I've taken my laptop to the PC hospital. W&M has a great IT center where you can just drop off your computer and pick it up in a few days problem-free. I'm looking forward to having a healthy little computer again. In the meantime, I'll miss it while it's gone...
Monday, November 29, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Seventeen
Seventeen was how old I was when I graduated high school. And how old I was when I moved out of my mom's house and to a lonely little dorm in Alamosa, CO. When I was seventeen I had my heart massively broken.
Seventeen magazine.
Seventeen is a low number for a checking account balance. Low, but still positive, which is good.
Seventeen dollars can be represented by three bills.
Seventeen years from now I will be forty, which is another decade entirely. By then, I imagine I won't be in school any more and I may even have kids. When I'm forty, my kids will not be seventeen.
Seventeen ponies dancing in a row. With poodles on their backs and braids in their manes.
Seventeen pages to the end of a book is a good feeling. It's the feeling of being almost there.
Seventeen days until I am home.
Seventeen magazine.
Seventeen is a low number for a checking account balance. Low, but still positive, which is good.
Seventeen dollars can be represented by three bills.
Seventeen years from now I will be forty, which is another decade entirely. By then, I imagine I won't be in school any more and I may even have kids. When I'm forty, my kids will not be seventeen.
Seventeen ponies dancing in a row. With poodles on their backs and braids in their manes.
Seventeen pages to the end of a book is a good feeling. It's the feeling of being almost there.
Seventeen days until I am home.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Hierarchy
A lot of servers at Trellis think that they are the most imperative cog in the machine of the restaurant. I've come to learn, however, that within the restaurant it does not matter how old you are or how educated you are. All that matters is how long you've been there and how well you know the innerworkings of the machine and how well you can work with all the other pieces of that machine. Some of the servers get upset at the dish washers when they get upset about the way we trade them our dishes. The servers don't like being berated by the dish washers, whom they view as being less important. The truth is, though, that the dish washers have all been doing their job longer than any of us have been serving and without them, we have no dishes to take to our tables. The food expediter often gets upset with us servers and treats us like shit, but the truth is that without us, the food would just stay in the kitchen. I really don't think I fit well into this machination of the food world. Seven more days until I'm out.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Giving Thanks
This morning I woke up (after a quite disturbing dream starring me as the semite Native American that I am) and started working. I cleaned the kitchen first, then started making pies. I constructed a pumpkin streudel pie and a homestyle apple pie. Part way through, I ran out of flour, so Hannah and I walked to the Wawa and picked someup. Back at the ranch, I finished my pies, showered, dressed, and we left for her cooperating teacher's house.
Monica's family is wonderful. Her and her husband Jim have three grown children, Chris, Tony and Katie, who were all present. Chris also brought her boyfriend Garrett. I think this was close to being the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. It was very television-family like. The family was warm and inviting with a host of great stories to share with us. We sat around before dinner drinking and talking. We shared what we were thankful for before eating at the table set with the good china and two candelabras. After dinner we all helped clean up and then we sat around digesting while the pies were cooling. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the pies because I haven't cooked for other people in a while and I've never made that pumpkin streudel pie before. But when we started eating the pies, everyone raved about them. They really were good! Garrett kept telling me that his birthday is this Saturday and that I should bring him another apple pie. I think he ate three pieces. Apparently, he doesn't usually like dessert. After dessert we played a game and then we watched TV for a little while and then Hannah and I left. We figured that since we were tired and that we'd been at their house for eight hours, it was time. We had had such a great time with them, though, that it didn't seem like eight hours at all. It also didn't seem like I was hanging out with strangers, let alone someone else's family. Also, I tried my first bite of tofurkey and it was pretty good!
And, in the spirit of the day, I will give a synopsis of what I am thankful for in my life currently. First of all, I am thankful for a family in Williamsburg who hosted me so incredibly well on my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I am thankful for my own family who has stood by me, not only because they've been there my entire life, but because of the support they have given me in the last year. This last year my life has encountered myriad changes. I've gone from an utterly confirmed single to an engaged woman. I've decided to move across the country and then to change my mind and decide to move back. Through all this, my family has welcomed all this and offered a helping hand. I am thankful for my friends, both new and old, who have aided in the construction of the person I am today. They have all seen me through some sort of identity crisis or two. And finally, I am thankful for the person I have selected as my partner in life, a man who puts up with all my semi-neurotic behavior with minimal complaints and deserves all the love I can muster like no one else I've ever met.
Monica's family is wonderful. Her and her husband Jim have three grown children, Chris, Tony and Katie, who were all present. Chris also brought her boyfriend Garrett. I think this was close to being the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. It was very television-family like. The family was warm and inviting with a host of great stories to share with us. We sat around before dinner drinking and talking. We shared what we were thankful for before eating at the table set with the good china and two candelabras. After dinner we all helped clean up and then we sat around digesting while the pies were cooling. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the pies because I haven't cooked for other people in a while and I've never made that pumpkin streudel pie before. But when we started eating the pies, everyone raved about them. They really were good! Garrett kept telling me that his birthday is this Saturday and that I should bring him another apple pie. I think he ate three pieces. Apparently, he doesn't usually like dessert. After dessert we played a game and then we watched TV for a little while and then Hannah and I left. We figured that since we were tired and that we'd been at their house for eight hours, it was time. We had had such a great time with them, though, that it didn't seem like eight hours at all. It also didn't seem like I was hanging out with strangers, let alone someone else's family. Also, I tried my first bite of tofurkey and it was pretty good!
And, in the spirit of the day, I will give a synopsis of what I am thankful for in my life currently. First of all, I am thankful for a family in Williamsburg who hosted me so incredibly well on my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I am thankful for my own family who has stood by me, not only because they've been there my entire life, but because of the support they have given me in the last year. This last year my life has encountered myriad changes. I've gone from an utterly confirmed single to an engaged woman. I've decided to move across the country and then to change my mind and decide to move back. Through all this, my family has welcomed all this and offered a helping hand. I am thankful for my friends, both new and old, who have aided in the construction of the person I am today. They have all seen me through some sort of identity crisis or two. And finally, I am thankful for the person I have selected as my partner in life, a man who puts up with all my semi-neurotic behavior with minimal complaints and deserves all the love I can muster like no one else I've ever met.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
The Good Body
Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, has published a new book called The Good Body. It "examines the never-ending female quest for conventional beauty and how constantly working on our bodies is keeping women from achieving our dreams," which basically means that I want to read it.
American
Hannah and I have been very American this evening. We ate junk food and complained about everything on campus closing for the holiday. The library is closed until Saturday, which pisses me off because I was planning to do copious amounts of research for my lit review there tomorrow, and the rec center is closed until Monday, which pisses us both off because we've recently made that building our local hang out. As far as I can tell from their web site, however, the student health center will be open tomorrow, which is good because I need to pick up my 3P refill. Otherwise, catastrophies could occur.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Rings
My two Monday night evening classes tend to host a silent forum of girls admiring each other's rings. Engagement or wedding rings, usually. At first, this was something that bothered me. A lot. On some level I think I still am bothered by the traditional femaleness of the display of the material body-mark of "ownership" by another human, but I have also come to see it as more than that.
