Gripes

I just need to complain for one second. Or for however many seconds it takes me.

Before doing so, however, let me preface the complaints with this: I love where I live and with whom I live. There, I said it.

There are things I dramatically despise about living here. Such as the following:

* I do the dishes most every day. Not a big deal because I don't really mind doing them. However, it seems as though whenever someone else decides to do them, I have to redo most of them because they don't get clean. And, when I set them out to dry, with the mouth of the glass facing down so that the water can drip out of the bottoms of the glasses, someone comes around behind me and turns them right-side-up. I do not understand this behavior.

* From my room, I can hear every noise in the apartment. This is really only a concern in the mornings when I am trying to sleep past, oh, say 8 o'clock and everyone else is up and moving. The noises I am privy to at that hour are cupboards slamming shut, heavy feet running up and down the hallway, a squealing blow dryer, the heavy thudding slam of the front door catching the lock and ice cubes being dropped into large plastic water containers.

* The temperature outside will be around 75 degrees or higher with around 75% humidity, which makes the heat all that much less tolerable. Someone in my apartment thinks it is a good idea to then set the thermostat anywhere from 73-85 degrees.

* I do not have the luxury of walking around naked whenever and wherever I so desire. Ever.

* My bed is a lousy, standard institutional issue, twin bed with a plastic cover, similar to the plastic cover you would place on the bed of your bed-wetting child. I have no idea how many people have slept on my bed in the past, but is high enough of a number to have squeezed any comfort out of it into a soggy mess on the floor, only to be absorbed by the concrete.

* All the furniture is tough, difficult and hard on your back, including all the living room furniture and desk chairs too.

* One of my roommates, I swear, has not progressed in her thinking to realize that she is not an undergrad any more.

Well I think that's all for now. Maybe one of these days I'll make a list of all the reasons I love it here - because I honestly do - but today is just not that day.

Another II

Here is yet another color scheme. I think I like this one a little better. This is per recommendation of my aunt. It may work for a few days, anyway, and hopefully won't cause you to go cross-eyed.

Trellis

That's the name of the restaurant I now work at. Trellis. I went for an interview this afternoon and the guy hired me on the spot. So I guess that I have a job now. Yea, I know I have that whole tutoring thing, but it isn't as cool as they made it out to be. I pretty much have to wait until there are kids who need a tutor before I can tutor them. This makes a ton of sense, I'm sure, but there aren't a whole lot of kids needing help in school right now. That won't happen until later in the semester. Well I don't really want to wait for that. I'm exercising my right to be impatient. So I applied at a restaurant and they hired me. I don't think it was a matter of "Hey, you're awesome, we want you to work here!" as much as it was "Hey, you walked through the door with an application! We want you to work here." So whatever. I start training the day after I come back from Boise, a trip I shall embark on in merely one week from today, incidentally.

Another

Here's a completely different (well, sort of) scheme that I've been playing with. I hope this can disaffirm the fact that anyone may need glasses...Sorry 'bout that. I love the comments on the look, though, and would appreciate some more. And once again, there's stuff about this that I don't really like and will have to play with, so any suggestions are most welcome.

I also wanted to offer a disclaimer about my last post about the shirt. I hate asking for things, so that isn't what it was about. Mostly just an attempt at humor on my part. I may get the shirt for myself eventually because I just think it is cool. By "eventually" I mean that I probably won't because that takes initiative and stuff, which is why it is just easier to publicize my mailing address.

I've noticed that I can always hear wildlife here, even if it is just crickets. I can also always hear the wind blowing through the trees, or at least I can always hear the leaves in the trees moving. This is because there are so many trees. I was explaining this to Patri not too long ago...The reason I still encounter difficulties in navigating around campus is obviously due greatly to the fact that there are too many blasted trees all over the place, hiding the buildings. If the campus wasn't so dang cluttered, I would know where all the buildings are. Americans are known the world over for clearing out trees to construct massive buildings and subdivisions, right? So why does this campus have to be any different? I vote "No" on environmental issues. Clear out this land and get rid of all those pesky plants. Human kind will be better off for it.

I'm only mostly kidding about that.

