I Hate Rhetorical Questions

Why do you think I hate rhetorical questions?

Ah! Because they're STUPID!

Asking a rhetorical question is a pointless activity. You gain no information or clout in asking a rhetorical question. They are a complete waste of language!

I had a professor in Virginia who's theory of death was that everyone was allotted a certain number of syllables to utter before they died. For this reason, he advocated that people say things like "empathic" rather than "empathetic" and "doctoral" rather than "doctorial." I think his theory was more tongue-in-cheek than honest-to-god, but just think...if it's true...then all those people who waste my time with rhetorical questions WILL DIE THAT MUCH SOONER!

The only benefit I can see in asking a rhetorical question is that the asker makes himself feel superior and more intelligent than the person he asks. But that is only good for the asker, and only on a superfical level. In actuality, the person being asked feels inadequate, stupid and put down while the boastful asker appears selfish and arrogant. The asker only finds this to be a good thing because he obviously has an identity or self-esteem complex.

And writing with rhetorical questions! Aaaaaaa! If I have to read another paper from one of my students with a rhetorical question...I may just poke myself in the eyeball with a toothpick! It would definitely be more enjoyable! I find these examples and more all the time: "And what do you think she did about that?" "How long do you suppose he spent in the hospital?" "Can you believe she has never even been kissed?" I'm going out of my mind!

I want to purpose an amendment to the Constitution outlawing the use of rhetorical questions everywhere. We can grant foreigners citizenship status based on their ability to write a two-page paper without using a single rhetorical question. In grade school, children can be taught only one type of question: a good kind. They will be taught the criteria of a good question and told that if a question does not fit ALL those criteria then it is crap and they should not use it. We can structure death penalty laws around the number of rhetorical questions a human uses in a lifetime. I grant everyone three, just because I think it is acceptable and understandable that people make mistakes. Those count for writing, too. Which means that many members of my class would have been electrocuted after turning in their first essay. (I suppose that's just fewer essays for me to grade.)

So electronically sign your name below and forward this on to everyone in your address book. If you don't, you will be struck by lightening tomorrow but if you do, you will probably win the lottery or have all your wildest dreams come true.