I'm Bored And Need Some Entertainment

Well, I'm not really bored and I have plenty to do, but that was Bethany's subject line in the email she sent me with this survey-type thing in it. I've seen lots of other people do these on their blogs so I decided to be cool like them. Besides, on the question of whom is the least likely to respond to this, she said that she didn't think I would. And she's right; I never do stuff like this. I've found that I'll do it out of spite, however, if someone thinks I won't. Hence, this post.

1. Time now: 8:11 a.m.
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: A M J
3. Nicknames: Quite a few people call me A--. I fought forever on the spelling of that to include the "e" that naturally follows the "g" in my name, but to no avail. Finally I just gave up and went with the masses. My siblings and friends from high school are the primary groups that call me A----. My parents used to call me A----bear and still do on rare occasions and my dad calls me Runt with the same frequency.
4. Piercings: Yup, a bunch. I took out my eyebrow a couple months ago when I started that horrid affair as a waitress and took out my nosering a couple weeks ago when I decided I looked better without it. And the myriad ear piercings have been coming out, too. Seven in one ear and four in the other, I think. Altogether something like 14 additional holes in my body.
5. What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater? I saw that one about the plane crash with Kathy...What is it called?...Oh, yea, something like "Flight of the Phoenix." It was all right. It was your predictable human survival story.
6. Eye color: Brown
7. Place of birth: Boise, ID
8. Favorite food: So many wonderful foods! Why pick just one?!?
9. Ever been to Africa: No, but I almost did a couple summers ago. It just didn't work out. I would still like to eventually, though. There's one country in Africa that isn't so tourist-destination-like, but has a really cool name that would be fun to have in a passport. Djibouti. The last time I scoped out their political scene, though, the country was involved in wars of sorts and everyone was starving. This isn't the place to go for a tropical getaway.
10. Ever been toilet papering: Once. In eighth grade. It was my friend Alisha's idea. A couple of us were staying the night at her house and they couldn't believe I'd never done it. So we randomly assailed one of her neighbor's houses down the street in the middle of the night. I remember thinking it was incredibly lame. The coolest part for me was that it was in the middle of the night of a winter month and we were outside in lightweight pajamas and not cold at all. It was southern California.
11. Love someone so much it made you cry: Yea. Cried just last night, actually.
12. Been in a car accident: Yes, and it was an awful experience that I never wish to repeat.
13. Croutons or bacon bits: I'm not really a fan of bacon on my salad, but I sure love croutons. But salad is good without either, also.
14. Favorite day of the week: I don't really have one. They're all just days. Time is fluid. You can be fixed on a time or be looking forward to a moment, but once it comes it's gone again just as fast.
15. Favorite restaurants: There are a ton of restaurants I love to eat at. I don't think I could pick just a couple. I love eating out in general, honestly.
16. Favorite sport to watch: Hands-down I love watching people dance. Ballet, hip hop, modern, square dancing. It doesn't matter all that much to me. I love it all.
17. Favorite drink: Usually I'm drinking water, although since it has gotten colder I've been drinking copious amounts of tea, also. I am a huge wine fan, but lately I've been pulled (as far as cocktails go, anyway) toward tequila drinks like margaritas.
18. Ice cream: Yes please. Anything without cherries.
19. Disney or Warner Brothers: Warner Brothers. I'll take a transvestite rabbit over a bumbling mouse any day.
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: I don't eat a lot of fast food. Actually, it's really rare.
21. What color is your bedroom carpet: Off white with mild flecks of brown.
20. How many times did you fail your drivers license? Never.
21. From whom did you get your last email: No clue. It was yesterday and a seemingly insignificant detail that I did not lock in my memory to hold dear forever.
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card: I could say Express but they don't have shoes. That would mean I'd have to save room on my alleged credit card to buy shoes somewhere else. Or perhaps Bed Bath & Beyond so I could buy stuff for my house. Since I have a credit card I can max out I'll have to hide it from K, otherwise he'll take it to Home Depot and come back with a bunch of stuff I won't use.
25. What do you do most often do when you are bored: Knit or clean.
26. Bedtime: I like to be in bed by 11, but sometimes that's difficult when you consider that I have to coordinate that with when K wants to go to bed. Lately, though, that has been the time we've turned out the lights. It makes getting up in the morning so much easier.
I omitted 27 and 28 because they were the obligatory questions about who will or will not respond to this. First of all, it isn't an email and second of all, I don't care. And 29 was stupid. I just killed a huge spider next to me on the couch.
30. Favorite TV shows: I never watch television.
31. Last person you went to dinner with: K.
32. Ford or chevy? Neither. I like German cars.
33. What are you listening to right now? Nothing. The sound of the heater vent, I guess.
34. What is your favorite COLOR? Why is "color" in all caps? I thought about changing it, but decided to let the writer of this survey look stupid instead. I don't really have a favorite color. It depends on what I'm selecting colors for.
35. Lake, Ocean or river: Ocean, baby.
36. How many tattoos do you have: None.
37. Which came first? God or evolution? I don't believe in "God" and I think Adam and Eve are myths as much as Zues and Hera are myths. I don't know how we came to be here on this earth any more clearly than the next hominid.
38. Time you finished this: 8:44 a.m.

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

Ah...There are so many chart-toppers for this list!

One that comes to mind is a genuine "You are the cutest puppy ever!" I've never been a huge pet fan for more than a couple days at a time - and that was when the pet was new and exciting and living in my house by someone else's decision, usually a parent. Radley's been here for only four days now, but I can still tell him positive things and mean it and be cuddling or petting him at the same time. It's a big deal, I think, considering that I've also already started complaining about what a pain it is to have a pet...We have to put him outside, make sure he has somewhere to sleep, feed him, take him places, make sure he's well exercised...The list goes on and on.

Here's another one: "No! Chewing on the door frame is bad!" Being a puppy, Radley feels it necessary to chew on things. He's really good about not chewing on our things, but rather sticking to his toys. Except for the door frame in our bedroom, which Kelly installed last summer. For some reason, Radley has found that particular door frame a delicacy.

I suppose those are the big ones, but I'm certain more will come up in time.

Pic

Here's a picture of Radley! Well, not entirely. This is just a random photo I found on line that looks disturbingly like him, only a little bigger and more confident. Even the markings bear a striking resemblance.

And congrats to Jen and Patri for guessing the book. Tell you what, I'll buy you both a sno cone. Or since Patri never bought me the one I won last summer on her blog, we can call it even.

Safety And Excitement

We brought him home from my mom's last night. She had found him wandering about her front yard last week and took him in because it was cold. No one else claimed him so we think that perhaps he was abandoned. We chose the name Radley for him. There's a free sno cone in it for you if you can name the novel.

He's adjusting well so far. We sat with him in the living room on the floor last night while we ate supper and now he thinks that that spot is the best, safest and most cozy spot in the whole house. He retreats back there when he isn't sure where else to go. To get him to want to sleep on his bed in the other room we sat there with him for a while too. He whined for a little while last night when we turned off the lights and left the room, but he calmed down and went to sleep soon.

We enclosed him in a room with all wood floors because he isn't completely potty trained yet. This morning when we woke up we were excited to see that he hadn't used the floor for a bathroom at all. He had, however, peed all over his bed as soon as he saw and heard us up. Evidently, he was excited as well.

And So It Begins

Kelly and I have decided that we shall become a family unit comprised of more than just the two of us. It begins tonight. Last night we went to the store and procured all the necessary items. Then we came home, removed stickers, threw away the wrapping and opened cans. We solicited advice from the man at the store. He recommended a specific toy, but told us that other than that we were well on our way and in fact doing better than most. Kelly already knows he gets to do the lifting, food purchasing and handling of things that involve bodily functions. He may do the washing, too. I'll probably take care of most of the maintenance and cleaning. We'll both play and teach and nurture.

For the last week, since we started discussing this possibility, our home and our lives have been filled with joyous expectation. Last night while shopping we were absolutely giddy. I can only imagine what the culmination of excitement will be like tonight. We know this can be a huge undertaking, but we think we're ready.

Butterfly Wings

Last night, Kelly and I went to the Boise State campus to hear Gloria Steinem speak. She said a lot that I agreed with and a lot that resounded with me and a lot that stood out to me. Perhaps the thing she said that I have thought the most about since last night was about butterfly wings. She used the chaos theory statement that the flap of a butterfly's wings here can cause a windstorm across the world. Her point was that we do a lot every day that seems harmless or meaningless but in actuality causes problems later or elsewhere. Now, of course she tied this message into her overall statement of feminism and humanism and the greater problem at hand, but this one simple message...

I started thinking about the harmless things I do in my life. Berating other drivers from the safety of my enclosed sedan. Sighing and becoming inwardly pissed off when I have to repeat myself numerous times. Not calling people back because I think there will always be tomorrow, but knowing it's just negligence. These are little pieces of poison in my daily life. They hurt me and they hurt others, no matter how much I try to ignore or deny it.