T-Shirts

These t-shirts are awesome and I want one. Women's style in small, mailed to GSH236, PO Box 8705, Williamsburg, VA 23187. Thank you.

It's Here

Well I mentioned not too long ago that I've been playing around with my blog appearance. Have been for about a month or so, but haven't decided to do anything about it until just now. I want to know what you think. I'm not too fond of this as it is, so don't worry about insulting me because it won't happen. Just let me know honestly what sucks. Or you can tell me what you do like if that happens to be the case. If you aren't planning on commenting because you think I won't want your opinion, you're lying to yourself.

Existentialism

There was an activity in my theories of counseling text book reading for today that I wanted to put on here. I think you should try it.

Review the following list of values. Place a checkmark by all of the values that are important to you. Then review the values that you have checked and list, in priority order, the three that are most important to you.

Achievement
Beauty
Career success
Child rearing
Creativity
Fame
Friendship
Health and fitness
Helping others
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Nature/outdoors activities
Order
Possessions
Power
Prestige and admiration
Security
Variety
Wealth

When I first went through the list, I checked these:

Achievement
Beauty
Career success
Child rearing
Creativity
Friendship
Health and fitness
Helping others
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Order
Security
Variety

From those I narrowed it down to:

Achievement
Friendship
Independence
Learning and knowledge
Love and romance
Order

I was able to take it down to these few because I see some things as taking care of other things. Ultimately, I view achievement as taking care of most things and as far as this particular list is concerned, I would consider myself as having achieved if I have independence and knowledge. Love and friendship were difficult for me to debate between but ultimately I decided that if I could love someone they were most likely going to be close to me and therefore a friend. Order holds everything up. And so, here is my final list, in 1-2-3 sequence:

Order
Achievement
Love and romance

I would love to know your top three.

Changes

I've made some changes on my to do list. First of all, I have removed the item "knit myself a purse" because it is done. I plan on procuring for myself a digital camera long enough to take a photograph of said purse so that I may post said photograph on my blog for the world to see. I think it turned out rather well, but I'm biased. I also removed the line item "run a 5K" and replaced it with "become an aerobics instructor" because I've decided that running, while good excercise and a good time, isn't nearly as enjoyable to me as aerobics. This is why I will start training to be an aerobics instructor next week. I think I changed something else on there too, but at this point I can't remember what.

I'm thinking about changing the appearance of my blog. On my computer it looks pink and I don't know that I'm a huge fan of that. I've never really been a huge fan of that. Not because I don't like pink (because I do), but just because it is supposed to be more of an orange-peach color.

I've realized that there have been a lot of huge changes in my life in the last year. Perhaps an on-looker could aptly tell me "DUH" at that statement, but looking from the inside out, I just guess I don't realize it.

I still don't think of myself as officially "grown up." I think I know why. I figured out for my sister Janessa recently that I am beginning my 20th consecutive year of school this semester. I am 23 years old, doing the same activity every day that I have been doing since I was four years old. I love school, don't get me wrong, and the school I'm doing today is a far cry from the school I did 20 years ago, but it is still the same basic activity. I'm really preparing myself for that to change as well. I look forward to not having homework and having work clothes that look professional and match my stylish selection of dress shoes and adorning myself each morning in this attire before taking myself to the building that houses my career - that which I have spent approximately 90% of my life in preparation for. I think that's what Paul meant in that part in the Bible where he's talking about being a child and doing childish things but doing adult things as an adult. Paul changed his activities to match his age. I'd be willing to wager that he didn't go to school for 20 years, which is why he was able to call himself an adult. So much of my life is still dictated by school, the same way it was when I was 15 and the same way it was when I was seven. I don't regret going to school and I can't say that I won't ever go back to school, but, well, I'm just saying.

There will come a time for change and I will appreciate it when it comes.

Control

I feel like I haven't talked about anything of real value or interest here lately, so I'm going to talk about something different, something I haven't talked about on here ever. This may be something that some readers won't care to read about (read: parental-type folks) but that's all right. I'm bored with the "safe" topics.

