Comments

I miss hearing everyone's comments. For so long people were commenting and responding to everyone else and now that is gone and I miss it. I hope Virginia hasn't made me that boring. *sigh* I'm not whining or begging, just letting you know that I miss hearing from you...

Work

I'm getting ready to leave for work. My hair is all pulled up and my make-up is applied. I'm wearing my black shirt, bra, socks, pants and panties. Usually I wear black eyeliner, too, but today I decided to be exciting and wear purple. I didn't hate waitressing yesterday as much as I hated it last Sunday, so that's at least positive. I don't think I'm as horrible of a waitress this weekend.

I've decided that I like people but I hate the other stuff I have to do to get to work with people. At the bank, I hated the money. At Trellis, I hate the food. I have been worrying about food for myself my entire life, really. If I don't eat it, I die. So one eating disorder and myriad palate changes later, I don't really care all that much what other people have and if they want more to drink. I really want to tell them, "I'm not here to wait on you. You know where the kitchen is, get it yourself." But the truth of the matter is that I really am there to wait on them. And that frustrates me. This is neither a fun nor stimulating job and is really nothing I can honestly take seriously. My honest thought at this point is that if I do something that they don't like and they decide to fire me, I would care less about that than I've ever cared about anything in my entire life.

Total Riot

When I was in Seattle a year ago this September I picked up a zine called "Total Riot" by some girl I don't know. I really enjoyed reading this zine but haven't picked it up again until today. I mean, it's only about 18 half-pages long, so it isn't like it holds a plethora of attention-grabbing material for me, but I was perusing it today and came across something that made me think.

The author had made a list of what "love" is. Included in her list are things like (these are her words, errors and all) "sticking out my tongue at the police from the cafe window. lalala! you can't see me!" and "watching prettie people pass by" and "having somebody tell me that they want to put me into a chinese take-out box. and take me home." One of them was this: "having someone to miss."

I think that resonates with me particularly right now because there are so many people I miss in Boise - old people, as in old in my life - and so many more I'm going to miss soon - new people, as in new in my life. At first it doesn't seem right that you have to love someone to miss them, but I guess that how much you miss them is in a way correlational to how much you love them. I wouldn't miss anyone at all if I didn't love them. So I guess that yeah, love is having someone to miss.

I Never Thought

Kelly and I had planned on the fact that being separated would be difficult, but I honestly never thought it would be this difficult.

Really, though, I should have known better.

A few weeks after we started dating, we each took a weekend trip and were separated for an absurd amount of time. Like a day and a half. Waiting for him at the airport was the longest 20 minutes of my life, especially since his plane was late. I was so scared of so many things...Would he be excited to see me? Did he miss me too? Would I recognize him? (It sounds silly, but most fears usually are.) Would he EVER get off the airplane? When we saw each other there was a burst of joy within me. We connected, he dropped his suitcase to hold me instead and we kissed and kissed as though to make up for the previous two days right at that moment. At that moment I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be away from him for any longer.

But I have been. I've been away from him for much longer. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Now I count the days until my next burst of joy. Now I'm scared of other things. This needs to end. For my sanity, this needs to end.

Alone: Day One

I was on my own for the first time as a server today and I think it went rather well. I had a small section of three tables so aside from forgetting bread a few times, I was able to stay on top of everything. My first table of the day was a couple who became angry that their food was taking so long. The manager explained to them that it wasn't anything that I did, but that their order for whatever reason just never showed up in the kitchen. Odd. But they were furious so they just paid for their drinks (2 rummers and a vodka martini at noon) and left. The funny thing is that they were yelling at Cara about having to wait an hour and a half, but then she informed them that they had only been there for about 45 minutes because of a)the time the restaurant opened and b)the time on my copy of their food order. So then it became a huge joke with everyone in the restaurant that everyone and everything was taking an hour and a half and we were all laughing about it. Cara was really great with them, trying to calm them down, and also with me, making sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault and that I wasn't upset about it. Jared, one of the bussers, talked to me in the kitchen right afterward and just gave me a little "Go A--" pep talk. I really was fine, but I thought it was super nice anyway and made sure to thank him for his encouragement.

After that, the day went just fine. I did have my first spill today. I spilled some iced tea all over my tray and in the bowl of tomato bisque soup. I didn't imagine that would have been a tasty combination, so I had to start all over on that tray. No big deal - I was still in the kitchen when it happened and no one even noticed. Plus, nothing broke, so I guess that means I still win.

All in all, I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the whole waiting tables thing. I have another small section tomorrow, which is good because I don't think I'm ready for anything more just yet. I'm really not in any rush, so I just want to take this slow and make sure that I know what I'm doing before I do any more.