I think that's what a lot of social groups attempt to do as their basis for the movement. Raising awareness. I think a lot of intelligent (and aware) social leaders know that they can't possibly win over an entire nation, or even most of a nation, but that if they do it right, they can make a heck of a lot of people think. Watching Ms. Steinem last night I saw a woman who was not trying to win over an audience with emotive cries for justice and power. In a rational fashion, she explained her stance nicely to all of us, telling us before she began that she didn't have any more answers than any of us because everyone has ideas and everyon can help. She spoke plainly and with a calm, straightforward manner. Like the butterfly, she shared her ideas and promoted thinking. And now my thinking spreads to others as well.

We're all butterflies of sorts.

Express

Last night was my first experience as an Express employee. We had a product-training meeting. Everyone seemed nice and all and I guess I'm excited to work there. As excited as you can be about a mall job. Kelly and I are excited about the clothing discount, that's for sure. And now, Limited, Inc. employees receive discounts at all Limited, Inc. stores...Which means I'll get a Victoria's Secret discount again! And I won't even have to straighten panty tables to get it!

Anyway, I'm glad to finally be starting work. I just wish I wasn't starting three part-time jobs (Express, writing and tutoring) on the same day with two full-time jobs pending in my near future. It's a little bit of stressful.

Just for the record I want to say that I had a really great day yesterday before my Express meeting. While everyone else in America was drinking beer that isn't good for them, eating snacks that aren't good for them, watching TV which isn't good for them, and being spoonfed unhealthy doses of "clever" marketing from corporate whores deemed A-OK by the censor boards smashed between segments of an overly deified sports event, I was spending time visiting with my good friend Krista. -smile-

I Want To Write Something Good

I want to write something today that will make me happy to have written it. The thing is, I don't have much to write about. Not a whole lot of activity takes place in my life on a daily basis any more. My interactions with people are limited as well. No school, no job. I've spent this morning working on my Boise State graduate assistant application. I am bored with filling out applications at this point. Name...Address...Phone number...Social security number...Names underwhich you were previously employed...Days available to work...Qualities that make you a stellar person...Brag so we think we may want to hire you...Tell us why you want to work here (basically suck up to us and tell us about the wonderful opportunities we'll give you, being the incredible and fascinating company we are)...Signature...Date. Email, fax, mail or bring your application to the following address. Call us next week to follow up. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I was thinking about this the other day: How cool would it be if businesses didn't actually look for work experience if you'd been in school? They could look at your application and see that you were in school and unemployed and they would be elated because you were concentrating on procuring an education rather than being distracted by a job with work politics and stress and early morning or late night shifts. And that would be highly valued.

Job Day

I had an interview with Wells Fargo this morning. It was a lame group interview and one of the girls interviewing with me looked like an overweight, female version of the Joker from Batman. But it went well and I'll probably be offered a position. Not like I want it, but I would take it just to start out with something.

After lunch I checked my email and there was an email in my inbox from this guy Steve with the Idaho Youth Ranch offering me an interview for a job I'd applied for. I called him and set it up for next Wednesday.

Shortly afterward, Julie from Express in the mall called to offer me a sales job at the store. Not randomly, of course. I had applied there a couple weeks ago. I'll do that part time, supplemental to whatever else I obtain.

And just an hour ago, another guy named Steve called me and offered me a job as a free lance writer for the Idaho Business Review. I accepted. I get to write and they're going to pay me to do it. What better job could there be? I didn't even apply for this one; I was recommended for it through a wonderful woman I worked with last year at Boise State.

Ah...Hooray for job day.

Finally.

Zen Space

Last night I reorganized the utility room. The roommates have moved out (and are loving their new place) so now we have all this space to play with. I cleaned the utility room and put things away and made it a nice, comfortable space for utilizing. I call it my zen space now because it's so nice and clean. May I emphasize: it's clean. I love it. Kelly cleaned up in the living room last night, too. It's like we have a brand new house to play with and figure out. I love it!

Jameson, Cider, Friends...And A Little Philosophy

Last night, Kelly and I went out with our friend Mike Brown Anderson. He has two last names because I gave him the second one. Everyone calls him by his first and last name as though they're both just his first name, so I thought he needed an actual last name to tidy it all up. We went to Old Chicago downtown. The guys had a couple Jameson and 7's and I sipped an Ace Pear. We ended the night over a heated discussion about whether or not ethics was necessary in the study of philosophy and the side conversation of whether or not you could be considered a philosopher if you didn't take into account other people's thoughts (rather than simply your own - since philosophy is by nature the study of thoughts and its concepts are supposed to be universal). Well, needless to say, it was an interesting evening.

I'd also like to give a shout out to my boys...Kelly and Lee have both posted on their blogs recently, which is something they never do.

Hunting

I've applied for five more jobs between yesterday and today. I think the count must be somewhere around 25-30 by now. And have I heard back from anyone...Uh, that would be a giant NO. I do have an interview with Wells Fargo on Tuesday, but that doesn't make me all that happy. First of all, I already know I don't like working for that company, and second of all they won't pay nearly as much as some other places. Even as much as other banks, which is stupid. You would think that as much as Wells likes to be competitive with their customers they would also be ccompetitive with their employees. So I've applied to two other banks as well. We'll see. This is so lame. I'm starting to feel pretty awful, and like I haven't done anything in the way of getting a job because I've been home a month now and I'm still unemployed. I know that's not true, though. It's still just frustrating.

Corporate Whore

I came across this list of the worst companies from last year and thought I would share. Because I think it is interesting. And I think people should be aware and care about the companies they support because that is YOUR money supporting the degradation of society and my eternal soul. Well anyway, go here for the complete article. What you'll find on my site is merely the abbreviated explanations of the monstrosities committed by these companies.

Abbott Laboratories
Abbott makes the list for raising the price of Norvir, an important AIDS drug, developed with a major infusion of U.S. government funds, by 400 percent. The price increase doesn't apply if Norvir is purchased in conjunction with another Abbott drug, giving Abbott an unfair advantage over competitors and tilting consumers to use the Abbott products on the basis of price.

AIG
The world's largest insurer, American International Group Inc. (AIG) was charged in October with aiding and abetting PNC Financial Services in a fraudulent transaction to transfer $750 million in mostly troubled loans and venture capital investments from subsidiaries off of its books. AIG agreed to pay $126 million to resolve the charges, but it got off light, entering into a "deferred prosecution agreement" -- meaning the charges against the company will be dropped in 12 months time if it abides by the terms of the agreement.

Coca-Cola
Workers at the Coke bottling plant in Colombia have been terrorized for years by right-wing paramilitary forces. A fact-finding mission headed by a New York City Council member found, among other abuses, "there have been a total of 179 major human rights violations of Coca-Cola's workers, including nine murders. Family members of union activists have been abducted and tortured." Coke says it opposes the anti-union violence and in any case that it hasn't had control of the bottling plant (though it does now, after purchasing the Colombian bottling company). Coke's former general counsel, and the former assistant U.S. attorney general, Deval Patrick, resigned in 2004, reportedly in part because Coke refused to support an independent investigation into the Colombia allegations.

Dow Chemical
The world's largest plastic maker, Dow purchased Union Carbide in 1999. At midnight on December 2, 1984, 27 tons of lethal gases leaked from Union Carbide's pesticide factory in Bhopal, India, immediately killing an estimated 8,000 people and poisoning thousands of others. Today in Bhopal, at least 150,000 people, including children born to parents who survived the disaster, are suffering from exposure-related health effects such as cancer, neurological damage, chaotic menstrual cycles and mental illness. Dow refuses to take any responsibility. In a statement, the company says, "Although Dow never owned nor operated the plant, we -- along with the rest of industry -- have learned from this tragic event, and we have tried to do all we can to assure that similar incidents never happen again."

GlaxoSmithKline
Following revelations and regulatory action in the UK in 2003 and 2004, the story of the severe side effects from Glaxo's Paxil (as well as other drugs in the same family) -- notably that they are addictive and lead to increased suicidality in youth -- finally broke in the United States in 2004. In June, New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer filed suit against Glaxo, charging the giant drug maker with suppressing evidence of Paxil's harm to children, and misleading physicians. Glaxo denied the charges, but agreed to a new system whereby it would make public results all of its clinical trials. In October, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration ordered Glaxo and makers of drugs in Paxil's class to include a "black box" warning -- the agency's strongest -- with their pills.

Hardee's
The fast-food maker is bragging about how unhealthy is its latest culinary invention, the Monster Thickburger: "First there were burgers. Then there were Thickburgers. Now Hardee's is introducing the mother of all burgers -- the Monster Thickburger. Weighing in at two-thirds of a pound, this 100 percent Angus beef burger is a monument to decadence." The Monster Thickburger is a 1,420-calorie sandwich. Eating one Thickburger is like eating two Big Macs or five McDonald's hamburgers. Add 600 calories worth of Hardee's fries and you get more than the 2,000 calories that many people should eat in a whole day, according to Michael Jacobson of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which calls the Thickburger "food porn."

Merck
Dr. David Graham, a Food and Drug Administration (FDA) drug safety official, calls it "maybe the single greatest drug-safety catastrophe in the history of this country." Testifying before a Senate committee in November, Dr. David Graham put the number in the United States who had suffered heart attacks or stroke as result of taking the arthritis drug Vioxx in the range of 88,000 to 139,000. As many as 40 percent of these people, or about 35,000-55,000, died as a result, Graham said. The unacceptable cardiovascular risks of Vioxx were evident as early as 2000 -- a full four years before the drug was finally withdrawn from the market by its manufacturer, Merck, according to a study released by The Lancet, the British medical journal. Merck says it disclosed all relevant evidence on Vioxx safety as soon as it acquired it, and pulled the drug as soon as it saw conclusive evidence of the drug's dangers.

