Phone Call

I heard from Kelly last night. It really seems as though I haven't heard from him in a very long time, but the reality of the situation is that he only left the morning before. I know that he's really only been gone for two days, but these two days have provided many instances for me to realize exactly how integrated into my life he has become. I can only imagine how the next twelve days will go.

I worry that he doesn't know how strongly I feel the connection between us. Here are some true things about me that I could understand would prompt these fears:

* I typically have no problem detaching myself from a person or situation when it becomes unpleasant.
* Relationships with men for me in the past have been more like flings...Fun for a short time but considerably lacking any sort of emotion or attachment.
* I am accustomed to moving frequently, leaving my friends and people I grew to care about.

It is also true that I have been scared of some aspects of our relationship. Partially because of the afore mentioned reasons but also because of something else - something that I didn't realize until recently. I immediately recognized something in Kelly that I had been looking for and hoping that I would eventually discover in another human being for a very long time. I was scared that perhaps I was just making it up...Like perhaps I wanted it so bad that I was imposing it wherever possible. I was scared that maybe that wasn't the case and that I had actually found it this time but that I would do something to screw it up. In which case, I didn't really want to feel too deeply about him because then I would have to recover after I screwed it up.

I don't think that these are irrational fears if you ask me. However, they somehow don't really bother me any more. Maybe a tiny bit, but nothing paralyzing like before. I have since recognized insances where I could very easily have screwed everything up. And since he is still here (rather than far away like anyone else I've ever dated) I realize that this is real; that it isn't yet another dumb thing that will last a few weeks before fizzling out. I know that I've tried to impose meaning on relationships in the past where meaning didn't belong just because I wanted it to be there. I also know that when those relationships ended it was not entirely my fault. But when I combine those two pieces of knowledge subtracting hindsight bias, experience and personal reflection, it makes it seem to me that I ruin everything.

So even in the two days since he left, yes, I have realized a lot that I'm doing alone again - things that I have begun doing exclusively with him. I told him about this last night. He sounded worried about it. Worried about me realizing the independence I lost in including him in my life, the independence that is such an important part of who I am. The truth of the matter is this...I didn't lose any of that. I am still perfectly able to do what I want on my own. With him around, I have simply chosen to include him on what I do. It has taken me some time to realize this as well because at first I wasn't seeing it as sharing or complimenting. I was trying to see it as giving and taking. That's not what it is. Giving and taking really isn't a part of our relationship at all. We share and include evenly. It is the type of relationship I always hoped I would have.

Even though previous relationships didn't go very well, I am thankful for each of them because they not only made me the person I am, but they made me able to fully appreciate what I now have.