This Thing Called Family

Patri has done a lot of writing on her blog about family. Nothing really recently, but it's on there. You just have to look a little for it. Well I've been thinking about family a lot lately because the group of people in my life I associate that label to is undergoing a massive transformation. I think that "family" is really a concept that should be under constant growth and reconstruction, but I don't think I've ever before in my life been as aware of this as I am now.

I've never been a fan of the label "step," as in "This is my stepmom." Maybe Disney ruined it for me with all those fairy tales of wicked steps, but I don't like it. "Mom," like "aunt" or "cousin" is an obvious family member, and one you can't rightly select. By placing the term "step" in front of it, you are automatically announcing that this person was selected to join your family.

Well I think family, particularly when the members of the family are invited in, can be a subjective reality. If I talk about my stepdad, it offers a distinctly different tone for the listener than if I talk about my mother's husband. That makes him belong to her, obviously laying no claim in my lap.

I also have people who serve as sort of substitute family members. I have friends who are like siblings to me and friends of grandparents who are like aunts and uncles to me. I count them as family and no one in the family would really argue with that.

Well I suppose what gets me thinking about this is the fact that when Kelly and I marry, we will be combining our two families. My siblings are absolutely thrilled that he is going to be their new brother; they've accepted him openly and with enthusiasm. And after we announced our engagement to his parents, his father spoke to me on the phone to welcome me to the family. Sometimes, if I'm feeling particularly sentimental, it still makes me tear up to think that I will actually be a part of that family and that they are so glad for that that they've already welcomed me in. What ties all this together is when Bethany's mom (Bethany who is like a sister to me and her mother who is officially my Denver mom) hugged Kelly and welcomed him to the family. She's a part of my invited family, feeling the same way about Kelly as his dad feels about me.

I suppose the whole importance of families goes back to nomadic times when the family had to stick together and hunt and travel together for survival. I don't think it has changed all that much, though. I think I still need my family - no matter their distance or actual bloodlines - for survival and I know that won't ever change. Expanding that family only makes me stronger and more able to survive.