McWane
McWane Inc. is a large, privately held Alabama-based sewer and water pipe manufacturer. In a devastating series, the New York Times revealed the company's egregious safety record, and the utter failure of regulatory agencies to control the company's workplace violence. Nine McWane employees have lost their lives in workplace accidents since 1995 -- and three of the deaths were the result of deliberate company violations of safety standards. More than 4,600 injuries were recorded among the company's 5,000 employees. According to the Times, McWane pulled the wool over the eyes of investigators by stalling them at the factory gates, and then hiding defective equipment. Accident sites were altered before investigators could inspect them, in violation of federal rules. When government enforcement officials did find serious violations, the Times reported, "the punishment meted out by the federal government was so minimal that McWane could treat it as simply a cost of doing business."

Riggs Bank
An explosive report from the U.S. Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations of the Committee on Governmental Affairs, issued in July, revealed that the Washington, D.C.-based Riggs Bank illegally operated bank accounts for former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet, and routinely ignored evidence of corrupt practices in managing more than 60 accounts for the government of Equatorial Guinea. Although these and other activities seem to violate U.S. banking rules, the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) did not take enforcement action against the bank after it learned of these matters in 2002. That presumably was not unrelated to the fact that the OCC examiner at Riggs soon thereafter went to work for Riggs. In May 2004, the bank paid $25 million in fines in connection with money-laundering violations related to the Equatorial Guinea and Saudi Arabian governments, and it is the subject of ongoing federal criminal investigations.

Wal-Mart
While Wal-Mart is presently on a bit of a public relations defensive, the company remains the colossus of U.S. -- and increasingly global -- retailing. It registers more than a quarter trillion dollars in sales. Its revenues account for 2 percent of U.S. Gross Domestic Product. For two years running, Fortune has named Wal-Mart the most admired company in America. It is arguably the defining company of the present era. A key component -- arguably the key component -- of the company's business model is undercompensating employees and externalizing costs on to society. A February 2004 report issued by Representative George Miller, D-California, tabulated some of those costs. The report estimated that one 200-person Wal-Mart store may result in a cost to federal taxpayers of $420,750 per year -- about $2,103 per employee. These public costs include free and reduced lunches for just 50 qualifying Wal-Mart families, Section 8 housing assistance, federal tax credits and deductions for low-income families, and federal contributions to health insurance programs for low-income children.

La La La

I had this nice little post about being tackled at the skating rink this weekend, leaving me with a hurting back and bruised knee (I don't know how the professionals take hits like that all the time), but the Internet ate it for lunch, so I guess that's that.

My holiday season is finally over. After everyone else's holidays, I have a bunch of family birthdays. Chuck, Mom, Denisha and Theodore are all now officially a year older.

Kelly and I decided we didn't like one of the colors we painted our living room, so I redid it last night while he was at a fraternity function. It's much better now.

Surita and Chris are engaged and have a date set for next summer. I'm super excited for them and Kelly and I are looking forward to traveling back east again for a couple days. Except for the promise of humidity. Yuck.

My car sold yesterday. It has been in Williamsburg just chilling...literally. I guess they've had a lot of ice storms lately and when Hannah took the purchasers out to my car, they couldn't open the doors because they were frozen shut. A gal from my cohort last semester, Audra, and her husband bought it. I feel such relief to know that I won't have to worry about it any more. I'm very greatful to Hannah for taking care of it for me, too. I really made some amazing friends in Virginia.

Hmmm...Interesting little update with very few strong opinions. I want to be more opinionated...But not right now. I'll come up with something to be opinionated about. It'll be stellar.

Mes Copains

Monday night, Kelly and I went to Krista's sister's house for supper. Krista was the first friend I'd seen since being home. It seems odd to me that it has been such a long time that I've been waiting to see friends, but there's really been a lot going on - for me and for them. But I really guess it just depends on where the effort is. For instance, I have already seen most of Kelly's good friends since I've been back and I've already seen Jana, who actually lives in Colorado (so I suppose Krista isn't the first, just the first who lives here). Krista and I have tried to get together before this week, but it just hasn't worked out. Kathy and I have tried as well, but that has also bummed. Someone thought it was a good idea to get sick. Oh, wait, that was me and it wasn't fun. Right. Well, we're hanging out tomorrow. Oh, and note to self, I need to call Karlene; I want to snowshoe with her this year! You know, I spent a lot of time while I was dating wondering and worrying about why someone was or wasn't calling me back. Usually why they weren't. And eventually I decided that it wasn't my fault or my problem, but that I just wasn't a priority to that person. The same applies to this, I suppose. The friends who have called me are the ones who are excited that I'm back home and who want to include me in their lives again. And I love that. I just wish I didn't have so many good friends who live out of state...Colorado...Florida...Virginia...California...It makes it difficult to see them often. But even still, I'm in better touch with them than I am with some people I used to be close to here. Oh well. I've tried, I've called, I've emailed. Now I guess I'll just see.

Unemployment

I can understand why unemployment rates are high in some areas. It is because obtaining a job is probably one of the worst times of a person's life. It is difficult to find places that are hiring at a decent wage, it is awful filling out applications and making sure all the right people get a copy of your resume, and waiting for someone to do something as simple as call you back is miserable. I have turned in at least 15 applications between the school district, the two hospitals in town, the city, the state, and random places from the newspaper. I wish I could just get it through to these people that I'm the type of person they want as an employee. I'm well-mannered, educated, punctual and honest. I learn quickly, handle stress well and can multi-task like nobody's business. I have myriad experiences working with people and in customer service positions, know computer systems, and adjust easily to my environment. I rarely ask for time off and I almost never call in sick. I take care of myself and I'm always well dressed. What else are they looking for? How am I not portraying all this through my applications? Maybe I should just turn this in as a personal statement in lieu of a resume in the future. I need to do something better as a selling point.

The Plague

I've been down lately. Not down as in depressed. Not even down as in a horse. (That has been put down...) No, I've been down as in my whole body refused to get up. The last two days have been a haze of sleeping, crying, aching and trying to regulate my body temperature. I was crying because that's what I do when I get really sick. I get sensitive and emotional. A lot of people get angry and obstinate. Not me. No, sir. I was trying to take of my shoes, for instance, on Thursday night, which was the day all this hit me, but I didn't have the strength to. So Kelly took them off for me. Then I started crying because I couldn't take off my own shoes. I'm pretty sure he was trying not to laugh at me at that point, which is understandable because that's kind of a funny thing to get so distraught over. I think my fever finally broke last night, which is super cool because today I'm not flying through hot/cold extremes. I can also walk from one end of the house to the other today without getting completely exhausted, which is nice since we don't have that big of a house. Yeah, and the fact that walking from the living room to the bathroom would wear me out would make me cry too. I tell you, I was a mess. But ah, I've just eaten some applesauce and I'm actually sitting up, so the day is looking better.

Feel Good

Here's a little bit of happiness. Click here.

Here's Kelly and me at the wedding show last weekend in attire that appropriately fits our attitudes about the wedding.

Goodbye Princess, Hello New Home, Goodbye Striving Actor, Hello Wedding Politics

I've linked to two new blogs in my side bar - Julie and Jessie. I don't really know these girls; I only know what they write on their blogs. I read them often and enjoy them both, so I've decided that I should just link to them here so I can share them with other people. The only thing that saddens me is that there's no more princess...But it's a little sacrifice for the embetterment of my blog and its affiliates.

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If you didn't get that, "Kelly" used to follow "Grace" in my blog list, so it read "Grace Kelly." She was a princess. Now there's two "J" names in there. So now "Grace" and "Kelly" are separated.

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Kelly and I broke ground on our new home Friday. We started painting one of our living rooms. Yes, we have two. And it's a pain. It's tan and green. We like it. Now we need new furniture.

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An ex-somethingorother called me a couple nights ago around 2 a.m. I can only imagine why. I told him I was married. He didn't know what to say. So he told me "congratulations" and "that's awesome" about eighty times and then told me about how we'll he's doing on the actor's circuit in Hollywood. None of which I believe. Somehow it felt really good to tell him I've moved on and that I don't think of him any more and that someone else makes me happy in a way he never has and would never be able to. I didn't tell him all that; it was more implied. But he understood. And he didn't know what to say.

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I went to a wedding show this weekend with Kelly and my mom. I say it like that intentionally because the two of them were more excited about it than I was. Kelly handled all the planning and talking with people. I was merely there to sign up for stuff and be labeled as the "bride." There was a fashion show that afternoon, before which the MC asked "Who here is getting married?" Kelly enthusiastically raised his hand and took my hand up with him. Her next question was "Who here is a groom?" That upset Kelly, because they were asked separately, as if to divide the population. He thought it was sexist. I told him everything about weddings is sexist.

Morning

I woke up this morning completely happy, like all was right with the world. It was like ice cream from the truck that drives through the neighborhood in the grass on a summer afternoon or hot tea, a warm blanket on a comfy couch and a good movie with the lights off. But it felt more personal, like when you read a letter of praise about you from your mentor or when a little kid is so happy to see you they jump over the furniture to give you a hug. I woke up in love, with that love wrapping his arm around me tightly as we slept. I woke up warm throughout and glad to be right where I was at.