The ring isn't just something that a girl can wear to show off how much she's materially loved by a man. It is something that bonds girls together. The ring can spark a number of different conversations. She may ask about the fiance...his name, his job, what he drives...She may ask how he proposed, and may share her own story as well. She may ask about the wedding...when, where, flowers, dress...Or the conversation may stay on the topic of jewelry itself. The possibilities are endless. The ring is an open door for a conversation, bringing two women to a place of common ground where they can talk about themselves and therefore bond with each other.
I've been thinking a lot about my own ring lately and what it means for me. Kelly and I are both wearing rings now, because I wasn't about to wear one and be the only one (for reasons of bodily markings mentioned above), but also because he wanted to wear one. The ring he's wearing now is kind of a fake one (long story), but I have purchased his real one. I gave it to him while he was here, but it was too big so he'll be wearing the fake one until I move home in 24 days with the new, real one in tow. When he gave me my ring he also gave me a little speech about loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life being happy with me. When I gave him his ring, I gave him a little speech about wanting to show that I am ready to make whatever changes necessary to let everyone who sees us know that we live for each other. In thinking about my own ring, I am also mindful of the fact that I need to get it cleaned before Christmas.
Thinking about rings has prompted me to think about our wedding. This event, which I had never thought would be much of a big deal, is turning into something huge. Not huge in size, but huge in importance. I think that our current separation is making that more apparent for me. At our wedding, we will be telling each other in front of everyone we know and love and who love us in return that we love each other and will promise to spend every day together until death should part us. It means so much more after this separation - to me, at least - because I hear him talk about spending time with people every day who either don't know me or have only met me a couple times. In their minds, I am distant. In some of their minds, I could be merely a figment of Kelly's imagination. Moving home will end that and our marriage will solidify my own reality in his life as well as our reality as a devoted partnership.
The ring isn't just something that a girl can wear to show off how much she's materially loved by a man. It is something that bonds girls together. The ring can spark a number of different conversations. She may ask about the fiance...his name, his job, what he drives...She may ask how he proposed, and may share her own story as well. She may ask about the wedding...when, where, flowers, dress...Or the conversation may stay on the topic of jewelry itself. The possibilities are endless. The ring is an open door for a conversation, bringing two women to a place of common ground where they can talk about themselves and therefore bond with each other.
I've been thinking a lot about my own ring lately and what it means for me. Kelly and I are both wearing rings now, because I wasn't about to wear one and be the only one (for reasons of bodily markings mentioned above), but also because he wanted to wear one. The ring he's wearing now is kind of a fake one (long story), but I have purchased his real one. I gave it to him while he was here, but it was too big so he'll be wearing the fake one until I move home in 24 days with the new, real one in tow. When he gave me my ring he also gave me a little speech about loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life being happy with me. When I gave him his ring, I gave him a little speech about wanting to show that I am ready to make whatever changes necessary to let everyone who sees us know that we live for each other. In thinking about my own ring, I am also mindful of the fact that I need to get it cleaned before Christmas.
Thinking about rings has prompted me to think about our wedding. This event, which I had never thought would be much of a big deal, is turning into something huge. Not huge in size, but huge in importance. I think that our current separation is making that more apparent for me. At our wedding, we will be telling each other in front of everyone we know and love and who love us in return that we love each other and will promise to spend every day together until death should part us. It means so much more after this separation - to me, at least - because I hear him talk about spending time with people every day who either don't know me or have only met me a couple times. In their minds, I am distant. In some of their minds, I could be merely a figment of Kelly's imagination. Moving home will end that and our marriage will solidify my own reality in his life as well as our reality as a devoted partnership.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Payday
I received my first actual paycheck from Trellis today. Now, I knew going into this that waiting tables would not produce large paychecks because the primary means of income for a server was in the tips. However, what I found on my paycheck still surprised me. Here's the breakdown:
38.5 hours at $2.13
and
1 hour at $5.15
After taxes, my paycheck amounted to $5.37. No, not a typo. That's just over five dollars. So for anyone who has never waited tables or known anyone who has waited tables and think that tipping isn't all that important, here ya go.
Oh, yeah, and that's for two weeks worth of work. So every two weeks, I get to look forward to an extra five bucks. Now that's just plain overwhelming!
38.5 hours at $2.13
and
1 hour at $5.15
After taxes, my paycheck amounted to $5.37. No, not a typo. That's just over five dollars. So for anyone who has never waited tables or known anyone who has waited tables and think that tipping isn't all that important, here ya go.
Oh, yeah, and that's for two weeks worth of work. So every two weeks, I get to look forward to an extra five bucks. Now that's just plain overwhelming!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Tonight
I don't care how much Kelly laughs at me for it, but tonight was a lot of fun. He just laughs because he doesn't know any better.
Tonight, Surita and Helene came over. We drank wine and ate bread dipped in extra virgin olive oil and garlic pepper. They are both big "OC" fans. It's a TV show. I've never seen it, but whatever. Then we watched "Happy Birthday, Jessica, Love, Nick" on MTV because Surita is a huge Jessica Simpson fan. Then - and maybe it was because this was our last night of group or maybe it was the wine - we showed each other our breasts and talked about them. Because that's something that a lot of girls are self-conscious about, no matter how many men tell her they're beautiful (Because honestly, no man is going to say, "No, actually, I think your boobs are hideous. Please put your shirt back on."), and have relatively no venue to discuss that concern openly. So we discussed that tonight. Then I signed up for AOL messenger because that's what all the cool people on the east coast do, apparently, whereas all the rest of us in mountain standard time use MSN messenger. And I had a really great time with them.
They've also, as a side note, started talking about having a going-away-party for me. I love that idea. I've never really had one of those before. I've never been tight with a large group of people before in my entire life - not like I am here. I usually just have a couple of close friends or separate circles that I hang out with. Nothing like this, where everyone knows everyone else and we all - for the most part - get along. I am really going to miss this. I've always been envious of people who have had this. But alas, I will have other things. The moral of the story is that I really hope that there is some sort of a going-away-ness for me...If anything just because this is the first time in my life when I will have that opportunity...and quite possibly the last...
I mean, I've had going-away parties before, but not with all my friends present. This would be the only time that that would be at all possible.
OK, I'm repeating myself. And if I keep thinking about it, I just may end up crying a little. So I'm done.