So I'm going to go on birth control again. It's funny to me that I say "again" because, even though I've been on it before, I've never been on it to control birth. Or, more accurately, to prevent pregnancy. That's what they should really call it...Pregnancy prevention pills. That makes much more sense, really, because you aren't controlling birth, per se, and the pregnancy comes before the actual birth. It could be abbreviated to something like 3P. Well, should it catch on, just you remember...You heard it here first.

So anyway, I was on it before because my whole menstrual cycle was, well, not cycling. It was more like stalling and rolling over into ditches and then speeding wrecklessly down the highway at unannounced intervals. The doctor thought it would be fixed if I was on 3P for a few months. That didn't work so we tried it again. That still didn't work so we tried it a third time. I mean, it would work as long as I was taking 3P, but as soon as I quit taking it, my body decided to do it's own version of a non-cycle. That's when I decided that I'd had enough of the hormone/side effects roller coaster.

After that I saw another doctor who put me on anti-3P. Fertility drugs, really. She told me that if I had sex while on them, I would most likely get pregnant. I proved her wrong. That isn't the point. The point is that it was the same story as when I was taking 3P; it worked until I was off of it and then it was like I had never taken it in the first place.

I decided then that I was really done. I was done putting all these false chemicals and hormones into my system when they really weren't doing anything they were supposed to. Plus, I experienced some odd side effects. While on 3P, I gained weight, got stressed out easier and eventually drove myself insane with worrying about my body image, which I attribute to a combination of the first two. While on anti-3P, I lost weight and my hair grew like crazy. Plus, they both just made me act differently. I swore off synthetic stuff like that because I really felt as though they were poisoning my system. And since I've stopped them altogether, my body has begun performing the way it is supposed to. No more insane non-cycle. Instead, it's steady and nice. Friendly, even.

But I have since reconsidered that decision. Why exactly, I don't know...Lots of reasons, I suppose. I think it has been a real wake-up call that I have so many friends right now who are pregnant. Three, I think. Maybe four. That's really a lot, when you consider the fact that I haven't ever had a close friend be pregnant before. And as a side note, I think they should all name their children after me.

I think that it was less of a deal for me to subscribe to monthly editions of 3P because I was having (here comes the more personal part) random, infrequent sex with people I didn't care about. Well, let's just say that that's changed now. Since moving to Virginia, I don't have sex at all. Which is why I'm now concerned about preventing pregnancy. (Read between the lines and that will all make sense...) Sure, there are other ways to go about doing that, but nothing else is as effective, so really it would be a good idea. Plus, I think that I will be going into it older and with a different body now, which may make a big difference. Additionally, I'll be going into it with a different purpose and a different mindset.

So I've made an appointment with the campus health center and I'll be taking care of this right away. If you've made it this far in my post, congratulations, for now you know a little bit about me that I'll bet you didn't think you would ever know. And for some of you, you probably already know all of this five times over. Sometimes it is good to blur the lines between close friends and complete strangers.

By the way, my mom is the best mom in the whole world and I love her more that anyone else ever will. All I have for her is a million thanks covered in cute, pink hearts and white daisies.

Two Things

Two things have happened so far today.

First of all, the weather here has turned to autumn weather and it is superb. When Kat and I were leaving our apartment this morning, she questioned the fact that I was leaving sans a sweater, as she dutifully sported her W&M pullover. I plainly told her that I would in fact not get cold today. While at the grocery store, the woman behind me was discussing with the woman behind her how she needed to bundle her baby up in this chilly, chilly weather. It is still in the seventies...

Secondly, I reprogrammed the radio stations in my car. I was very reluctant to do so because I really liked where my Boise stations were, but while driving this morning I realized that it will be years until my car is in Boise again. So I changed them. I doubt I will like where they are, but alas, they are no longer on Boise stations.

Dreams

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. When I have a night full of these, I have a difficult time waking up in the morning. It's almost like my brain has a tough time convincing itself that it is living in reality again, probably because it spent all night trying to decide what exactly was real and what was figmented.