Career To Us

Kelly told me the other day that the way he views his life and his future has gone from being career-oriented to being more relationship-oriented since we've been together. I think that's something I've known to be true about myself as well, but I haven't really thought about it like that.

Throughout much of my life, I've concentrated on just school. For a long time I didn't know what I wanted to do after school, so while I was in school I worked hard because someday it would all come in handy. I really don't think I stopped to consider the importance of anything else in my life.

Now I've moved in with Kelly and I'm taking time off from school. I'm finding out what it feels like to not be able to focus on this week's list of assignments, but rather on this week's goals within our home and within our relationship. And when I think of my future now, I don't think about the classes I need to take to graduate so that I can have that wonderful, magical promise-land-type job some day. When I think of my future now, I think about what Kelly and I want to be doing and where we want to be and the expectations we hold for ourselves and how we're going to get there as a team.

It really bothers me how many people gave me grief for coming home and even more for all the people who have made comments about how I've "quit school." First of all, many of those people just need to mind their own business because their opinions of my life mean nothing to me. Secondly, I've received more education than many of them and more than a good portion of people my age so I can't understand why they are disappointed in me. Finally, I haven't quit school. It's called "time off." It happens all the time. And just because I've stopped being a workhorse for six months doesn't mean that I have quit.

Besides, how could they possibly think that what I'm doing now isn't as important?

Jury Duty

I have jury duty all this week. It is a relative pain in the neck, I've decided. I have to call each night after five to see if my number has been called the next day. Yesterday it hadn't been, but it was today. I was on standby, though, which means that I had to call again at 9:30 this morning to see if they needed me. The lady didn't know yet, though, so she called me back a half hour later to let me know that I was excused. Now I can carry on with my day. Such a pain in the neck.

Beer Cheese Soup

Last night, Kelly and I made Beer Cheese Soup for dinner with some pork steaks he threw on the grill. That man can run a mean grill. Anyway, the soup was delicious and super simple. Here's how we did it...

It is best to have everything prepared before you begin. Cook over medium high
heat - stirring constantly. Don't rush it! This recipe has been scaled to make six servings.

Ingredients:
1/2 cup and 1 tablespoon butter
1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons diced celery
1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons diced carrots
1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons diced onion
1/2 cup and 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon ground dry mustard
3/4 (14.5 ounce) can chicken broth
1/4 pound shredded Cheddar cheese
1/4 pound shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
3/4 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle beer

That's the list of ingredients on the recipe, but we altered it a little. We didn't use carrots or onions, but instead used mushrooms. I don't think we'll do that in the future, just because we didn't really taste them. We also didn't use parmesan at all. The cheeses we used were extra sharp cheddar, colby jack and swiss, all about 1/4 cup. We also used an entire bottle of beer. And the key ingredient is horseradish. I don't know how much...about a half teaspoon, maybe. I just put in a little, stirred, tasted, and put in a little more. Emphasis: little. That stuff can be potent. We used a pale ale for the beer because that's what the guy at the restaurant in McCall where we initially had this said that they use.

Directions:
1. In a large saucepan over medium high heat, melt butter. Cook celery, carrots and onion in butter until onion is translucent. Stir in flour and mustard to coat vegetables. Pour in chicken broth and simmer until slightly thickened. Puree mixture in a blender or food processor or using an immersion blender. Return to pot.
2. When pureed mixture is hot, begin to stir in cheddar, monterey jack and parmesan, a little at a time, alternately with the beer, until all is fully incorporated and melted. Add horseradish a little at a time to taste. Serve at once.

Our

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am fooling myself about my relationship with Kelly. I don't doubt the possibility of this being true, but I also think that I have many reasons not to believe it. My first reason is that in August of 2004, Kelly proposed to me. In other words, he asked me to marry him. Since then, we have both been telling each other how we're looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together, I've moved in with him, and we've purchased a new bed together (read: both of us). Additionally, we have a marriage certificate in our shared bedroom with both our names on it as well as a wedding date set for this May. These things, in my mind, point to the fact that marriage is in our stars. And since marriage is something that has, to me, always meant that lives, possessions, dreams, etc. would be shared among the couple, I assumed the same to be true for the two of us. And thus far, the majority of people we've come in contact with seem to believe us. We received communal Christmas cards and presents from friends and family members, people invite us both to do things with them and we're always being asked about our wedding plans.

In other news, this previous weekend, Kelly and I went to McCall and spent a couple nights in a cabin up there. We went up with Matt, Jaime and Mike - all friends of Kelly's from college who, since Kelly and I started dating, have become my friends as well. It was a perfect way to bring in the new calendar year. It has been quite a while since I've seen that much snow...There was already at least a foot of it on the ground when we got there and it snowed the majority of the two days we were there. In the town a bunch of trees had colored lights on them, which looked incredibly beautiful covered in the white snow. We also had beer cheese soup. Mmmm. I'm going to look for a recipe and maybe make it for supper tomorrow.

Kelly and I are starting to work on redecorating parts of our house. Nick and Laura, two of our roomies, are fixing to move out this month into a place of their own, so that will give us more space to work with. We're going to miss them a bunch, but I think that this will be good for all of us. They've been together for five years but haven't lived together until living here, so their own space will be a great step for them. Plus, this house isn't fit for five adults to coincide here. It's a grown-up thing to do, I think...This whole "living together" thing...And the coming together of property, lives and responsibilities. I'm excited for them because I think they will love the added privacy and space their own apartment will afford them. They are an amazing couple with a bond many couples never attain. From here, they can only grow.

Ah...And now I'm off to clean up the bedroom. When I unpacked I sort of just left a lot of stuff all over the place. Add to that all our gifts and other things we've accumulated over the previous two weeks and you have chaos. A chaos worthy of driving me insane. And, as Tera says, it's a short drive. So I'm off to make myself happy with some organizing. The bliss of it all...

Sleeping Arrangements

Kelly and I purchased a new bed recently and it was delivered this morning. Yay! Now we have a brand new bed that is just for us! This one has never been slept on by anyone one else EVER and will be with us for quite a while. Yay! This purchase has been so important to me...See, I think that everything carries with it a certain energy through its lifetime, bearing memories and signatures of people and events that collect along the way. You spend something like 30% of your life in bed, so that's a lot of history for one object to collect. Kelly has had the bed we have been using for somewhere near ten years. I'll let you put it all together as to the distinct importance this purchase is to me. The underlying message is that this is just for US and no one else EVER. Yay!

Best Christmas Ever

This Christmas was amazing. After just moving home and being under so much stress recently, it was really nice to just have a good, relaxing time.

Friday, Kelly and I went to Grandma Tammy's house and had dinner with her, my dad, Tera, Conor, Chuck and Grandpa Don. Since I baked pies for everyone, I used that as my excuse to not help with dishes. It worked!

Saturday morning we went to my mom's early to be there when the kids opened their presents. I think the best part was Denisha's excitement when she received the Barbie she had really wanted. Then more of the family came over and we opened presents again. We ate dinner, Kelly and I napped, and we all played with the new Christmas toys.

Then, Chuck took us to the airport and we flew to Portland. I can't even begin to tell you how great it was that we were going to the airport together to leave together rather than to tell each other good-bye. Kelly's parents met us at the airport in Portland and took us back to their house where we sat well into the late hours of the night drinking wine and visiting. Two of his sisters and some cousins were there, so it gave me a great opportunity to get to know some more people in the family.

Saturday night the plan had been to spend time with his mother's siblings and their families, but we didn't get to town until that was over, so Sunday morning, two of Kelly's aunts, an uncle and a cousin came by the house. Some family also called Saturday and Sunday night to say hello and let us know they were sorry they missed us, which made us both feel good to know that. It really helped me to feel more included in the family.

Sunday was spent mostly with Kelly's siblings and their families eating and exchanging presents. He has a bunch of adorable neices and nephews who I can't wait to get to know better. It was so funny to me - everyone kept apologizing to me for the family...But the more time I spent with them, the more I grew to love and appreciate Kelly because I felt as though I was getting to know him that much better. I know it's just a funny thing that people do in these situations as a joke (the whole apologies thing), but I really loved spending time with them and letting them get to know me, too.

But ah, we're back in Boise - arrived yesterday morning - and used last night for lots of sleep and relaxation. I just want to give a shout out to everyone we spent time with in the last few days...meals...gift exchanges...conversations. Thank you. You truly made this a very special holiday and a wonderful memory.

Domesticity

There's something to be said for enjoying time off. I have recently been enjoying my time off by playing the role of the house domestic and I have been loving it. I've been cooking actual meals (rather than just macaroni and cheese), knitting, sweeping, scrubbing the bathroom, doing laundry, picking up dry cleaning, wrapping presents...You name it. I've really been enjoying myself. Last night I went running, too, which brought back fond memories of the three week period when Hannah and I were determined to run a 5k. I feel like I can breathe again and it is nice.

But alas, all things must end and this will all end when I procure for myself a position in the working world. So, if anyone knows of someone who is hiring in the Boise area...hook me up!