I just want to say something about the people I work with while I'm thinking about it. No matter how much I may end up hating this job, I will just be amazed at the dynamics of the people at this place. Maybe this is true for other restaurants as well...I don't know. I just see these people from all sorts of backgrounds and they come together and have a good time catering to other people's appetites. We walk briskly through the kitchen shouting out things like "Excuse me, ma'am" and "Right behind you, sir" with Pleases and Thank yous flying all over the place. We hold the doors for each other, help each other loading trays and bring extras of items from the back in anticipation that someone else will be able to use them. We know when someone is having a bad day (or a first day) and make sure to inquire and encourage through the shift. I spent time really appreciating that during my second shift last Saturday, as I noticed the sheer beauty of everyone working and cooperating in what appeared to me to be a seemless fashion. It is just amazing to me, that's all. And regardless of how anything turns out, I'm glad to be a part of it for now.

Tips

I decided that since I work at a restaurant now, I wanted to learn how I can maximize the tips I will be receiving, so I found a web site that offers methods to increase tips that have been scientifically tested and are backed up by statistics. And I figure that if statistics are involved then things just must be true. Yea, well, the site is cool in general, but if you wait tables (or some day aspire to such a stimulating and rewarding position), you should definitely check it out.

My To Do List

I don't mean to brag, but, um, I'm going to.

I wrote a "To Do" list today and here's what it contained:

laundry
aerobics at 6:20
email Jenny
send mail
buy new black tennis shoes for work
balance checkbook
read and respond for group
write techniques response
start reading for Monday
look over menu
look in VA book for activities
call health clinic
buy soap
buy tampons

And now, at the end of my day, here are the only things that remain on my list:

start reading for Monday
look over menu
look in VA book for activities
call health clinic

Now, I did not call the health clinic for a very good reason and that is because I had to get some things in order before calling them, so I plan to call them in the morning. I did not look for VA activities, but I did get my book out and flip through it to see how it is organized. Plus, I don't really need to have anything picked out of there for another two weeks at least. I don't feel bad about not reading for Monday since today is only Wednesday. And I'm getting ready to read over the menu for work tomorrow right now!

I feel so accomplished!

Oh, and by the way...I promise to start writing about interesting things - perhaps even things of substance - soon...Instead of the ho-hum bland things of my day-to-day existence, such as my "To Do" list.

The Un-Perm

I sat in my bathtub tonight squeezing the contents of the little white bottle all over my hair and combing it through to the ends. The chemicals dripped all over my naked body as I waited the ten minutes it took to complete the transformation process. As usual, a handful of wet hair gathered about me through the combing process and entwined itself across my fingers, clinging to my arms and the sides of the tub. Next to me on the bath mat were the tools of the trade: hair clips, a mirror, an extra comb, scissors and the empty box.

Finally the wait was up. I stood, closed the curtain, and rinsed my hair in lukewarm water for three minutes. It felt coarse like straw and I was unimpressed.

After the three minutes I emptied the contents of bottle number two onto my head and combed through my straw-hair for five minutes. My hair began to feel less like straw. Then I rinsed again under lukewarm water, rinsed conditioner through my hair, turned off the water and cleaned up my mess of hair and emptied containers and hair clips.

I now have straight hair.

Delay

I have about a billion hours of homework to do but only about seven hours to complete it between tonight and tomorrow night. Therefore, I felt the need to do something other than homework. Which is why I'm writing on my blog.

On a happy note, I think I'm thought of as cool by some of the cool guys at work. They were joking around with me and I was joking back and they were laughing, which I take as a good sign. Plus, I was making "Zoolander" jokes with them and quoting the characters. It's always nice to be generally liked. I like that I can hold my own in situations. I find that it is easier to bond with guys like that, anyway. Girls are touchy and don't usually make an effort early on because they have to sit and have a conversation before they can think you're cool. Guys are so much easier.

White Privilege

We recently read an article for group therapy on white privilege and had to post our thoughts and responses to it. I posted last week as assigned, but went back tonight and reread the article and the responses from my classmates and discovered that I was incensed because the majority of them completely misunderstood the whole point of the article. So I posted again. I hope some of them read it. I'm going to post it here for you to read, just because I think that it has been far too long since I've posted anything here that would lead you to think that I have half a brain. Basically, here's the premise. The author was saying that inherent in the American system is white privilege, which whites are, for the most part, oblivious to, and that to enact systemic change, more whites need to be consciously aware of that fact. People in my class thought apparently that she was speaking directly to them, calling them racist because they're white (nowhere in the piece does she say "If you're white, you're racist"), and blaming them for the state of things. They got angry. Then they felt guilty. Then the one guy in class (who admitted to not understanding the article or the big words in the article) commented that since she started off by talking about male privilege, that he thought she would say in the end that she understood and felt almost sympathetic to the construct. (Incidentally, here are the difficult words I found in the article: taxonomy, differentiated, meritocracy, conferring and unsought. Not even all of those are difficult, but I do think that they are above a fifth grade reading level.) I didn't even get through all the important points I wanted to, but that's all right. I think this is fuel enough...for now.

***

I've gone through this article again as well as responses from my classmates and at the risk of beating a dead horse or just pissing someone off, I want to comment once more on the topic.