Tonight, Surita and Helene came over. We drank wine and ate bread dipped in extra virgin olive oil and garlic pepper. They are both big "OC" fans. It's a TV show. I've never seen it, but whatever. Then we watched "Happy Birthday, Jessica, Love, Nick" on MTV because Surita is a huge Jessica Simpson fan. Then - and maybe it was because this was our last night of group or maybe it was the wine - we showed each other our breasts and talked about them. Because that's something that a lot of girls are self-conscious about, no matter how many men tell her they're beautiful (Because honestly, no man is going to say, "No, actually, I think your boobs are hideous. Please put your shirt back on."), and have relatively no venue to discuss that concern openly. So we discussed that tonight. Then I signed up for AOL messenger because that's what all the cool people on the east coast do, apparently, whereas all the rest of us in mountain standard time use MSN messenger. And I had a really great time with them.
They've also, as a side note, started talking about having a going-away-party for me. I love that idea. I've never really had one of those before. I've never been tight with a large group of people before in my entire life - not like I am here. I usually just have a couple of close friends or separate circles that I hang out with. Nothing like this, where everyone knows everyone else and we all - for the most part - get along. I am really going to miss this. I've always been envious of people who have had this. But alas, I will have other things. The moral of the story is that I really hope that there is some sort of a going-away-ness for me...If anything just because this is the first time in my life when I will have that opportunity...and quite possibly the last...
I mean, I've had going-away parties before, but not with all my friends present. This would be the only time that that would be at all possible.
OK, I'm repeating myself. And if I keep thinking about it, I just may end up crying a little. So I'm done.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Election Goodness
There is some good that comes of the election results, I have decided. Now I have an excuse to wear the "Knitters Against Bush" shirt. Because I am. A knitter against Bush. Now all I need is to obtain said t-shirt. In case you're feeling generous, I wear a medium in the "March on Washington" style.
Huh.
So I'm delaying doing this thing they call homework. I think I've already done quite a bit this morning, although it has all been little, easy stuff. Like emailing group members repeatedly and writing a press release, which I can effectively do in my sleep, thanks to the ladies in Boise State's News Services. Now I need to work on my final for my theories class and write a reflection paper for group. Neither one difficult, but neither one particularly interesting, either. Huh.
-----
I currently have an overflowing box of my personal items that I need to get rid of. Some clothes, some paper, some highlighters. Like 30 highlighters. I received a bunch for free once and have just been holding on to them. I've decided to set them free...To give them a new home with someone else who needs new highlighters. I also have some random wooden picture frames that I hate. They're nice and all, I just am not a huge fan of wooden picture frames lately. So if anyone would like to acquire some new stuff that at one time belonged to me, please just stop on by.
-----
It has been a while since I've put any links within my text for people to check out. I wonder if anyone ever did that anyway. I really have no way of knowing. I just realized that it has been a while since I've provided you with that opportunity. It has also been a while since I've placed any photos on here. This is because I really have no way of doing that. If I had a digital camera I probably would do that more often. But I don't. So I can't. Huh.
-----
I attended a conference (sort of) on Monday in D.C. for school counselors. Actually (and why I say "sort of"), it was more like an informal meeting just for school counseling students at W&M. All 20 of us. Whatever. It was still all day and in D.C. and very informative. Throughout the course of the day, I found myself sitting there thinking "Wow...This is all really great information. I wish this was what I wanted to do so that I could use this information in my near future." Surita, however, was salivating at the chance to be able to use this information in her near future. I suppose that just further illustrates the differences in people and my firm resolution that this is not what I want to do. I actually went to this conference thinking to myself that I would allow it to change my mind back if possible...that I would not be resistant to being inspired or coerced. These things did not happen.
-----
My goal for the day is to drink three litres of water. I have already consumed one and one third and I'll be attending a hip-hop class later tonight, so I'm sure I'll make it.
-----
I love burning candles that smell nice. I'm not a huge vanilla fan, though. I think I was so addicted to it in high school that now the scent simply repulses me. I enjoy a variety. Lately I've been burning a holiday cobbler candle in the apartment. I like lighter, less musky scents.
-----
I'm really not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving alone this year. I think that maybe I'll stop whining about it, though, and start planning to have a good time without my family. I guess that's the only way I'll make it through without being all depressed like a loser.
-----
I have a difficult time remembering that certain situations affect more people than just me. I also have a difficult time remembering to apologize for my ego-centrism. I need to work on that.
-----
I'm still delaying the homework. I think I'm going to go to the bathroom (to delay just a little more and because I've already consumed 1 1/3 litres of water) and then return to my desk with fervor and readied typing fingers.
-----
I currently have an overflowing box of my personal items that I need to get rid of. Some clothes, some paper, some highlighters. Like 30 highlighters. I received a bunch for free once and have just been holding on to them. I've decided to set them free...To give them a new home with someone else who needs new highlighters. I also have some random wooden picture frames that I hate. They're nice and all, I just am not a huge fan of wooden picture frames lately. So if anyone would like to acquire some new stuff that at one time belonged to me, please just stop on by.
-----
It has been a while since I've put any links within my text for people to check out. I wonder if anyone ever did that anyway. I really have no way of knowing. I just realized that it has been a while since I've provided you with that opportunity. It has also been a while since I've placed any photos on here. This is because I really have no way of doing that. If I had a digital camera I probably would do that more often. But I don't. So I can't. Huh.
-----
I attended a conference (sort of) on Monday in D.C. for school counselors. Actually (and why I say "sort of"), it was more like an informal meeting just for school counseling students at W&M. All 20 of us. Whatever. It was still all day and in D.C. and very informative. Throughout the course of the day, I found myself sitting there thinking "Wow...This is all really great information. I wish this was what I wanted to do so that I could use this information in my near future." Surita, however, was salivating at the chance to be able to use this information in her near future. I suppose that just further illustrates the differences in people and my firm resolution that this is not what I want to do. I actually went to this conference thinking to myself that I would allow it to change my mind back if possible...that I would not be resistant to being inspired or coerced. These things did not happen.
-----
My goal for the day is to drink three litres of water. I have already consumed one and one third and I'll be attending a hip-hop class later tonight, so I'm sure I'll make it.
-----
I love burning candles that smell nice. I'm not a huge vanilla fan, though. I think I was so addicted to it in high school that now the scent simply repulses me. I enjoy a variety. Lately I've been burning a holiday cobbler candle in the apartment. I like lighter, less musky scents.
-----
I'm really not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving alone this year. I think that maybe I'll stop whining about it, though, and start planning to have a good time without my family. I guess that's the only way I'll make it through without being all depressed like a loser.
-----
I have a difficult time remembering that certain situations affect more people than just me. I also have a difficult time remembering to apologize for my ego-centrism. I need to work on that.
-----
I'm still delaying the homework. I think I'm going to go to the bathroom (to delay just a little more and because I've already consumed 1 1/3 litres of water) and then return to my desk with fervor and readied typing fingers.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Bathroom Stuff
For anyone who doesn't know me very well, I will just let you know that I own many things that go in the bathroom...shampoos, conditioners, lotions, make-up...you name it. And I use all of it. Not all at the same time, mind you, but through time and on different days, I use all of it. Right now all my stuff is spread out because I don't have enough room in the bathroom for it. In the bathroom I have a little metal stand that is not condusive to the bottles standing erect, but rather, the little shelves make my little bottles topple over, which makes my shelves look cluttered in a way I deem unnecessary.