A Long Way From Virginia

I am finally home, which is a long way from where I was less than a week ago. Now I'm chillin in the City of Trees rather than in Colonial Williamsburg and I love it. The flight was horrid and actually landed in Boise almost four hours late, but it did make it.

I'm finally home, which is a long way from where I thought I wanted to be a few months ago. I've been acclimating myself not only to the freaking cold weather but to living with new people and to being next to Kelly rather than separated from him by a nation. I've been unpacking and getting over a head cold and convincing my body that there's been a time change. I've been breathing and sleeping at night and crying because I'm happy.

I'm finally home, which is where I shall stay for quite a while. The transition is challenging me, but I don't honestly think I would want it if it wasn't.

Brunch

Our apartment's Holiday Brunch was an excessive success today. We had so many people over and they all brought so much food and drink to share. When the UPS guy came tonight after the majority of people had left, we fed him, too. We also fed the GRA and her friend who is in town to visit. And a boyfriend who stopped by to pick up his girlfriend. I say "Kudos!" to Hannah, who did the majority of the planning (and stressing) over the entire event.

Finito

Well, everything is done. I just took my one final exam (and nearly fell asleep while taking it) and everything is turned in and everything is all packed up. Tonight I'm finishing the purse that I knit for Surita yesterday and I'm SLEEPING. Tomorrow we're having a nice, big brunch for all our buds at our apartment. Hannah's been planning it for a few weeks and is super excited about having a party. Then comes Wednesday and I will go home.

My cohort met for lunch today at the Green Leafe Deli next to campus. We had an awful waitress, but the food is superb. I loved it because we were all there - and they wanted to get together with me one last time before I leave. I've never really had a large circle of friends, so this is all new to me. Usually I have to say good bye to everyone one at a time because my friends don't usually know each other, let alone hang out with each other. Even Tim was there. He's the only guy in our program. I love it that he hangs out with us because I could totally see him wanting to reject our group bonding experiences because he's already had a ten-year career, he's the only guy, he's married and he has a kid. But instead he comes out with all us girls and is just as curious about our lives as we are about his.

I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot of apprehension about the transition my life is about to undergo because I have a distinct level of certainty and therefore security in what I am doing now and I have a great fear of losing that. But a wise, caring Metallica fan recently told me that fearing the unknown is ridiculous and I happen to agree with him. Plus, I know that I will be replacing the certainty and security I have now with a different type and a different level of certainty and security that I'll never attain on my own. I really have no idea what I'm getting myself into, but I plan on walking boldly forward with my eyes open to see everything around me, my ears ready to listen intently, and my heart prepared to grow and change with each new experience.

Moving

My room is all packed up now. It looks like I'm going to be leaving soon. And I really am. I will be home in 72 hours from right now!

Song Dedication For Patri

Because she made it through.

We used to say for fun,
Let's say you lived, and then you did
You speak to the weak, an old picture of me
Everybody says they want to be free
and it's a decision, so I am leaving
And I don't want your hand-me-downs
They're old, they're all worn out
No, I don't want to hang around
I don't want your hand-me-downs.

Rockstar

In the last two days, I have written a 16 page paper and a 12 page paper, thus completing my homework for the rest of the semester. I am a rockstar!

Now the issue of packing...

A Song Dedication For Kelly

Here is a part of a Lisa Loeb song called We Could Still Belong Together:

If I hold my breath
If I shut my eyes
If I disappear just for the afternoon.
If I can't help shouting
If I lock you out
If it's not important,
completely unimportant to anyone else but me,
We could still belong together
and together is much better.
We're okay, so hey don't worry now.
Oh wow.
Yes, I complicate
I know, it's just my way,
but "If?" is a question that I ask and nothing more.

Team Trellis

Well today I became a Superserver. I think it's because I finally broke my first glass today. I came home with $124 in tips, which is super fun. It makes me think I could learn to like this. Ha! What a joke. Two days left. Then I'm done forever.

On a sad note, I've noticed that I get sad when I help large parties. I feel sad because it makes me think about the family I don't have here. More specifically, it makes me think of a large dinner party in my near future - the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. I guess I think about that rather than the wedding reception because it will be in a restaurant (similar to the place where I work and hence wait on people) and I'll be surrounded both by the family I've known my whole life and by the family I will spend the rest of my life getting to know. It makes me sad because I miss them. Ten days left. Then I'll be with them forever.

3P

Yay! Good news!. It's about time some of the responsibility is shared...

It's Not Easy

It's really not. I've been having anxiety-ridden dreams. There's so much going on now. So much is getting ready to change. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared at the same time. This really isn't as casual as everyone seems to be treating it. This is what I want. Am I ready?

Washington, D.C.

I just tried to post a huge commentary on my day yesterday in D.C. with Hannah and something happened that made that post disappear and now I'm pissed. So, here's the extremely shortened version.

We went to Vera Wang and tried on wedding dresses just for fun. I tried on three, one of which was nearly $9,000.

We went to the WWII memorial. Two words: absolutely beautiful.

We went to the National Museum of American History where they had a phenomenal exhibit on the history of Brown v. Board of Education. I was frightened at the sight of the KKK robe they had on display and felt oppressed by this empty costume and invisible eyes of malice that stared at me through small eye slits behind the glass pannel. I cried at the video showing riots and actions taken against the black community as they tried to integrate the schools. I cannot believe they would do that to children - innocent, young people who only wanted to be accepted as human beings! A man walked past me at one point and commented to his female companion that he didn't "see what the big deal was." I read recently that my generation is growing increasingly ambivalent to race and is actually more racist on the whole than our parent's generation because we don't think critically about race since we haven't had to deal with the implications of racism like they did. I find it disgusting that we can't live easily with people different from us unless they're struggling just to be heard because otherwise we don't listen and find it so easy to walk away. They had a book there called One Drop of Blood: The American Misadventure of Race that I want to read next semester when I have time off from school.

So back to the trip...We then met her friend Brian who is totally cool and had dinner at a tapas restaurant. Then we drove home. No traffic the entire day, either, which was not only nice but remarkable and relatively unheard of. By the time we arrived at the grad plex, though, we were both having trouble keeping our eyes open. Overall, a wonderful day!

To The Hospital

I've taken my laptop to the PC hospital. W&M has a great IT center where you can just drop off your computer and pick it up in a few days problem-free. I'm looking forward to having a healthy little computer again. In the meantime, I'll miss it while it's gone...

Seventeen

Seventeen was how old I was when I graduated high school. And how old I was when I moved out of my mom's house and to a lonely little dorm in Alamosa, CO. When I was seventeen I had my heart massively broken.

Seventeen magazine.

Seventeen is a low number for a checking account balance. Low, but still positive, which is good.

Seventeen dollars can be represented by three bills.

Seventeen years from now I will be forty, which is another decade entirely. By then, I imagine I won't be in school any more and I may even have kids. When I'm forty, my kids will not be seventeen.

Seventeen ponies dancing in a row. With poodles on their backs and braids in their manes.

Seventeen pages to the end of a book is a good feeling. It's the feeling of being almost there.

Seventeen days until I am home.

Hierarchy

A lot of servers at Trellis think that they are the most imperative cog in the machine of the restaurant. I've come to learn, however, that within the restaurant it does not matter how old you are or how educated you are. All that matters is how long you've been there and how well you know the innerworkings of the machine and how well you can work with all the other pieces of that machine. Some of the servers get upset at the dish washers when they get upset about the way we trade them our dishes. The servers don't like being berated by the dish washers, whom they view as being less important. The truth is, though, that the dish washers have all been doing their job longer than any of us have been serving and without them, we have no dishes to take to our tables. The food expediter often gets upset with us servers and treats us like shit, but the truth is that without us, the food would just stay in the kitchen. I really don't think I fit well into this machination of the food world. Seven more days until I'm out.

Giving Thanks

This morning I woke up (after a quite disturbing dream starring me as the semite Native American that I am) and started working. I cleaned the kitchen first, then started making pies. I constructed a pumpkin streudel pie and a homestyle apple pie. Part way through, I ran out of flour, so Hannah and I walked to the Wawa and picked someup. Back at the ranch, I finished my pies, showered, dressed, and we left for her cooperating teacher's house.

Monica's family is wonderful. Her and her husband Jim have three grown children, Chris, Tony and Katie, who were all present. Chris also brought her boyfriend Garrett. I think this was close to being the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. It was very television-family like. The family was warm and inviting with a host of great stories to share with us. We sat around before dinner drinking and talking. We shared what we were thankful for before eating at the table set with the good china and two candelabras. After dinner we all helped clean up and then we sat around digesting while the pies were cooling. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the pies because I haven't cooked for other people in a while and I've never made that pumpkin streudel pie before. But when we started eating the pies, everyone raved about them. They really were good! Garrett kept telling me that his birthday is this Saturday and that I should bring him another apple pie. I think he ate three pieces. Apparently, he doesn't usually like dessert. After dessert we played a game and then we watched TV for a little while and then Hannah and I left. We figured that since we were tired and that we'd been at their house for eight hours, it was time. We had had such a great time with them, though, that it didn't seem like eight hours at all. It also didn't seem like I was hanging out with strangers, let alone someone else's family. Also, I tried my first bite of tofurkey and it was pretty good!

