Angry

I am angry. I'm angry much of the time. I hate being away from Kelly. I hate (yes, that's a strong word - I use it purposely) the time we spent apart from each other on a daily basis. I hate it that when one of us has a bad day, the other one isn't there to make it better. I hate it that when one of us has a good day, the other one isn't there to share in it. I hate it that he awoke and dressed himself on the morning of an important job interview and I wasn't there to tell him he looked nice and give him a kiss for confidence. I hate it that he didn't spend my birthday with me. I hate it that he spent Halloween in another state. I hate it that I'm watching the election results right now with my friends and he's watching the election results right now with his friends and we're not watching the election results together.

It makes me furious that we're apart during so many important times and events, things that would be so much better if we were together. I'm furious and I'm depressed and I'm basically miserable every day. I wake up in a bad mood because I'm waking up alone. I can laugh all day long, but at night I'm back to my own bed, which brings me back down. I've been told recently how brave and strong I am because I go out with people on my own. I didn't think it was a big deal because I used to do that all the time, but then I realized that a lot of people don't do that at all when they're dating someone else seriously. I do it mostly as a distraction.

I really hate it that we're going to be apart for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be alone for Thanksgiving. I'll be with Hannah and have received numerous other invites to spend the day with friends, but essentially, I will be alone for the first time on a major holiday.

It also makes me mad that I feel this strongly, that I'm so depressed all the time about this. It makes me feel like I've given in and that I'm dependent upon someone else for my emotional well-being and I hate that.

The truth is, I am fine and would be fine forever here with no one else. The truth is also that I do not want to do that. I want to be with Kelly and I want to invest this time of my life in our relationship. So I've decided to take next semester off. I'm not interested in school right now and I think that's partially to do with my seething anger as much as the fact that I've never taken time off from school in 19 years. I'm going to return to Boise for a few more months and live with Kelly so that we can stop spending important events alone - or at least we can stop spending them without each other. And we can spend some of our engagement time, which has until this point been spent in opposite states, together.

Just as a side note, I AM NOT taking off a semester to "plan my wedding." I've had to explain that to a few people here already and I only made the decision last week. I think that is one of the stupidest, cop-out reasons to take time off from school. Our decision is based on wanting to foster growth in our relationship now, avoid making too many large adjustments in too short of a time next summer, and the fact that it is extremely financially responsible.