Here is my dream...I dream that I have a space in the bathroom that is all mine. Perhaps a cupboard above the toilet. It has solid shelves rather than shelves made of small metal bars spaced too far apart. It has doors so that my effects are shielded from on-lookers who may complain in exasperation and so that the bathroom maintains an air of tidiness. There is an area where I can place little containers to separate out my lipglosses from my eyeliners rather than keeping them in my too small make-up bag. It will even have ample room for me to place my curling irons, blow dryer and hair brushes as well as somewhere to place my jewelry.
I don't like the idea of having a vanity, but this idea absolutely makes me giddy. It is my great hope that I shall have this exquisite set-up in my lifetime.
Here is my dream...I dream that I have a space in the bathroom that is all mine. Perhaps a cupboard above the toilet. It has solid shelves rather than shelves made of small metal bars spaced too far apart. It has doors so that my effects are shielded from on-lookers who may complain in exasperation and so that the bathroom maintains an air of tidiness. There is an area where I can place little containers to separate out my lipglosses from my eyeliners rather than keeping them in my too small make-up bag. It will even have ample room for me to place my curling irons, blow dryer and hair brushes as well as somewhere to place my jewelry.
I don't like the idea of having a vanity, but this idea absolutely makes me giddy. It is my great hope that I shall have this exquisite set-up in my lifetime.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Birthday Fun
I just realized that I didn't mention any of the fun stuff Kelly and I did while he was here. Well, I had told him that the entire time he was in Virginia it was to be considered his birthday, so I told him "Happy Birthday" as much as I possibly could.
Thursday we went shopping for new panties for me to wear and him to appreciate. (Sorry for that one Dad, I couldn't help but throw it in there just for you.) Then he took Hannah to the Richmond airport while I went to my group therapy class. Afterwards, we went to dinner with a bunch of people from my program, which was fun for two reasons: 1) Kelly was able to meet a ton of people I spend my days with, and 2) it gave everyone a good reason to wind down and hang out. That night, Surita brought a birthday cake over that she had made for him and the three of us, along with her boyfriend Chris and Helene, ate cake and hung out. Then Helene went home and the remaining four of us went to the local deli for a drink.
Friday morning started at a local elementary school where Kelly helped my intro class with a literacy project we were doing with the kids. Then we came back to my apartment, watched movies, took a nap and snacked all afternoon.
Saturday (the actual day of birth) I woke up before Kelly (not unusual) and made him a huge breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, toast and orange juice, which I delivered to him in bed. It helped my cause immensely that he's a heavy sleeper and when I told him that I had to go do something and that I would be right back, in his sleepy state he didn't find that at all suspicious. Then we went to the Williamsburg Winery for a winery tour, a tasting of eight wines and a very delicious lunch. Afterward, we went to the shop where I last tried on wedding dresses so I could show him the dresses I had liked there. Then we came back to my apartment and took a little (much needed after all the wine) cat nap before heading out to the final surprise for the weekend - a historic ghost tour. There's a company here in the Burg that does these historic ghost tours and when I found out about it, I knew I wanted to take Kelly for his birthday. That was about two months ago. The tour covered a little about the college (since the college is literally across the street from the colonial part of town) and then we walked through part of the colonial streets. Our tour guide was the tiniest British woman who was absolutely fantastic. We decided we would like to take her home with us, we liked her so much.
So that was our weekend in a nutshell. I had such a superb time! While he was here, it was difficult to remember a time when he hadn't been here. I've noticed that about when we're together - that it just seems like we've always been together. That feeling leaves me confident for the time when our separation will terminate...for the time when we will be able to spend each night together and each day counting the mornings we've shared rather than the mornings until we have to say "Good bye." After this little visit, I feel invigorated. I feel ready to finish the semester strong, in order to pass the time quickly. I feel excited to pack and prepare to move myself back to Boise. Mostly, though, I feel ready to begin a new chapter in my life, one with Kelly by my side each and every day. I am ready to do what it takes to make that the only reality we know, and to make the reality of our separation a mere memory.
Thursday we went shopping for new panties for me to wear and him to appreciate. (Sorry for that one Dad, I couldn't help but throw it in there just for you.) Then he took Hannah to the Richmond airport while I went to my group therapy class. Afterwards, we went to dinner with a bunch of people from my program, which was fun for two reasons: 1) Kelly was able to meet a ton of people I spend my days with, and 2) it gave everyone a good reason to wind down and hang out. That night, Surita brought a birthday cake over that she had made for him and the three of us, along with her boyfriend Chris and Helene, ate cake and hung out. Then Helene went home and the remaining four of us went to the local deli for a drink.
Friday morning started at a local elementary school where Kelly helped my intro class with a literacy project we were doing with the kids. Then we came back to my apartment, watched movies, took a nap and snacked all afternoon.
Saturday (the actual day of birth) I woke up before Kelly (not unusual) and made him a huge breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, toast and orange juice, which I delivered to him in bed. It helped my cause immensely that he's a heavy sleeper and when I told him that I had to go do something and that I would be right back, in his sleepy state he didn't find that at all suspicious. Then we went to the Williamsburg Winery for a winery tour, a tasting of eight wines and a very delicious lunch. Afterward, we went to the shop where I last tried on wedding dresses so I could show him the dresses I had liked there. Then we came back to my apartment and took a little (much needed after all the wine) cat nap before heading out to the final surprise for the weekend - a historic ghost tour. There's a company here in the Burg that does these historic ghost tours and when I found out about it, I knew I wanted to take Kelly for his birthday. That was about two months ago. The tour covered a little about the college (since the college is literally across the street from the colonial part of town) and then we walked through part of the colonial streets. Our tour guide was the tiniest British woman who was absolutely fantastic. We decided we would like to take her home with us, we liked her so much.
So that was our weekend in a nutshell. I had such a superb time! While he was here, it was difficult to remember a time when he hadn't been here. I've noticed that about when we're together - that it just seems like we've always been together. That feeling leaves me confident for the time when our separation will terminate...for the time when we will be able to spend each night together and each day counting the mornings we've shared rather than the mornings until we have to say "Good bye." After this little visit, I feel invigorated. I feel ready to finish the semester strong, in order to pass the time quickly. I feel excited to pack and prepare to move myself back to Boise. Mostly, though, I feel ready to begin a new chapter in my life, one with Kelly by my side each and every day. I am ready to do what it takes to make that the only reality we know, and to make the reality of our separation a mere memory.
If It Ain't King James It Ain't Bible
I find that some things that appear in my daily life are true and accurate representations of this area as a whole, in an overgeneralized and overstereotyped version of my experience here. For instance, the bumpersticker I witnessed while driving back to Williamsburg from the Norfolk airport this morning, which doubled for me as the title of this post. No, I did not leave out any punctuation or articles.