Dreams lately have included a lot of random things. Two nights ago I dreamt I was pregnant. Last night I dreamt I was visiting Kelly at work. The only reason I was able to figure out that it wasn't real was because his office was in a house near my grandmother's house. I also dreamt last night that I was a third grade teacher but my classroom was in Hannah's bedroom and Hannah lived with my mom. Throughout these dreams, no matter how odd the situation, I can wake up knowing that what just happened was real. I woke up after dreaming about Kelly and was startled to find that he wasn't here with me because in the dream I could feel him and smell him as real as if he actually was here and I was awake. And in some of the dreams I will have discussions and debates with other people in the dream, trying to decide if this is a dream or not. It is exhausting.

If anyone knows some good dream resources, like websites or books, please share them with me. I know that dreams this lucid are rare, especially when they happen so frequently, so I would like to read some research about the phenomenon.

News

I got a job. It's with a company that does private tutoring and it's something that may actually provide me with some teaching opportunities. This should prove to be a very good thing.

I babysat today. She told me he was a year old, but I don't believe her. I don't believe her because he doesn't do things that a year old child should do, for one, and for two, I believe I remember hearing her say that he was born in November. This kid freaks out if he's left alone in the room, he doesn't walk, doesn't stand, doesn't crawl and is barely scooting. He doesn't even sit upright when I'm holding him. He's a very well behaved baby, but I'm afraid he has too much continual exposure to the television from his chair or swing. The kid can't even clap. By the time I'm done with him, he'll be sprinting through marathons, doing long division and speaking Chinese, just you watch.

continued...

I just reread my last post on family and I have something to add. I see the term "in-law" as being very similar to "step," but I don't feel the same way about it. As in, I don't dislike the term. I do, however, wonder where it came from and how it came into existence because inherently it doesn't make all that much sense ("step" doesn't, either). I also greatly dislike the social connotation of that word because it is so negative. People complain all the time about their lousy in-laws. Here's something I don't completely understand...Why would you marry someone if you didn't like their family? They are inevitably influenced and therefore at least on some degree a product of their family. So do you complain about your spouse as frequently as you complain about your spouse's family? I should hope not because that is an unhealthy relationship. Just for the record, I love Kelly's family, so you know I'm not talking about myself here. Just random people I know...

On a completely unrelated note, I've become quite fond of overusing adverbs in my colloquial writing lately. Blah. I'm disappointed in myself for that.

This Thing Called Family

Patri has done a lot of writing on her blog about family. Nothing really recently, but it's on there. You just have to look a little for it. Well I've been thinking about family a lot lately because the group of people in my life I associate that label to is undergoing a massive transformation. I think that "family" is really a concept that should be under constant growth and reconstruction, but I don't think I've ever before in my life been as aware of this as I am now.

I've never been a fan of the label "step," as in "This is my stepmom." Maybe Disney ruined it for me with all those fairy tales of wicked steps, but I don't like it. "Mom," like "aunt" or "cousin" is an obvious family member, and one you can't rightly select. By placing the term "step" in front of it, you are automatically announcing that this person was selected to join your family.

Well I think family, particularly when the members of the family are invited in, can be a subjective reality. If I talk about my stepdad, it offers a distinctly different tone for the listener than if I talk about my mother's husband. That makes him belong to her, obviously laying no claim in my lap.

I also have people who serve as sort of substitute family members. I have friends who are like siblings to me and friends of grandparents who are like aunts and uncles to me. I count them as family and no one in the family would really argue with that.

Well I suppose what gets me thinking about this is the fact that when Kelly and I marry, we will be combining our two families. My siblings are absolutely thrilled that he is going to be their new brother; they've accepted him openly and with enthusiasm. And after we announced our engagement to his parents, his father spoke to me on the phone to welcome me to the family. Sometimes, if I'm feeling particularly sentimental, it still makes me tear up to think that I will actually be a part of that family and that they are so glad for that that they've already welcomed me in. What ties all this together is when Bethany's mom (Bethany who is like a sister to me and her mother who is officially my Denver mom) hugged Kelly and welcomed him to the family. She's a part of my invited family, feeling the same way about Kelly as his dad feels about me.

I suppose the whole importance of families goes back to nomadic times when the family had to stick together and hunt and travel together for survival. I don't think it has changed all that much, though. I think I still need my family - no matter their distance or actual bloodlines - for survival and I know that won't ever change. Expanding that family only makes me stronger and more able to survive.

