So many people are right about so many things. Marcy is right about personal change being difficult, like growing pains. Lisa is right about the time between meeting and leaving sometimes being called falling in love. Hannah is right about people just not being comfortable to address the way they really feel. Ani is right about not wanting to live for something I can't even define. Lee is right about people saying nay just for the sake of saying something. Kelly is right about everything being OK.
I don't always know what I'm right about. I find myself just thinking a lot, thinking and wondering and worrying and thinking some more. I change my mind and I play all possible scenarios over in my head so that I'll be prepared. Prepared for what, I don't really know, especially because it never really happens the way I imagine it.
I suppose I know some things. I know I like chocolate pudding. And macaroni and cheese. I don't think I would like them together, though. I know I don't like cold showers. And I don't like uncomfortable shoes. I know I feel calm when I knit and I wish that my fingers didn't cramp up when I knit for hours at a time. I know that I feel overly anxious when I think of myself participating in every other girls' dream wedding. I know that I look forward to receiving phone calls and letters from people I love. I know I have a loud laugh and I love that because I know that people hear it and know I'm happy.
I think I'm at a point in my life where I feel like there are a lot of things I don't know. I'm not talking about school, which may be the obvious answer. I've been asked a lot of questions lately that I just don't have answers for. "Where do you work?" "What do you want your wedding dress to look like?" "What are your plans for this summer?" "Where are you going to live next year?" "How often are you going to go home this semester?" "Where are you going to work when you graduate?" Plus, I still get lost here and I feel like I don't know anybody.
I know this is all stuff I will learn and all stuff that will change the longer I'm here. In the interim, I feel a loss of control over my own situation. I feel like I'm floating on a river without a boat, just trying to stay afloat in my little life preserver. I'm not drowning, nor do I feel panic. I'm just being carried away by the stream when what I would really rather do is stand on my own two feet and walk down the stream on my own volition. I suspect that this stream isn't really as deep as it seems, but that I just need to rediscover my bearings. And when I think about myself feeling so futile in the situation is when I notice all the things that other people know and I just have to remind myself that I know stuff as well.
Sometimes, insects do buzz like airplanes; it's true, like some things are true. But insects can fly themselves away whenever they want and airplanes need people. Airplanes need people like me. I'm not going as far as I can go; I can go much, much more. And that is on my list, a list like a grocery list, something that people make. But some people don't go away. And some people don't come back. I think sometimes people buzz like insects and maybe some people even buzz like airplanes. Sometimes I wish I was able to fly myself around with the ease of an insect, but I guess I'll have to settle for the aid of an airplane. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe we learn more through the aid than we do through the metamorphosis because that way we still have to do it on our own. Maybe with the help of the airplane I will become the insect. I think a lot of people would think it's better to be the airplane than to be the insect, but I think it's better to be the insect. See, people and airplanes each need each other for the ultimate beauty of transportation. Insects provide that on their own. And really, airplanes just want to be insects. Maybe they get to be insects in Airplane Heaven. You know they want to be because insects don't buzz like airplanes...Airplanes buzz like insects.
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