Pondering By The Window

Here's a little something I wrote today...Minimal, timely edits included. This is in response to multiple and varied people.

I'm sitting in the library next to the window, looking out at life on the east coast changing to fit the newest autumn color scheme. Transitional seasons have always been my favorites because each day brings a crisp, unseen face to the world. It is a beautiful process that Mother Nature conducts effortlessly; a gentle fade from one period to the next.

I suppose, then, that it is appropriate for me at this time to contemplate what I am doing and contemplate a change in my life. I thought i wanted to be a school counselor mostly based on a bad Jennifer Aniston film. Now that I'm learning more about the program and my future with the profession, I'm boubting the verity of my choice.

I know what I want to do. I want to study literature or teaching and I want to teach high school English. When I talk to people about it though, they're concerned that Kelly is the cause for my change in focus, when in reality, he has very little to do with it. This program is not what I thought it would be. At first I loved it, but the deeper into it I go, the less I want to continue with it. I don't like the research. I don't like APA format. There are no new ideas/concepts I didn't study in undergrad and what new literature I do come across no longer excites me. I don't like the national conception of the job. I don't like my future prospects with the job. This is NOT what I thought it would be. This is NOT what I wanted.

So, how is it wrong, then, for me to change my mind, my future, my direction? Williamsburg is a great place, but it is not the place for me. I don't really fit in here. So why should I stay? What will I prove? That I can live without Kelly? That seems to be a big concern when people try to tell me this is a bad idea.

Here's a little tid bit for you: This is not about Kelly.

Yes, I miss him and yes, I want to be with him and yes, I want to attend Boise State for my teaching program, but this decision about MY schooling is a decision about ME. Yes, it affects him because it affects me, but I am not going to make a decision based on his immediate goals or needs or even his version of my future. He wants me to make the decision that will make ME happy. And I won't be 100% happy if I stay here and if I stay in this program.

I want to return to Boise. I will live with Kelly six blocks from campus and will take classes at a discounted rate because he is a state employee and we'll be married, so that benefit extends to me. I want a classroom rather than an office. I want to tell people what I do and not have them ask what exactly that entails. I want to talk literature all day and teach young people how to communicate their thoughts through the written word.

And I'm sick of people cautioning me against this because they view Kelly's role in this as my driving force in decreasing myself in the educational process because of their own personal biases against relationships. Maybe I will start a new program and hate it. Maybe I will change my mind again. Maybe I will change my mind back to school counseling. Whichever way I do things, this change is not wrong and it is not a demotation of myself in the educational process. It is difficult to be a teacher and the position of "teacher" is one I think is not regarded nearly as highly as it should be. In my opinion, being a teacher is more important - if only just for the average student (who rarely visits the counselor's office) - than being a school counselor.

I'm still open to feedback on this issue - feedback that does not involve Kelly, but rather focuses on my educational goals as an individual. Feedback about things like how well I would do as a teacher and if I'm good with writing and literature. A few people have already done this; the people who honestly know me have told me honestly about me, without talking about how I'm "making a decision for Kelly." Because these people know me and know I wouldn't do that.

I think it is easy to make a rash decision based on the pangs and twangs of your heart, but if you're making an (attempted) educated decision about the rest of your life, things are a little different. That's what this is. Counseling or teaching is the debate this time, not whether or not I want to be with Kelly. I already have that one figured out.