And, in the spirit of the day, I will give a synopsis of what I am thankful for in my life currently. First of all, I am thankful for a family in Williamsburg who hosted me so incredibly well on my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I am thankful for my own family who has stood by me, not only because they've been there my entire life, but because of the support they have given me in the last year. This last year my life has encountered myriad changes. I've gone from an utterly confirmed single to an engaged woman. I've decided to move across the country and then to change my mind and decide to move back. Through all this, my family has welcomed all this and offered a helping hand. I am thankful for my friends, both new and old, who have aided in the construction of the person I am today. They have all seen me through some sort of identity crisis or two. And finally, I am thankful for the person I have selected as my partner in life, a man who puts up with all my semi-neurotic behavior with minimal complaints and deserves all the love I can muster like no one else I've ever met.

The Good Body

Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, has published a new book called The Good Body. It "examines the never-ending female quest for conventional beauty and how constantly working on our bodies is keeping women from achieving our dreams," which basically means that I want to read it.

American

Hannah and I have been very American this evening. We ate junk food and complained about everything on campus closing for the holiday. The library is closed until Saturday, which pisses me off because I was planning to do copious amounts of research for my lit review there tomorrow, and the rec center is closed until Monday, which pisses us both off because we've recently made that building our local hang out. As far as I can tell from their web site, however, the student health center will be open tomorrow, which is good because I need to pick up my 3P refill. Otherwise, catastrophies could occur.

Rings

My two Monday night evening classes tend to host a silent forum of girls admiring each other's rings. Engagement or wedding rings, usually. At first, this was something that bothered me. A lot. On some level I think I still am bothered by the traditional femaleness of the display of the material body-mark of "ownership" by another human, but I have also come to see it as more than that.

The ring isn't just something that a girl can wear to show off how much she's materially loved by a man. It is something that bonds girls together. The ring can spark a number of different conversations. She may ask about the fiance...his name, his job, what he drives...She may ask how he proposed, and may share her own story as well. She may ask about the wedding...when, where, flowers, dress...Or the conversation may stay on the topic of jewelry itself. The possibilities are endless. The ring is an open door for a conversation, bringing two women to a place of common ground where they can talk about themselves and therefore bond with each other.

I've been thinking a lot about my own ring lately and what it means for me. Kelly and I are both wearing rings now, because I wasn't about to wear one and be the only one (for reasons of bodily markings mentioned above), but also because he wanted to wear one. The ring he's wearing now is kind of a fake one (long story), but I have purchased his real one. I gave it to him while he was here, but it was too big so he'll be wearing the fake one until I move home in 24 days with the new, real one in tow. When he gave me my ring he also gave me a little speech about loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life being happy with me. When I gave him his ring, I gave him a little speech about wanting to show that I am ready to make whatever changes necessary to let everyone who sees us know that we live for each other. In thinking about my own ring, I am also mindful of the fact that I need to get it cleaned before Christmas.

Thinking about rings has prompted me to think about our wedding. This event, which I had never thought would be much of a big deal, is turning into something huge. Not huge in size, but huge in importance. I think that our current separation is making that more apparent for me. At our wedding, we will be telling each other in front of everyone we know and love and who love us in return that we love each other and will promise to spend every day together until death should part us. It means so much more after this separation - to me, at least - because I hear him talk about spending time with people every day who either don't know me or have only met me a couple times. In their minds, I am distant. In some of their minds, I could be merely a figment of Kelly's imagination. Moving home will end that and our marriage will solidify my own reality in his life as well as our reality as a devoted partnership.

Payday

I received my first actual paycheck from Trellis today. Now, I knew going into this that waiting tables would not produce large paychecks because the primary means of income for a server was in the tips. However, what I found on my paycheck still surprised me. Here's the breakdown:

38.5 hours at $2.13
and
1 hour at $5.15

After taxes, my paycheck amounted to $5.37. No, not a typo. That's just over five dollars. So for anyone who has never waited tables or known anyone who has waited tables and think that tipping isn't all that important, here ya go.

Oh, yeah, and that's for two weeks worth of work. So every two weeks, I get to look forward to an extra five bucks. Now that's just plain overwhelming!

Tonight

I don't care how much Kelly laughs at me for it, but tonight was a lot of fun. He just laughs because he doesn't know any better.

Tonight, Surita and Helene came over. We drank wine and ate bread dipped in extra virgin olive oil and garlic pepper. They are both big "OC" fans. It's a TV show. I've never seen it, but whatever. Then we watched "Happy Birthday, Jessica, Love, Nick" on MTV because Surita is a huge Jessica Simpson fan. Then - and maybe it was because this was our last night of group or maybe it was the wine - we showed each other our breasts and talked about them. Because that's something that a lot of girls are self-conscious about, no matter how many men tell her they're beautiful (Because honestly, no man is going to say, "No, actually, I think your boobs are hideous. Please put your shirt back on."), and have relatively no venue to discuss that concern openly. So we discussed that tonight. Then I signed up for AOL messenger because that's what all the cool people on the east coast do, apparently, whereas all the rest of us in mountain standard time use MSN messenger. And I had a really great time with them.

They've also, as a side note, started talking about having a going-away-party for me. I love that idea. I've never really had one of those before. I've never been tight with a large group of people before in my entire life - not like I am here. I usually just have a couple of close friends or separate circles that I hang out with. Nothing like this, where everyone knows everyone else and we all - for the most part - get along. I am really going to miss this. I've always been envious of people who have had this. But alas, I will have other things. The moral of the story is that I really hope that there is some sort of a going-away-ness for me...If anything just because this is the first time in my life when I will have that opportunity...and quite possibly the last...

I mean, I've had going-away parties before, but not with all my friends present. This would be the only time that that would be at all possible.

OK, I'm repeating myself. And if I keep thinking about it, I just may end up crying a little. So I'm done.

Election Goodness

There is some good that comes of the election results, I have decided. Now I have an excuse to wear the "Knitters Against Bush" shirt. Because I am. A knitter against Bush. Now all I need is to obtain said t-shirt. In case you're feeling generous, I wear a medium in the "March on Washington" style.

Huh.

So I'm delaying doing this thing they call homework. I think I've already done quite a bit this morning, although it has all been little, easy stuff. Like emailing group members repeatedly and writing a press release, which I can effectively do in my sleep, thanks to the ladies in Boise State's News Services. Now I need to work on my final for my theories class and write a reflection paper for group. Neither one difficult, but neither one particularly interesting, either. Huh.

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I currently have an overflowing box of my personal items that I need to get rid of. Some clothes, some paper, some highlighters. Like 30 highlighters. I received a bunch for free once and have just been holding on to them. I've decided to set them free...To give them a new home with someone else who needs new highlighters. I also have some random wooden picture frames that I hate. They're nice and all, I just am not a huge fan of wooden picture frames lately. So if anyone would like to acquire some new stuff that at one time belonged to me, please just stop on by.

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It has been a while since I've put any links within my text for people to check out. I wonder if anyone ever did that anyway. I really have no way of knowing. I just realized that it has been a while since I've provided you with that opportunity. It has also been a while since I've placed any photos on here. This is because I really have no way of doing that. If I had a digital camera I probably would do that more often. But I don't. So I can't. Huh.

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I attended a conference (sort of) on Monday in D.C. for school counselors. Actually (and why I say "sort of"), it was more like an informal meeting just for school counseling students at W&M. All 20 of us. Whatever. It was still all day and in D.C. and very informative. Throughout the course of the day, I found myself sitting there thinking "Wow...This is all really great information. I wish this was what I wanted to do so that I could use this information in my near future." Surita, however, was salivating at the chance to be able to use this information in her near future. I suppose that just further illustrates the differences in people and my firm resolution that this is not what I want to do. I actually went to this conference thinking to myself that I would allow it to change my mind back if possible...that I would not be resistant to being inspired or coerced. These things did not happen.

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My goal for the day is to drink three litres of water. I have already consumed one and one third and I'll be attending a hip-hop class later tonight, so I'm sure I'll make it.

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I love burning candles that smell nice. I'm not a huge vanilla fan, though. I think I was so addicted to it in high school that now the scent simply repulses me. I enjoy a variety. Lately I've been burning a holiday cobbler candle in the apartment. I like lighter, less musky scents.

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I'm really not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving alone this year. I think that maybe I'll stop whining about it, though, and start planning to have a good time without my family. I guess that's the only way I'll make it through without being all depressed like a loser.

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I have a difficult time remembering that certain situations affect more people than just me. I also have a difficult time remembering to apologize for my ego-centrism. I need to work on that.

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I'm still delaying the homework. I think I'm going to go to the bathroom (to delay just a little more and because I've already consumed 1 1/3 litres of water) and then return to my desk with fervor and readied typing fingers.

Bathroom Stuff

For anyone who doesn't know me very well, I will just let you know that I own many things that go in the bathroom...shampoos, conditioners, lotions, make-up...you name it. And I use all of it. Not all at the same time, mind you, but through time and on different days, I use all of it. Right now all my stuff is spread out because I don't have enough room in the bathroom for it. In the bathroom I have a little metal stand that is not condusive to the bottles standing erect, but rather, the little shelves make my little bottles topple over, which makes my shelves look cluttered in a way I deem unnecessary.