Williamsburg is an interesting place, for certain. No more do I marvel at what people wear - not since seeing people in standard 18th century dress has become commonplace in the grocery store or at the bar. Er, uh, the deli. I have grown accustomed to stopping in the middle of the road - not necessarily at a crosswalk - to allow a gaggle of tourists to walk in front of my car like a mess of geese. People here refer to foothills as "large mountains." People here forget to use verbs. There is a standard decorum to uphold, which includes not showing too much skin in the summer by wearing a spaghetti-strapped tank top. Names and money are of particular importance here. As are bricks. There are some days I can convince myself that I'm living in a literal war zone because I can hear cannons bursting from the war reinactments nearby. And you never go too long without hearing a fife and drum corps walking down the street.
Yes, this is where I live.
Williamsburg is an interesting place, for certain. No more do I marvel at what people wear - not since seeing people in standard 18th century dress has become commonplace in the grocery store or at the bar. Er, uh, the deli. I have grown accustomed to stopping in the middle of the road - not necessarily at a crosswalk - to allow a gaggle of tourists to walk in front of my car like a mess of geese. People here refer to foothills as "large mountains." People here forget to use verbs. There is a standard decorum to uphold, which includes not showing too much skin in the summer by wearing a spaghetti-strapped tank top. Names and money are of particular importance here. As are bricks. There are some days I can convince myself that I'm living in a literal war zone because I can hear cannons bursting from the war reinactments nearby. And you never go too long without hearing a fife and drum corps walking down the street.
Yes, this is where I live.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Yay!
Kelly came in last night. It is a darn good thing I'm perpetually early to things because I arrived at the same exact time that his plane landed...A HALF HOUR EARLY. Ah, but he's here and the fun can begin. I gave him a polaroid camera last night and he was surprised and wondering how I knew he had always wanted one. Gee, could it be that I actually listen when he talks? No...Couldn't be. So, lots of other fun stuff to do this weekend, but I can't talk about it here because who knows how or when he'll get his crafty little hands on a computer. Can't take any chances of ruining stuff. See, if I tell him and nothing is a surprise, it's just like any other day of the year. This weekend is his birthday and that means everything is going to be special.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Dr. Day-VInes
Dr. Day-Vines is my advisor here at William & Mary. There's something about her that makes me just want to hang out with her all the time. I went into her office today to talk to her about my decision to switch programs and schools and wound up talking for quite a while about Kelly and my kids. When I gave her the news, she looked genuinely sad. She said that she was really going to miss me but that she wishes me the best and volunteered to write me a letter of recommendation and asked me to stay in touch with her. I didn't think that she would be so affected or care that much, so her response is particularly touching. I respect her and find her to be such a fascinating person...it makes me glad she likes me and cares about me that much.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Pondering By The Window
Here's a little something I wrote today...Minimal, timely edits included. This is in response to multiple and varied people.
I'm sitting in the library next to the window, looking out at life on the east coast changing to fit the newest autumn color scheme. Transitional seasons have always been my favorites because each day brings a crisp, unseen face to the world. It is a beautiful process that Mother Nature conducts effortlessly; a gentle fade from one period to the next.
I suppose, then, that it is appropriate for me at this time to contemplate what I am doing and contemplate a change in my life. I thought i wanted to be a school counselor mostly based on a bad Jennifer Aniston film. Now that I'm learning more about the program and my future with the profession, I'm boubting the verity of my choice.
I know what I want to do. I want to study literature or teaching and I want to teach high school English. When I talk to people about it though, they're concerned that Kelly is the cause for my change in focus, when in reality, he has very little to do with it. This program is not what I thought it would be. At first I loved it, but the deeper into it I go, the less I want to continue with it. I don't like the research. I don't like APA format. There are no new ideas/concepts I didn't study in undergrad and what new literature I do come across no longer excites me. I don't like the national conception of the job. I don't like my future prospects with the job. This is NOT what I thought it would be. This is NOT what I wanted.
So, how is it wrong, then, for me to change my mind, my future, my direction? Williamsburg is a great place, but it is not the place for me. I don't really fit in here. So why should I stay? What will I prove? That I can live without Kelly? That seems to be a big concern when people try to tell me this is a bad idea.
Here's a little tid bit for you: This is not about Kelly.
Yes, I miss him and yes, I want to be with him and yes, I want to attend Boise State for my teaching program, but this decision about MY schooling is a decision about ME. Yes, it affects him because it affects me, but I am not going to make a decision based on his immediate goals or needs or even his version of my future. He wants me to make the decision that will make ME happy. And I won't be 100% happy if I stay here and if I stay in this program.
I want to return to Boise. I will live with Kelly six blocks from campus and will take classes at a discounted rate because he is a state employee and we'll be married, so that benefit extends to me. I want a classroom rather than an office. I want to tell people what I do and not have them ask what exactly that entails. I want to talk literature all day and teach young people how to communicate their thoughts through the written word.
And I'm sick of people cautioning me against this because they view Kelly's role in this as my driving force in decreasing myself in the educational process because of their own personal biases against relationships. Maybe I will start a new program and hate it. Maybe I will change my mind again. Maybe I will change my mind back to school counseling. Whichever way I do things, this change is not wrong and it is not a demotation of myself in the educational process. It is difficult to be a teacher and the position of "teacher" is one I think is not regarded nearly as highly as it should be. In my opinion, being a teacher is more important - if only just for the average student (who rarely visits the counselor's office) - than being a school counselor.
I'm still open to feedback on this issue - feedback that does not involve Kelly, but rather focuses on my educational goals as an individual. Feedback about things like how well I would do as a teacher and if I'm good with writing and literature. A few people have already done this; the people who honestly know me have told me honestly about me, without talking about how I'm "making a decision for Kelly." Because these people know me and know I wouldn't do that.
I think it is easy to make a rash decision based on the pangs and twangs of your heart, but if you're making an (attempted) educated decision about the rest of your life, things are a little different. That's what this is. Counseling or teaching is the debate this time, not whether or not I want to be with Kelly. I already have that one figured out.
I'm sitting in the library next to the window, looking out at life on the east coast changing to fit the newest autumn color scheme. Transitional seasons have always been my favorites because each day brings a crisp, unseen face to the world. It is a beautiful process that Mother Nature conducts effortlessly; a gentle fade from one period to the next.
I suppose, then, that it is appropriate for me at this time to contemplate what I am doing and contemplate a change in my life. I thought i wanted to be a school counselor mostly based on a bad Jennifer Aniston film. Now that I'm learning more about the program and my future with the profession, I'm boubting the verity of my choice.
