Belonging

Sometimes at school I feel like I don't fit in. Yes, I am still in school. I know I said once here that I was going to drop out, but I was aiming for sarcasm in that post - a sarcasm that was either not met by my readers who (some of them) called me quite concerned or was not reached by my writing. Either way, I am indeed still in school, suffering through the incessant crap. And the point of this post is about that schooling and how I so often don't feel like I belong.

In one class I made it a point early on to be a talker in the class, to volunteer stuff and to make friends with people in that class. This is not my usual class personality. I like to be more reserved in class, responding only when called upon or when I think everyone else is being stupid. I don't tend to make friends in classes or offer advice or opinions early-on. And since I did that in that class, everyone thinks that that's who I am and I don't like that they think that of me. I get the feeling in that class that when I speak, everyone is wishing I wouldn't. Even the professor. I have no way of knowing if it's true or not, but that's the way I perceive it - acceptance out of obligation.

I have another class like that, too. In this class it's like the teacher doesn't talk to me because I've never been in any of his other classes. I feel very separated from everyone else in that class, as though we're all there individually to interact with the professor in our own spheres of learning where he can come and speak to us individually. But I have to listen to his conversations with the other students because he runs out of time before he gets to my learning bubble.

In another class, the teacher does a good job of recognizing everyone, but I wonder sometimes if he would pay more attention to me if I had a penis. Somehow it's like he has a closer, more natural bond to the men in the class. Feeling a better connection is the only thing lacking in that class.

I've never had a semester where I feel such a small sense of belonging or acceptance in my classes. Did I come this semester expecting something different after William & Mary? After counseling classes where I cried in front of my classmates as we counseled each other through the fall semester? Do I expect more from my teachers when they tell me that the best way to teach students is to be friendly with them?

Do my students see me this way? Do they see me as distant? Favoring? It's true, I know some students better than others. But I don't necessarily think that's my fault. Those are the students who email me or hang out in my office from time to time. Those are the students who make more of an effort to get to know me than I get to know them. But to the student who doesn't try, does it look like I don't care? Like I don't care evenly? Like I want some to succeed more than others?