Here is my dream...I dream that I have a space in the bathroom that is all mine. Perhaps a cupboard above the toilet. It has solid shelves rather than shelves made of small metal bars spaced too far apart. It has doors so that my effects are shielded from on-lookers who may complain in exasperation and so that the bathroom maintains an air of tidiness. There is an area where I can place little containers to separate out my lipglosses from my eyeliners rather than keeping them in my too small make-up bag. It will even have ample room for me to place my curling irons, blow dryer and hair brushes as well as somewhere to place my jewelry.

I don't like the idea of having a vanity, but this idea absolutely makes me giddy. It is my great hope that I shall have this exquisite set-up in my lifetime.

Birthday Fun

I just realized that I didn't mention any of the fun stuff Kelly and I did while he was here. Well, I had told him that the entire time he was in Virginia it was to be considered his birthday, so I told him "Happy Birthday" as much as I possibly could.

Thursday we went shopping for new panties for me to wear and him to appreciate. (Sorry for that one Dad, I couldn't help but throw it in there just for you.) Then he took Hannah to the Richmond airport while I went to my group therapy class. Afterwards, we went to dinner with a bunch of people from my program, which was fun for two reasons: 1) Kelly was able to meet a ton of people I spend my days with, and 2) it gave everyone a good reason to wind down and hang out. That night, Surita brought a birthday cake over that she had made for him and the three of us, along with her boyfriend Chris and Helene, ate cake and hung out. Then Helene went home and the remaining four of us went to the local deli for a drink.

Friday morning started at a local elementary school where Kelly helped my intro class with a literacy project we were doing with the kids. Then we came back to my apartment, watched movies, took a nap and snacked all afternoon.

Saturday (the actual day of birth) I woke up before Kelly (not unusual) and made him a huge breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, toast and orange juice, which I delivered to him in bed. It helped my cause immensely that he's a heavy sleeper and when I told him that I had to go do something and that I would be right back, in his sleepy state he didn't find that at all suspicious. Then we went to the Williamsburg Winery for a winery tour, a tasting of eight wines and a very delicious lunch. Afterward, we went to the shop where I last tried on wedding dresses so I could show him the dresses I had liked there. Then we came back to my apartment and took a little (much needed after all the wine) cat nap before heading out to the final surprise for the weekend - a historic ghost tour. There's a company here in the Burg that does these historic ghost tours and when I found out about it, I knew I wanted to take Kelly for his birthday. That was about two months ago. The tour covered a little about the college (since the college is literally across the street from the colonial part of town) and then we walked through part of the colonial streets. Our tour guide was the tiniest British woman who was absolutely fantastic. We decided we would like to take her home with us, we liked her so much.

So that was our weekend in a nutshell. I had such a superb time! While he was here, it was difficult to remember a time when he hadn't been here. I've noticed that about when we're together - that it just seems like we've always been together. That feeling leaves me confident for the time when our separation will terminate...for the time when we will be able to spend each night together and each day counting the mornings we've shared rather than the mornings until we have to say "Good bye." After this little visit, I feel invigorated. I feel ready to finish the semester strong, in order to pass the time quickly. I feel excited to pack and prepare to move myself back to Boise. Mostly, though, I feel ready to begin a new chapter in my life, one with Kelly by my side each and every day. I am ready to do what it takes to make that the only reality we know, and to make the reality of our separation a mere memory.

If It Ain't King James It Ain't Bible

I find that some things that appear in my daily life are true and accurate representations of this area as a whole, in an overgeneralized and overstereotyped version of my experience here. For instance, the bumpersticker I witnessed while driving back to Williamsburg from the Norfolk airport this morning, which doubled for me as the title of this post. No, I did not leave out any punctuation or articles.

Williamsburg is an interesting place, for certain. No more do I marvel at what people wear - not since seeing people in standard 18th century dress has become commonplace in the grocery store or at the bar. Er, uh, the deli. I have grown accustomed to stopping in the middle of the road - not necessarily at a crosswalk - to allow a gaggle of tourists to walk in front of my car like a mess of geese. People here refer to foothills as "large mountains." People here forget to use verbs. There is a standard decorum to uphold, which includes not showing too much skin in the summer by wearing a spaghetti-strapped tank top. Names and money are of particular importance here. As are bricks. There are some days I can convince myself that I'm living in a literal war zone because I can hear cannons bursting from the war reinactments nearby. And you never go too long without hearing a fife and drum corps walking down the street.

Yes, this is where I live.

Yay!

Kelly came in last night. It is a darn good thing I'm perpetually early to things because I arrived at the same exact time that his plane landed...A HALF HOUR EARLY. Ah, but he's here and the fun can begin. I gave him a polaroid camera last night and he was surprised and wondering how I knew he had always wanted one. Gee, could it be that I actually listen when he talks? No...Couldn't be. So, lots of other fun stuff to do this weekend, but I can't talk about it here because who knows how or when he'll get his crafty little hands on a computer. Can't take any chances of ruining stuff. See, if I tell him and nothing is a surprise, it's just like any other day of the year. This weekend is his birthday and that means everything is going to be special.

Dr. Day-VInes

Dr. Day-Vines is my advisor here at William & Mary. There's something about her that makes me just want to hang out with her all the time. I went into her office today to talk to her about my decision to switch programs and schools and wound up talking for quite a while about Kelly and my kids. When I gave her the news, she looked genuinely sad. She said that she was really going to miss me but that she wishes me the best and volunteered to write me a letter of recommendation and asked me to stay in touch with her. I didn't think that she would be so affected or care that much, so her response is particularly touching. I respect her and find her to be such a fascinating person...it makes me glad she likes me and cares about me that much.

Pondering By The Window

Here's a little something I wrote today...Minimal, timely edits included. This is in response to multiple and varied people.

I'm sitting in the library next to the window, looking out at life on the east coast changing to fit the newest autumn color scheme. Transitional seasons have always been my favorites because each day brings a crisp, unseen face to the world. It is a beautiful process that Mother Nature conducts effortlessly; a gentle fade from one period to the next.

I suppose, then, that it is appropriate for me at this time to contemplate what I am doing and contemplate a change in my life. I thought i wanted to be a school counselor mostly based on a bad Jennifer Aniston film. Now that I'm learning more about the program and my future with the profession, I'm boubting the verity of my choice.

I know what I want to do. I want to study literature or teaching and I want to teach high school English. When I talk to people about it though, they're concerned that Kelly is the cause for my change in focus, when in reality, he has very little to do with it. This program is not what I thought it would be. At first I loved it, but the deeper into it I go, the less I want to continue with it. I don't like the research. I don't like APA format. There are no new ideas/concepts I didn't study in undergrad and what new literature I do come across no longer excites me. I don't like the national conception of the job. I don't like my future prospects with the job. This is NOT what I thought it would be. This is NOT what I wanted.

So, how is it wrong, then, for me to change my mind, my future, my direction? Williamsburg is a great place, but it is not the place for me. I don't really fit in here. So why should I stay? What will I prove? That I can live without Kelly? That seems to be a big concern when people try to tell me this is a bad idea.

Here's a little tid bit for you: This is not about Kelly.

Yes, I miss him and yes, I want to be with him and yes, I want to attend Boise State for my teaching program, but this decision about MY schooling is a decision about ME. Yes, it affects him because it affects me, but I am not going to make a decision based on his immediate goals or needs or even his version of my future. He wants me to make the decision that will make ME happy. And I won't be 100% happy if I stay here and if I stay in this program.

I want to return to Boise. I will live with Kelly six blocks from campus and will take classes at a discounted rate because he is a state employee and we'll be married, so that benefit extends to me. I want a classroom rather than an office. I want to tell people what I do and not have them ask what exactly that entails. I want to talk literature all day and teach young people how to communicate their thoughts through the written word.

And I'm sick of people cautioning me against this because they view Kelly's role in this as my driving force in decreasing myself in the educational process because of their own personal biases against relationships. Maybe I will start a new program and hate it. Maybe I will change my mind again. Maybe I will change my mind back to school counseling. Whichever way I do things, this change is not wrong and it is not a demotation of myself in the educational process. It is difficult to be a teacher and the position of "teacher" is one I think is not regarded nearly as highly as it should be. In my opinion, being a teacher is more important - if only just for the average student (who rarely visits the counselor's office) - than being a school counselor.

I'm still open to feedback on this issue - feedback that does not involve Kelly, but rather focuses on my educational goals as an individual. Feedback about things like how well I would do as a teacher and if I'm good with writing and literature. A few people have already done this; the people who honestly know me have told me honestly about me, without talking about how I'm "making a decision for Kelly." Because these people know me and know I wouldn't do that.

I think it is easy to make a rash decision based on the pangs and twangs of your heart, but if you're making an (attempted) educated decision about the rest of your life, things are a little different. That's what this is. Counseling or teaching is the debate this time, not whether or not I want to be with Kelly. I already have that one figured out.

Three Days

Zero more days left to work at Trellis until Kelly gets here and only three days total until he's here. He's coming for his birthday on the 13th. Yay! It will be the last time I see him until I go home at the end of this semester and I'll only be able to see him for three days, so I'm going to make every second count.

My Friends

I have just decided that I haven't done justice to the people with whom I have fallen in love here in Virginia. That stops now.