I know what I want to do. I want to study literature or teaching and I want to teach high school English. When I talk to people about it though, they're concerned that Kelly is the cause for my change in focus, when in reality, he has very little to do with it. This program is not what I thought it would be. At first I loved it, but the deeper into it I go, the less I want to continue with it. I don't like the research. I don't like APA format. There are no new ideas/concepts I didn't study in undergrad and what new literature I do come across no longer excites me. I don't like the national conception of the job. I don't like my future prospects with the job. This is NOT what I thought it would be. This is NOT what I wanted.
So, how is it wrong, then, for me to change my mind, my future, my direction? Williamsburg is a great place, but it is not the place for me. I don't really fit in here. So why should I stay? What will I prove? That I can live without Kelly? That seems to be a big concern when people try to tell me this is a bad idea.
Here's a little tid bit for you: This is not about Kelly.
Yes, I miss him and yes, I want to be with him and yes, I want to attend Boise State for my teaching program, but this decision about MY schooling is a decision about ME. Yes, it affects him because it affects me, but I am not going to make a decision based on his immediate goals or needs or even his version of my future. He wants me to make the decision that will make ME happy. And I won't be 100% happy if I stay here and if I stay in this program.
I want to return to Boise. I will live with Kelly six blocks from campus and will take classes at a discounted rate because he is a state employee and we'll be married, so that benefit extends to me. I want a classroom rather than an office. I want to tell people what I do and not have them ask what exactly that entails. I want to talk literature all day and teach young people how to communicate their thoughts through the written word.
And I'm sick of people cautioning me against this because they view Kelly's role in this as my driving force in decreasing myself in the educational process because of their own personal biases against relationships. Maybe I will start a new program and hate it. Maybe I will change my mind again. Maybe I will change my mind back to school counseling. Whichever way I do things, this change is not wrong and it is not a demotation of myself in the educational process. It is difficult to be a teacher and the position of "teacher" is one I think is not regarded nearly as highly as it should be. In my opinion, being a teacher is more important - if only just for the average student (who rarely visits the counselor's office) - than being a school counselor.
I'm still open to feedback on this issue - feedback that does not involve Kelly, but rather focuses on my educational goals as an individual. Feedback about things like how well I would do as a teacher and if I'm good with writing and literature. A few people have already done this; the people who honestly know me have told me honestly about me, without talking about how I'm "making a decision for Kelly." Because these people know me and know I wouldn't do that.
I think it is easy to make a rash decision based on the pangs and twangs of your heart, but if you're making an (attempted) educated decision about the rest of your life, things are a little different. That's what this is. Counseling or teaching is the debate this time, not whether or not I want to be with Kelly. I already have that one figured out.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Three Days
Zero more days left to work at Trellis until Kelly gets here and only three days total until he's here. He's coming for his birthday on the 13th. Yay! It will be the last time I see him until I go home at the end of this semester and I'll only be able to see him for three days, so I'm going to make every second count.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
My Friends
I have just decided that I haven't done justice to the people with whom I have fallen in love here in Virginia. That stops now.
Surita was the first person in my program I became friends with. I honestly started to talk to her because she was the prettiest girl in my group therapy class, which was our first class of the semester. Later, I found out that she thought the same thing about me and that was why she started talking to me. I've since learned that Surita is even more beautiful inside. She is young and energetic and has an optimism that never fails. She is strong and independent and incredibly on task with every color-coded event in her date book. She loves big. Huge. And with every part of herself. She has incredible insight to people and situations and has this uncanny ability to read between the lines like no one I've ever met. When she listens, you know she is listening because you can almost see her physically absorbing the words coming out of your mouth. After I'd only known her a couple weeks she made a comment about us being friends for the rest of our lives and I knew it would be true.
Hannah was the first person I really met here. Kelly and I were sitting on the couch watching The Abyss when she walked through the front door and said, "Hi, I live here too. I'm Hannah." Then she went to her room until the end of the movie, when she re-emerged into our conversation and sat chatting with us for quite a while about work, school, traveling, you name it. Hannah is full of great stories and many of them being with something like "One time when I was in Austria..." or "When I lived on this Scottish island..." or "Oh my goodness, in Honduras they..." My favorite story is the one where she had a run-in with the head of the Croatian maffia. She gets stressed when she has a lot going on, but when things calm down she always comes back to me and apologizes for being cranky. She gets so excited about absolutely everything with childlike glee. She loves people and parties and conversations and good friend circles. She also loves competitions and likes turning whatever she can into a race of some sort. I don't think I've ever met someone so motivated to be absolutely amazing every single day.
Abby is almost paradoxical to me because she says that she needs to learn to be stronger, but I see her as already having achieved that. Abby has left her home and her boyfriend of four years to pursue her degree here, all of which causes her to struggle inside. She doesn't get down about it, though. She sees what will be there for her in the end and she knows that everything right now is worth it. She has invested herself in this program and the rest of us in the program in a way I never could. She talks to everyone and knows what is going on with them and makes sure to ask them periodically how they're doing. She has a sort of city-savvy attitude that amuses me here in little Williamsburg; I see her loving Chicago. Her mid-west attitude of life is a little laissez-faire, a little goal-oriented and a lot personal because she really places her heart in what she does. Incredibly generous and incredibly helpful, her strength really lies in what she is truly able to do for othe people completely effortlessly because to her it is like breathing.
Carmen appears seemless to me in the respect that her life, rather than aspects of it being pieced together like a quilt, fades from one thing to the next like a gentle wash of myriad colors. She is always calm and collected and generally up-beat about things. Nothing in her life is out of place; rather, it all just manages to fit nicely together in a manner that allows her to handle things as they come. She loves Christmas videos and started listening to holiday music about two weeks ago. This girl is incredibly smart, especially concerning American history and politics. She is going to make just about the best elementary school teacher on the planet, with one asset being her soothing, calming voice that, even as an adult, makes me want to sit down and listen all night. She is also incredibly good humored. She is so good at making small talk with strangers of all sorts while at the same time being so good at really connecting with a person and knowing all the important things to ask.
Helene is much more integrated in all of our lives than she realizes. She is friendly and helpful and willing to try just about anything. She allows me to be a little more crazy than normal, mostly, I think, just because she wants to see what is going to happen. She has a wonderful sense of humor, laughs easily and can usually keep the laughter coming. She is relaxed in the way she handles just about everything, from work/school stress to her silly friends. She gives great spontaneous compliments and is able to really voice her true, uncomplicated thoughts on a situation. When she encourages, sometimes it sounds more like peer pressure, which makes me laugh. When she sincerely encourages, it makes you think you were ridiculous for ever having doubted yourself.
Kat is my third roommate. There is a lot about this girl that confuses me, but the basic quality of her nature is a gentle, loving woman with an overwhelming sense of generosity. She is very simple and doesn't get caught up or fooled by the pretentions of life that distract most other people.