Decisions II

* I like listening to soulful music.

* Virginia is a beautiful state.

* The most efficient Barnes and Noble employee works here in Williamsburg.

* I like having pictures of people I care about.

* Knitting your own purse takes a long time.

* I'm currently in the worst financial situation of my life.

* Spilling ranch dressing on your shirt is a bad idea.

* Coffee is yummy.

* I miss dancing.

* In my next life, I should become a professional dancer rather than go to school.

* I have to leave for class in 20 minutes.

I'm An Angel

You're a "Pink Angel." Now, just because it may be a little bit of a feminine color doesn't mean you're all girly and whiney. You're very selfless and love to bring good news to people because you like seeing people happy. You have better manners than most and people love how polite you can be. Your friends love that they hardley ever get in arguments with you and can barely get mad at you! Your friends and family mean so much to you and it takes more than a fight to break you away from them.

Even Insects Buzz Like Airplanes

So many people are right about so many things. Marcy is right about personal change being difficult, like growing pains. Lisa is right about the time between meeting and leaving sometimes being called falling in love. Hannah is right about people just not being comfortable to address the way they really feel. Ani is right about not wanting to live for something I can't even define. Lee is right about people saying nay just for the sake of saying something. Kelly is right about everything being OK.

I don't always know what I'm right about. I find myself just thinking a lot, thinking and wondering and worrying and thinking some more. I change my mind and I play all possible scenarios over in my head so that I'll be prepared. Prepared for what, I don't really know, especially because it never really happens the way I imagine it.

I suppose I know some things. I know I like chocolate pudding. And macaroni and cheese. I don't think I would like them together, though. I know I don't like cold showers. And I don't like uncomfortable shoes. I know I feel calm when I knit and I wish that my fingers didn't cramp up when I knit for hours at a time. I know that I feel overly anxious when I think of myself participating in every other girls' dream wedding. I know that I look forward to receiving phone calls and letters from people I love. I know I have a loud laugh and I love that because I know that people hear it and know I'm happy.

I think I'm at a point in my life where I feel like there are a lot of things I don't know. I'm not talking about school, which may be the obvious answer. I've been asked a lot of questions lately that I just don't have answers for. "Where do you work?" "What do you want your wedding dress to look like?" "What are your plans for this summer?" "Where are you going to live next year?" "How often are you going to go home this semester?" "Where are you going to work when you graduate?" Plus, I still get lost here and I feel like I don't know anybody.

I know this is all stuff I will learn and all stuff that will change the longer I'm here. In the interim, I feel a loss of control over my own situation. I feel like I'm floating on a river without a boat, just trying to stay afloat in my little life preserver. I'm not drowning, nor do I feel panic. I'm just being carried away by the stream when what I would really rather do is stand on my own two feet and walk down the stream on my own volition. I suspect that this stream isn't really as deep as it seems, but that I just need to rediscover my bearings. And when I think about myself feeling so futile in the situation is when I notice all the things that other people know and I just have to remind myself that I know stuff as well.

Sometimes, insects do buzz like airplanes; it's true, like some things are true. But insects can fly themselves away whenever they want and airplanes need people. Airplanes need people like me. I'm not going as far as I can go; I can go much, much more. And that is on my list, a list like a grocery list, something that people make. But some people don't go away. And some people don't come back. I think sometimes people buzz like insects and maybe some people even buzz like airplanes. Sometimes I wish I was able to fly myself around with the ease of an insect, but I guess I'll have to settle for the aid of an airplane. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe we learn more through the aid than we do through the metamorphosis because that way we still have to do it on our own. Maybe with the help of the airplane I will become the insect. I think a lot of people would think it's better to be the airplane than to be the insect, but I think it's better to be the insect. See, people and airplanes each need each other for the ultimate beauty of transportation. Insects provide that on their own. And really, airplanes just want to be insects. Maybe they get to be insects in Airplane Heaven. You know they want to be because insects don't buzz like airplanes...Airplanes buzz like insects.