Surita was the first person in my program I became friends with. I honestly started to talk to her because she was the prettiest girl in my group therapy class, which was our first class of the semester. Later, I found out that she thought the same thing about me and that was why she started talking to me. I've since learned that Surita is even more beautiful inside. She is young and energetic and has an optimism that never fails. She is strong and independent and incredibly on task with every color-coded event in her date book. She loves big. Huge. And with every part of herself. She has incredible insight to people and situations and has this uncanny ability to read between the lines like no one I've ever met. When she listens, you know she is listening because you can almost see her physically absorbing the words coming out of your mouth. After I'd only known her a couple weeks she made a comment about us being friends for the rest of our lives and I knew it would be true.

Hannah was the first person I really met here. Kelly and I were sitting on the couch watching The Abyss when she walked through the front door and said, "Hi, I live here too. I'm Hannah." Then she went to her room until the end of the movie, when she re-emerged into our conversation and sat chatting with us for quite a while about work, school, traveling, you name it. Hannah is full of great stories and many of them being with something like "One time when I was in Austria..." or "When I lived on this Scottish island..." or "Oh my goodness, in Honduras they..." My favorite story is the one where she had a run-in with the head of the Croatian maffia. She gets stressed when she has a lot going on, but when things calm down she always comes back to me and apologizes for being cranky. She gets so excited about absolutely everything with childlike glee. She loves people and parties and conversations and good friend circles. She also loves competitions and likes turning whatever she can into a race of some sort. I don't think I've ever met someone so motivated to be absolutely amazing every single day.

Abby is almost paradoxical to me because she says that she needs to learn to be stronger, but I see her as already having achieved that. Abby has left her home and her boyfriend of four years to pursue her degree here, all of which causes her to struggle inside. She doesn't get down about it, though. She sees what will be there for her in the end and she knows that everything right now is worth it. She has invested herself in this program and the rest of us in the program in a way I never could. She talks to everyone and knows what is going on with them and makes sure to ask them periodically how they're doing. She has a sort of city-savvy attitude that amuses me here in little Williamsburg; I see her loving Chicago. Her mid-west attitude of life is a little laissez-faire, a little goal-oriented and a lot personal because she really places her heart in what she does. Incredibly generous and incredibly helpful, her strength really lies in what she is truly able to do for othe people completely effortlessly because to her it is like breathing.

Carmen appears seemless to me in the respect that her life, rather than aspects of it being pieced together like a quilt, fades from one thing to the next like a gentle wash of myriad colors. She is always calm and collected and generally up-beat about things. Nothing in her life is out of place; rather, it all just manages to fit nicely together in a manner that allows her to handle things as they come. She loves Christmas videos and started listening to holiday music about two weeks ago. This girl is incredibly smart, especially concerning American history and politics. She is going to make just about the best elementary school teacher on the planet, with one asset being her soothing, calming voice that, even as an adult, makes me want to sit down and listen all night. She is also incredibly good humored. She is so good at making small talk with strangers of all sorts while at the same time being so good at really connecting with a person and knowing all the important things to ask.

Helene is much more integrated in all of our lives than she realizes. She is friendly and helpful and willing to try just about anything. She allows me to be a little more crazy than normal, mostly, I think, just because she wants to see what is going to happen. She has a wonderful sense of humor, laughs easily and can usually keep the laughter coming. She is relaxed in the way she handles just about everything, from work/school stress to her silly friends. She gives great spontaneous compliments and is able to really voice her true, uncomplicated thoughts on a situation. When she encourages, sometimes it sounds more like peer pressure, which makes me laugh. When she sincerely encourages, it makes you think you were ridiculous for ever having doubted yourself.

Kat is my third roommate. There is a lot about this girl that confuses me, but the basic quality of her nature is a gentle, loving woman with an overwhelming sense of generosity. She is very simple and doesn't get caught up or fooled by the pretentions of life that distract most other people.

Understanding

There's a lot about life and this world in general that I do not understand.

I don't understand how someone could vote based on one issue alone, especially when they do not fully understand that issue or are completely ignoring every other issue.

I don't understand how any American student today who has found themself strapped for cash in the last four years could vote for Bush.

I don't understand how any minority (gender, racial, religious...) who cares an inch about history and the fact that their representative group has been denied the right to decide on laws and officials or who cares about their current personal freedoms could sit idly by without voting.

I don't understand how any woman could vote for Bush, a man who thinks he knows what is best for us. A man who advocates against my right and my ability to make a decision for myself. Am I talking about *gasp* abortion here? Yeah, that and other things. That man is never going to meet me, let alone see my vagina. Who is he to tell me what to do with it? Maybe I'll introduce him to every woman's friend - the coat hanger. Or maybe I won't have to because a nation full of women who will go uncared for and over "protected" through health care, education and drug testing - more than just abortion - will do it for me. Did you know that there was a southern state recently trying to pass legislation against female genital piercings? They said it was genital mutilation! If I should decide to have my genitals pierced, that is my decision - not the decision of another rich, white guy who will also never see my vagina. I propose that we pass legislation against male piercings, masturbation and circumcision just to make it all fair!

I don't understand how any black person could vote for Bush, a man who has completely ignored that entire group of Americans, if I may lump and generalize for a brief moment. Not to mention the fact that status quo government (the definition of the man's party) was all for maintaining the status quo even just forty years ago - within my parents' lifetimes. Status quo government saw no problem in segregating schools, spraying people with fire hoses or imprisoning those who enacted change. I suspect that they even turned their back on the crosses burning on lawns and the limp bodies swinging by their necks in the tree neighboring those crosses. Coming back to the present, Bush himself has desecrated MLK Day and shunned the NAACP.

I don't understand how any parent with a child in the school system could vote for Bush. He has made it so difficult for teachers to effectively teach students what they will find most useful. He has made it so difficult for students with learning disabilities. He has made it so difficult for children who are limited in English proficiency. He is limiting students and teachers across the board.

I don't understand what I am doing. I wanted to attend a liberal school, to be surrounded with a forward-moving atmosphere that would be encouraging to me. Here, I am the crazy liberal. I wanted to do something that would enable me to work with youth, to empower them and help them think, grow and change. As a school counselor, I'm learning that most of what I will do will be scheduling changes and that I'll rarely meet with a student for more than a ten-minute session. I wanted to do something empowering for myself, that would help me grow all the time and would constantly introduce me to new people and new ideas. In my field I could actually be introduced to the new idea of bus or cafeteria duty because the roll of the school counselor is widely undefined except in the arena that it is the band-aid position for the rest of the school. I wanted to be able to be politically motivated with the ability to contribute something, if only just a new idea. I feel out of touch with that here.

I don't understand what I want right now, I guess, and I don't understand what I'm saying. I'm afraid of a lot right now and this is just some of it. I thought this was what I wanted, but I don't know if it still is. If anyone out there has a crystal ball or at least a good deck of tarot cards, I'd be much obliged if you could be of some assistance...

Angry

I am angry. I'm angry much of the time. I hate being away from Kelly. I hate (yes, that's a strong word - I use it purposely) the time we spent apart from each other on a daily basis. I hate it that when one of us has a bad day, the other one isn't there to make it better. I hate it that when one of us has a good day, the other one isn't there to share in it. I hate it that he awoke and dressed himself on the morning of an important job interview and I wasn't there to tell him he looked nice and give him a kiss for confidence. I hate it that he didn't spend my birthday with me. I hate it that he spent Halloween in another state. I hate it that I'm watching the election results right now with my friends and he's watching the election results right now with his friends and we're not watching the election results together.

It makes me furious that we're apart during so many important times and events, things that would be so much better if we were together. I'm furious and I'm depressed and I'm basically miserable every day. I wake up in a bad mood because I'm waking up alone. I can laugh all day long, but at night I'm back to my own bed, which brings me back down. I've been told recently how brave and strong I am because I go out with people on my own. I didn't think it was a big deal because I used to do that all the time, but then I realized that a lot of people don't do that at all when they're dating someone else seriously. I do it mostly as a distraction.

I really hate it that we're going to be apart for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be alone for Thanksgiving. I'll be with Hannah and have received numerous other invites to spend the day with friends, but essentially, I will be alone for the first time on a major holiday.

It also makes me mad that I feel this strongly, that I'm so depressed all the time about this. It makes me feel like I've given in and that I'm dependent upon someone else for my emotional well-being and I hate that.

The truth is, I am fine and would be fine forever here with no one else. The truth is also that I do not want to do that. I want to be with Kelly and I want to invest this time of my life in our relationship. So I've decided to take next semester off. I'm not interested in school right now and I think that's partially to do with my seething anger as much as the fact that I've never taken time off from school in 19 years. I'm going to return to Boise for a few more months and live with Kelly so that we can stop spending important events alone - or at least we can stop spending them without each other. And we can spend some of our engagement time, which has until this point been spent in opposite states, together.

Just as a side note, I AM NOT taking off a semester to "plan my wedding." I've had to explain that to a few people here already and I only made the decision last week. I think that is one of the stupidest, cop-out reasons to take time off from school. Our decision is based on wanting to foster growth in our relationship now, avoid making too many large adjustments in too short of a time next summer, and the fact that it is extremely financially responsible.