Surita was the first person in my program I became friends with. I honestly started to talk to her because she was the prettiest girl in my group therapy class, which was our first class of the semester. Later, I found out that she thought the same thing about me and that was why she started talking to me. I've since learned that Surita is even more beautiful inside. She is young and energetic and has an optimism that never fails. She is strong and independent and incredibly on task with every color-coded event in her date book. She loves big. Huge. And with every part of herself. She has incredible insight to people and situations and has this uncanny ability to read between the lines like no one I've ever met. When she listens, you know she is listening because you can almost see her physically absorbing the words coming out of your mouth. After I'd only known her a couple weeks she made a comment about us being friends for the rest of our lives and I knew it would be true.
Hannah was the first person I really met here. Kelly and I were sitting on the couch watching The Abyss when she walked through the front door and said, "Hi, I live here too. I'm Hannah." Then she went to her room until the end of the movie, when she re-emerged into our conversation and sat chatting with us for quite a while about work, school, traveling, you name it. Hannah is full of great stories and many of them being with something like "One time when I was in Austria..." or "When I lived on this Scottish island..." or "Oh my goodness, in Honduras they..." My favorite story is the one where she had a run-in with the head of the Croatian maffia. She gets stressed when she has a lot going on, but when things calm down she always comes back to me and apologizes for being cranky. She gets so excited about absolutely everything with childlike glee. She loves people and parties and conversations and good friend circles. She also loves competitions and likes turning whatever she can into a race of some sort. I don't think I've ever met someone so motivated to be absolutely amazing every single day.
Abby is almost paradoxical to me because she says that she needs to learn to be stronger, but I see her as already having achieved that. Abby has left her home and her boyfriend of four years to pursue her degree here, all of which causes her to struggle inside. She doesn't get down about it, though. She sees what will be there for her in the end and she knows that everything right now is worth it. She has invested herself in this program and the rest of us in the program in a way I never could. She talks to everyone and knows what is going on with them and makes sure to ask them periodically how they're doing. She has a sort of city-savvy attitude that amuses me here in little Williamsburg; I see her loving Chicago. Her mid-west attitude of life is a little laissez-faire, a little goal-oriented and a lot personal because she really places her heart in what she does. Incredibly generous and incredibly helpful, her strength really lies in what she is truly able to do for othe people completely effortlessly because to her it is like breathing.
Carmen appears seemless to me in the respect that her life, rather than aspects of it being pieced together like a quilt, fades from one thing to the next like a gentle wash of myriad colors. She is always calm and collected and generally up-beat about things. Nothing in her life is out of place; rather, it all just manages to fit nicely together in a manner that allows her to handle things as they come. She loves Christmas videos and started listening to holiday music about two weeks ago. This girl is incredibly smart, especially concerning American history and politics. She is going to make just about the best elementary school teacher on the planet, with one asset being her soothing, calming voice that, even as an adult, makes me want to sit down and listen all night. She is also incredibly good humored. She is so good at making small talk with strangers of all sorts while at the same time being so good at really connecting with a person and knowing all the important things to ask.
Helene is much more integrated in all of our lives than she realizes. She is friendly and helpful and willing to try just about anything. She allows me to be a little more crazy than normal, mostly, I think, just because she wants to see what is going to happen. She has a wonderful sense of humor, laughs easily and can usually keep the laughter coming. She is relaxed in the way she handles just about everything, from work/school stress to her silly friends. She gives great spontaneous compliments and is able to really voice her true, uncomplicated thoughts on a situation. When she encourages, sometimes it sounds more like peer pressure, which makes me laugh. When she sincerely encourages, it makes you think you were ridiculous for ever having doubted yourself.
Kat is my third roommate. There is a lot about this girl that confuses me, but the basic quality of her nature is a gentle, loving woman with an overwhelming sense of generosity. She is very simple and doesn't get caught up or fooled by the pretentions of life that distract most other people.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Understanding
There's a lot about life and this world in general that I do not understand.
I don't understand how someone could vote based on one issue alone, especially when they do not fully understand that issue or are completely ignoring every other issue.
I don't understand how any American student today who has found themself strapped for cash in the last four years could vote for Bush.
I don't understand how any minority (gender, racial, religious...) who cares an inch about history and the fact that their representative group has been denied the right to decide on laws and officials or who cares about their current personal freedoms could sit idly by without voting.
I don't understand how any woman could vote for Bush, a man who thinks he knows what is best for us. A man who advocates against my right and my ability to make a decision for myself. Am I talking about *gasp* abortion here? Yeah, that and other things. That man is never going to meet me, let alone see my vagina. Who is he to tell me what to do with it? Maybe I'll introduce him to every woman's friend - the coat hanger. Or maybe I won't have to because a nation full of women who will go uncared for and over "protected" through health care, education and drug testing - more than just abortion - will do it for me. Did you know that there was a southern state recently trying to pass legislation against female genital piercings? They said it was genital mutilation! If I should decide to have my genitals pierced, that is my decision - not the decision of another rich, white guy who will also never see my vagina. I propose that we pass legislation against male piercings, masturbation and circumcision just to make it all fair!
I don't understand how any black person could vote for Bush, a man who has completely ignored that entire group of Americans, if I may lump and generalize for a brief moment. Not to mention the fact that status quo government (the definition of the man's party) was all for maintaining the status quo even just forty years ago - within my parents' lifetimes. Status quo government saw no problem in segregating schools, spraying people with fire hoses or imprisoning those who enacted change. I suspect that they even turned their back on the crosses burning on lawns and the limp bodies swinging by their necks in the tree neighboring those crosses. Coming back to the present, Bush himself has desecrated MLK Day and shunned the NAACP.
I don't understand how any parent with a child in the school system could vote for Bush. He has made it so difficult for teachers to effectively teach students what they will find most useful. He has made it so difficult for students with learning disabilities. He has made it so difficult for children who are limited in English proficiency. He is limiting students and teachers across the board.
I don't understand what I am doing. I wanted to attend a liberal school, to be surrounded with a forward-moving atmosphere that would be encouraging to me. Here, I am the crazy liberal. I wanted to do something that would enable me to work with youth, to empower them and help them think, grow and change. As a school counselor, I'm learning that most of what I will do will be scheduling changes and that I'll rarely meet with a student for more than a ten-minute session. I wanted to do something empowering for myself, that would help me grow all the time and would constantly introduce me to new people and new ideas. In my field I could actually be introduced to the new idea of bus or cafeteria duty because the roll of the school counselor is widely undefined except in the arena that it is the band-aid position for the rest of the school. I wanted to be able to be politically motivated with the ability to contribute something, if only just a new idea. I feel out of touch with that here.
I don't understand what I want right now, I guess, and I don't understand what I'm saying. I'm afraid of a lot right now and this is just some of it. I thought this was what I wanted, but I don't know if it still is. If anyone out there has a crystal ball or at least a good deck of tarot cards, I'd be much obliged if you could be of some assistance...
I don't understand how someone could vote based on one issue alone, especially when they do not fully understand that issue or are completely ignoring every other issue.