I Hate Textbooks

I have about 100 pages of textbook reading to do today and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with it because my reading comprehension skills equal those of a dyslexic third grader diagnosed with ADD. As you may very well imagine, this makes textbook reading incredibly difficult for me.

Differences In Opinion

I have met many women in the last two weeks or so whose significant others are in the military - primarily the Navy - because this region has a massive naval base full of people coming in from and going out to sea. This is something that has sparked many conversations about long-distance relationships, which is something we're dealing with at the same time. We all have one thing in common and that is that some days are harder than others. I've heard them talking about it from one extreme of being depressed for the entire time he's gone to saying that it really isn't that bad. Well I think that I'm somewhere in the middle, which is probably the best place, I think. That doesn't make it any easier, though. Especially on days when it is just a little bit harder.

If anyone feels benevolent enough to purchase plane tickets for either of us each weekend you can rest assured that we would both be eternally grateful.

September 3, 2004

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday, so that means that as of today I am officially older. Older than what, I don't know. I'm not older than dirt yet, but I am older than Nintendo 64. But then again, I guess I've always been older than Nintendo 64.

I really had a great day yesterday. My roommate Hannah took me out to breakfast with another girl from her program who's birthday was yesterday as well. Last night a big group of us girls went to a local restaurant called Aromas and had tapas and fondue and yummy desserts. It was the first time all of my roommates and I have ever done anything together, so that was cool. Afterwards a couple of us went out for a drink at this Mexican restaurant with Polish waitresses where a bunch of students from the law school were partying. It was fun, but we were tired so we didn't stay long.

All in all, it was a terrific birthday. Thank you to EVERYONE who made it possible. Thank you for the phone calls, cards, packages, text messages and emails. I don't think I've ever had this many people remember my birthday and alert me to the fact that they cared that it was my birthday. It may sound cynical, but it is true. So thank you all for loving me. I love you, too!

In other news...I have a job interview next Wednesday...

New Feature

I've added a new feature here entitled "things for me to do" or something like that. This area is for me to list the things that I eventually would like to do. Well, no, not eventually, but in the very near future. As in within a few months or so. If anything else pops up, I'll add it and when I accomplish something I'll remove or change it on the list and then write a post about it. And for anyone who loves keeping me on task and motivated, please feel free to ask about my progress on any of these items at any time.

Goodness

If you have a good sense of political humor and wish to exercise it, click here.

Or if you have an opinion on abortion, click here.

Or if you want to see an Ani Difranco reference, click here.

They're all the same link but I'm trying to cover my bases because this is that good.

Decisions

I have made some decisions lately. Allow me to fill you in...

* It is a bad idea to play with my nose ring to the point of it coming out. Putting it back in is neither fun nor easy.

* Stargazer lillies, even though they are amazingly beautiful, smell like poison.

* This is the right school and program for me.

* I don't just miss a few select people at home, I miss EVERYONE. If you think, "Yeah, she knew me, but there's no way she misses me," you're wrong. I do.

* Sleeping on a twin bed isn't all it's cracked up to be.

* Knitting is a much better distraction from schoolwork than online puzzle games, if only because it is more productive.

* Running really can be a good time.

* People in Williamsburg have incorrectly labeled Williamsburg a "college town" as it has no bars and/or tattoo/body piercing locations.

* I have severe feelings of dislike for my desk chair.

* Even people who at first seem quite exciting can turn out to be severely mild mannered and much too naive to notice.

* Lisa Loeb is the greatest singer/songwriter ever.

* Peanut butter and banana milkshakes are the best kind of milkshakes, as well as being good for breakfast occasionally.

* I won't die if I do not eat meat.

* I love how cell phone companies offer free night and weekend minutes because then I can time it right and talk to the people I love and miss all I want.

* Humidity is bad.

* Sharing is good.

* I love when people make comments on my blog so that I know they're reading it.

* Mail, email, phone calls and text messages all make me very happy as well. Basically, any sort of contact with people is great - especially when those people are far away and are contacting me to let me know they still remember me.

* Some people in Colonial Williamsburg take their job as a historical representative far too seriously.

* I need to end my list so that I can do some school work.