there too, but at this point I can't remember what.

I'm thinking about changing the appearance of my blog. On my computer it looks pink and I don't know that I'm a huge fan of that. I've never really been a huge fan of that. Not because I don't like pink (because I do), but just because it is supposed to be more of an orange-peach color.

I've realized that there have been a lot of huge changes in my life in the last year. Perhaps an on-looker could aptly tell me "DUH" at that statement, but looking from the inside out, I just guess I don't realize it.

I still don't think of myself as officially "grown up." I think I know why. I figured out for my sister Janessa recently that I am beginning my 20th consecutive year of school this semester. I am 23 years old, doing the same activity every day that I have been doing since I was four years old. I love school, don't get me wrong, and the school I'm doing today is a far cry from the school I did 20 years ago, but it is still the same basic activity. I'm really preparing myself for that to change as well. I look forward to not having homework and having work clothes that look professional and match my stylish selection of dress shoes and adorning myself each morning in this attire before taking myself to the building that houses my career - that which I have spent approximately 90% of my life in preparation for. I think that's what Paul meant in that part in the Bible where he's talking about being a child and doing childish things but doing adult things as an adult. Paul changed his activities to match his age. I'd be willing to wager that he didn't go to school for 20 years, which is why he was able to call himself an adult. So much of my life is still dictated by school, the same way it was when I was 15 and the same way it was when I was seven. I don't regret going to school and I can't say that I won't ever go back to school, but, well, I'm just saying.

There will come a time for change and I will appreciate it when it comes.

Control

I feel like I haven't talked about anything of real value or interest here lately, so I'm going to talk about something different, something I haven't talked about on here ever. This may be something that some readers won't care to read about (read: parental-type folks) but that's all right. I'm bored with the "safe" topics.

So I'm going to go on birth control again. It's funny to me that I say "again" because, even though I've been on it before, I've never been on it to control birth. Or, more accurately, to prevent pregnancy. That's what they should really call it...Pregnancy prevention pills. That makes much more sense, really, because you aren't controlling birth, per se, and the pregnancy comes before the actual birth. It could be abbreviated to something like 3P. Well, should it catch on, just you remember...You heard it here first.

So anyway, I was on it before because my whole menstrual cycle was, well, not cycling. It was more like stalling and rolling over into ditches and then speeding wrecklessly down the highway at unannounced intervals. The doctor thought it would be fixed if I was on 3P for a few months. That didn't work so we tried it again. That still didn't work so we tried it a third time. I mean, it would work as long as I was taking 3P, but as soon as I quit taking it, my body decided to do it's own version of a non-cycle. That's when I decided that I'd had enough of the hormone/side effects roller coaster.

After that I saw another doctor who put me on anti-3P. Fertility drugs, really. She told me that if I had sex while on them, I would most likely get pregnant. I proved her wrong. That isn't the point. The point is that it was the same story as when I was taking 3P; it worked until I was off of it and then it was like I had never taken it in the first place.

I decided then that I was really done. I was done putting all these false chemicals and hormones into my system when they really weren't doing anything they were supposed to. Plus, I experienced some odd side effects. While on 3P, I gained weight, got stressed out easier and eventually drove myself insane with worrying about my body image, which I attribute to a combination of the first two. While on anti-3P, I lost weight and my hair grew like crazy. Plus, they both just made me act differently. I swore off synthetic stuff like that because I really felt as though they were poisoning my system. And since I've stopped them altogether, my body has begun performing the way it is supposed to. No more insane non-cycle. Instead, it's steady and nice. Friendly, even.

But I have since reconsidered that decision. Why exactly, I don't know...Lots of reasons, I suppose. I think it has been a real wake-up call that I have so many friends right now who are pregnant. Three, I think. Maybe four. That's really a lot, when you consider the fact that I haven't ever had a close friend be pregnant before. And as a side note, I think they should all name their children after me.

I think that it was less of a deal for me to subscribe to monthly editions of 3P because I was having (here comes the more personal part) random, infrequent sex with people I didn't care about. Well, let's just say that that's changed now. Since moving to Virginia, I don't have sex at all. Which is why I'm now concerned about preventing pregnancy. (Read between the lines and that will all make sense...) Sure, there are other ways to go about doing that, but nothing else is as effective, so really it would be a good idea. Plus, I think that I will be going into it older and with a different body now, which may make a big difference. Additionally, I'll be going into it with a different purpose and a different mindset.

So I've made an appointment with the campus health center and I'll be taking care of this right away. If you've made it this far in my post, congratulations, for now you know a little bit about me that I'll bet you didn't think you would ever know. And for some of you, you probably already know all of this five times over. Sometimes it is good to blur the lines between close friends and complete strangers.

By the way, my mom is the best mom in the whole world and I love her more that anyone else ever will. All I have for her is a million thanks covered in cute, pink hearts and white daisies.

Two Things

Two things have happened so far today.

First of all, the weather here has turned to autumn weather and it is superb. When Kat and I were leaving our apartment this morning, she questioned the fact that I was leaving sans a sweater, as she dutifully sported her W&M pullover. I plainly told her that I would in fact not get cold today. While at the grocery store, the woman behind me was discussing with the woman behind her how she needed to bundle her baby up in this chilly, chilly weather. It is still in the seventies...

Secondly, I reprogrammed the radio stations in my car. I was very reluctant to do so because I really liked where my Boise stations were, but while driving this morning I realized that it will be years until my car is in Boise again. So I changed them. I doubt I will like where they are, but alas, they are no longer on Boise stations.

Dreams

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. When I have a night full of these, I have a difficult time waking up in the morning. It's almost like my brain has a tough time convincing itself that it is living in reality again, probably because it spent all night trying to decide what exactly was real and what was figmented.

Dreams lately have included a lot of random things. Two nights ago I dreamt I was pregnant. Last night I dreamt I was visiting Kelly at work. The only reason I was able to figure out that it wasn't real was because his office was in a house near my grandmother's house. I also dreamt last night that I was a third grade teacher but my classroom was in Hannah's bedroom and Hannah lived with my mom. Throughout these dreams, no matter how odd the situation, I can wake up knowing that what just happened was real. I woke up after dreaming about Kelly and was startled to find that he wasn't here with me because in the dream I could feel him and smell him as real as if he actually was here and I was awake. And in some of the dreams I will have discussions and debates with other people in the dream, trying to decide if this is a dream or not. It is exhausting.

If anyone knows some good dream resources, like websites or books, please share them with me. I know that dreams this lucid are rare, especially when they happen so frequently, so I would like to read some research about the phenomenon.

News

I got a job. It's with a company that does private tutoring and it's something that may actually provide me with some teaching opportunities. This should prove to be a very good thing.

I babysat today. She told me he was a year old, but I don't believe her. I don't believe her because he doesn't do things that a year old child should do, for one, and for two, I believe I remember hearing her say that he was born in November. This kid freaks out if he's left alone in the room, he doesn't walk, doesn't stand, doesn't crawl and is barely scooting. He doesn't even sit upright when I'm holding him. He's a very well behaved baby, but I'm afraid he has too much continual exposure to the television from his chair or swing. The kid can't even clap. By the time I'm done with him, he'll be sprinting through marathons, doing long division and speaking Chinese, just you watch.