I don't understand how any American student today who has found themself strapped for cash in the last four years could vote for Bush.
I don't understand how any minority (gender, racial, religious...) who cares an inch about history and the fact that their representative group has been denied the right to decide on laws and officials or who cares about their current personal freedoms could sit idly by without voting.
I don't understand how any woman could vote for Bush, a man who thinks he knows what is best for us. A man who advocates against my right and my ability to make a decision for myself. Am I talking about *gasp* abortion here? Yeah, that and other things. That man is never going to meet me, let alone see my vagina. Who is he to tell me what to do with it? Maybe I'll introduce him to every woman's friend - the coat hanger. Or maybe I won't have to because a nation full of women who will go uncared for and over "protected" through health care, education and drug testing - more than just abortion - will do it for me. Did you know that there was a southern state recently trying to pass legislation against female genital piercings? They said it was genital mutilation! If I should decide to have my genitals pierced, that is my decision - not the decision of another rich, white guy who will also never see my vagina. I propose that we pass legislation against male piercings, masturbation and circumcision just to make it all fair!
I don't understand how any black person could vote for Bush, a man who has completely ignored that entire group of Americans, if I may lump and generalize for a brief moment. Not to mention the fact that status quo government (the definition of the man's party) was all for maintaining the status quo even just forty years ago - within my parents' lifetimes. Status quo government saw no problem in segregating schools, spraying people with fire hoses or imprisoning those who enacted change. I suspect that they even turned their back on the crosses burning on lawns and the limp bodies swinging by their necks in the tree neighboring those crosses. Coming back to the present, Bush himself has desecrated MLK Day and shunned the NAACP.
I don't understand how any parent with a child in the school system could vote for Bush. He has made it so difficult for teachers to effectively teach students what they will find most useful. He has made it so difficult for students with learning disabilities. He has made it so difficult for children who are limited in English proficiency. He is limiting students and teachers across the board.
I don't understand what I am doing. I wanted to attend a liberal school, to be surrounded with a forward-moving atmosphere that would be encouraging to me. Here, I am the crazy liberal. I wanted to do something that would enable me to work with youth, to empower them and help them think, grow and change. As a school counselor, I'm learning that most of what I will do will be scheduling changes and that I'll rarely meet with a student for more than a ten-minute session. I wanted to do something empowering for myself, that would help me grow all the time and would constantly introduce me to new people and new ideas. In my field I could actually be introduced to the new idea of bus or cafeteria duty because the roll of the school counselor is widely undefined except in the arena that it is the band-aid position for the rest of the school. I wanted to be able to be politically motivated with the ability to contribute something, if only just a new idea. I feel out of touch with that here.
I don't understand what I want right now, I guess, and I don't understand what I'm saying. I'm afraid of a lot right now and this is just some of it. I thought this was what I wanted, but I don't know if it still is. If anyone out there has a crystal ball or at least a good deck of tarot cards, I'd be much obliged if you could be of some assistance...
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Angry
I am angry. I'm angry much of the time. I hate being away from Kelly. I hate (yes, that's a strong word - I use it purposely) the time we spent apart from each other on a daily basis. I hate it that when one of us has a bad day, the other one isn't there to make it better. I hate it that when one of us has a good day, the other one isn't there to share in it. I hate it that he awoke and dressed himself on the morning of an important job interview and I wasn't there to tell him he looked nice and give him a kiss for confidence. I hate it that he didn't spend my birthday with me. I hate it that he spent Halloween in another state. I hate it that I'm watching the election results right now with my friends and he's watching the election results right now with his friends and we're not watching the election results together.
It makes me furious that we're apart during so many important times and events, things that would be so much better if we were together. I'm furious and I'm depressed and I'm basically miserable every day. I wake up in a bad mood because I'm waking up alone. I can laugh all day long, but at night I'm back to my own bed, which brings me back down. I've been told recently how brave and strong I am because I go out with people on my own. I didn't think it was a big deal because I used to do that all the time, but then I realized that a lot of people don't do that at all when they're dating someone else seriously. I do it mostly as a distraction.
I really hate it that we're going to be apart for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be alone for Thanksgiving. I'll be with Hannah and have received numerous other invites to spend the day with friends, but essentially, I will be alone for the first time on a major holiday.
It also makes me mad that I feel this strongly, that I'm so depressed all the time about this. It makes me feel like I've given in and that I'm dependent upon someone else for my emotional well-being and I hate that.
The truth is, I am fine and would be fine forever here with no one else. The truth is also that I do not want to do that. I want to be with Kelly and I want to invest this time of my life in our relationship. So I've decided to take next semester off. I'm not interested in school right now and I think that's partially to do with my seething anger as much as the fact that I've never taken time off from school in 19 years. I'm going to return to Boise for a few more months and live with Kelly so that we can stop spending important events alone - or at least we can stop spending them without each other. And we can spend some of our engagement time, which has until this point been spent in opposite states, together.
Just as a side note, I AM NOT taking off a semester to "plan my wedding." I've had to explain that to a few people here already and I only made the decision last week. I think that is one of the stupidest, cop-out reasons to take time off from school. Our decision is based on wanting to foster growth in our relationship now, avoid making too many large adjustments in too short of a time next summer, and the fact that it is extremely financially responsible.
It makes me furious that we're apart during so many important times and events, things that would be so much better if we were together. I'm furious and I'm depressed and I'm basically miserable every day. I wake up in a bad mood because I'm waking up alone. I can laugh all day long, but at night I'm back to my own bed, which brings me back down. I've been told recently how brave and strong I am because I go out with people on my own. I didn't think it was a big deal because I used to do that all the time, but then I realized that a lot of people don't do that at all when they're dating someone else seriously. I do it mostly as a distraction.
I really hate it that we're going to be apart for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be alone for Thanksgiving. I'll be with Hannah and have received numerous other invites to spend the day with friends, but essentially, I will be alone for the first time on a major holiday.
It also makes me mad that I feel this strongly, that I'm so depressed all the time about this. It makes me feel like I've given in and that I'm dependent upon someone else for my emotional well-being and I hate that.
The truth is, I am fine and would be fine forever here with no one else. The truth is also that I do not want to do that. I want to be with Kelly and I want to invest this time of my life in our relationship. So I've decided to take next semester off. I'm not interested in school right now and I think that's partially to do with my seething anger as much as the fact that I've never taken time off from school in 19 years. I'm going to return to Boise for a few more months and live with Kelly so that we can stop spending important events alone - or at least we can stop spending them without each other. And we can spend some of our engagement time, which has until this point been spent in opposite states, together.
Just as a side note, I AM NOT taking off a semester to "plan my wedding." I've had to explain that to a few people here already and I only made the decision last week. I think that is one of the stupidest, cop-out reasons to take time off from school. Our decision is based on wanting to foster growth in our relationship now, avoid making too many large adjustments in too short of a time next summer, and the fact that it is extremely financially responsible.
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