Celebration

Good news for the week: Kelly got home on Saturday, all in one piece. I thoroughly enjoyed spending the entire weekend with him. I knew I missed him, but the reality of just how badly didn't occur to me until I saw him. I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with the fact that I was an emotional wreck this weekend; I was crying at every little thing. Things just seemed to have more of an impact on me on a deep, personal level. And I do mean everything, not just stuff with Kelly.

I was reading some articles on www.stariq.com and came across something I would like to pass on because it really speaks to me - not only in dealing with the aftermath of a tear-flooded weekend, but also in dealing with the same sort of love/intimacy/fear stuff I've been dealing with for, well, my whole life.

"While the rewards of intimacy are considerable, the fears of intimacy are equally strong for most people. This is because intimacy, coming closer to another, merging fields and feelings, threatens one's identity. As much as we want the closeness, there is a natural resistance to it. If I include you in the center of my being where am I? Where is my old familiar self? The unconscious works powerfully to maintain the status quo, even an unhappy one. Fear of losing oneself is a powerful motivation to avoid too much closeness. However, this too can be included as part of the dance of love.

"Love, in a living form, is not constant. We don't feel the same way about one another every day, because we don't feel the same way about ourselves. Now I'm not talking about wild mood swings here, just the natural ebb and flow of attraction that is part of the human condition. Venus' attraction is balanced by Mars' struggle to maintain individuality. This is why couples need to fight, to push one another away to regain their individuality. When this is conscious it can be included in the dance, a normal process that neither has to be ashamed of.

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"Connecting at a deep level is not like putting a key into a lock and turning it. It's more like a combination lock in which a number of different pieces need to fit into place before it opens.

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"When a person has a healthy respect for self and a willingness to be vulnerable, the doors of intimacy open. The ground of a healthy relationship is two healthy individuals. Health here is not about perfection, total clarity or lack of ignorance. Health is the willingness to learn, to open ourselves, to speak and to listen. When this kind of aliveness is present intimacy arrives. And, with continued care and watering, it will flourish for a long, long time."

It beautifully explains a difficult thing and does a fine job of touching on my personal issues of privacy and individuality. I'm currently trying to open the circle of myself to a redefinition. I want to redefine who I am, knowing that I do not need to - nor do I want to - be an isolated being. I'm examining the possibility that I can be a whole person, even with someone else there, someone who is also a whole person, and that it doesn't diminish anything about either of us any more than it makes one of us completely dependent upon the other because we're there together. This applies to every intimate relationship I have, with all my close friends, and in particular with Kelly.

Wish me luck...