First of all, it astonished me how many people expressed anger with the article. The entire purpose of the article, in my opinion, was to bring awareness to a group that is seldom forced to be aware - not to embitter. I think that so many people becoming upset about the topic reinforces exactly what McIntosh said about whites being oblivious to their privilege. But ah, something else first...

McIntosh defines privilege as a "favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck" (2) and nothing more. Nowhere that I could find through the article does McIntosh declare that because Caucasians are privileged, they are, as a whole, also minority-hating racists. I believe the following paragraph sums it up nicely:

It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness
about male advantage, is kept strongly incluturated in the United States so as
to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is
equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of
confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those
in power, and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have
most of it already. (4)

Indeed, she is not stating that whites are born and bred to be racist, simply that America's system of privilege is so ingrained and so deeply rooted that it is invisible even to those who control it and whom it benefits. These "invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance" (4) are not merely the system of racism. Rather, they are the myriad systems that surround and drive American society, such as government, education and the workforce, to name a few. These systems are all intertwined and mingle with each other, so much so that they are virtually indistinguishable in many aspects.

For instance, let us consider for a moment the poor white man and the rich black man. The question is posed: Who is more powerful? To many, it appears obvious that the rich man, regardless of race, will be seen as more powerful. To others, it appears obvious that the white man, regardless of socio-economic status, will be seen as more powerful. The truth is that these two men will most likely not come into contact with each other unless deemed necessary by their situation, in which case the situation will determine who is more powerful. If the rich, black man breaks down in front of the poor, white man's farm, he is at the mercy of the white man's assistance (assuming he has no outside immediate resources). On the flip side, the poor, white man could be the employee of the rich, black man, answering his commands based simply on employment status. In each instance, issues of class and race are apparent, but they are dictated by extraneous factors.

But this all deals more with power than with privilege, which was McIntosh's focus. When examining this article it does appear that McIntosh is generalizing American whites when what she is doing is stating facts about America's majority culture. It is true that when a white person walks into the store to purchase a doll, that person will easily be able to find a doll representing their own race. It is true that any white person can easily find white people spoken about in history books. These are not personal attacks at the reader, but merely true statements about the treatment of the white race in America. Yes, they are generalizations. Yes, they are broad statements. No, they are not meant to anger individuals. The fact that someone could assume the author created this list for them personally - arrogance aside - completely reinforces and upholds McIntosh's argument about white oblivion.

These statements were meant to be seen on a broad spectrum.

As McIntosh states, "Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable" (1). She in no way demands a feeling of guilt from her readers. She does not blame, she does not present an air of defensiveness, she does not scold. All she merely does is report what happens to be true about the majority race in America. I suspect that she presents hard facts in her full paper, exerpts that were undoubtedly left out of this small selection.

Finally, I was shocked to read that the author was expected to have a better understanding of male privilege through the article entitled "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack." Male privilege is exactly what promoted her to begin thinking about white privilege in the first place. It is not the place of the minority, as women have historically been, to be sympathetic of the majority cause. The minority need not be simple and complacent while the majority continues to reinforce its superiority without fault. To think that she needs to be understanding of male privilege indicates a sincere oblivion not only to the tenants brought forth in this article, but to American life in general.

For further reading on the interconnectedness of race, class and gender, I highly recommend Audre Lorde's The Cancer Journals.

My New Job

I had my first real day working at a restaurant today. I followed a busser around all day named Eric. He spent most of his down time flirting with one of the hostesses and most of the instruction time mumbling to me. It was pretty easy so I just stopped following him around and started doing my own thing. I'm glad that I was able to do that because he gave minimal instruction. I really enjoyed it, but my feet are hurting. It has been a year and a half since I've had a job on my feet, so that's going to take a while to get used to.

Stuff

* I decided to play with the colors again. See, when I was home, I viewed my blog on a "real" screen. By "real" I mean not a laptop. Well the color scheme was vastly different from what I see here in the ersatz reality my laptop offers. So now it is different. Hmmm...I wonder how long this will last...

* Tera commented that I had a link for a t-shirt that didn't actually work. I think that's a bummer because the link works for me. It was basically a shot to www.knittersagainstbush.com, which has the coveted t-shirt at the bottom of the page. It's so close to the dang election now, though, that I doubt I would get the shirt in time, so that's no fun. If, however, that silly man should be reappointed to the presidency, that shirt must be mine. I will wear it proudly.

* The little boy I babysit, Sam, is doing rather well. He was mimicking my sounds today and has been doing much better in the standing up department. The Chinese lessons aren't faring so well, but that may just be because I don't speak Chinese, much less know how to teach it to an infant. But, c'est la vie!

* I'm rather frustrated with my group therapy class. We're practicing actually being in group therapy sessions right now and my group sucks. No one talks and everyone is just hung up on their fear of disclosing information. I think they just need to get over it.

* I've been reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin and, although I'm not finished with it yet, I'm telling you that you also need to read it. It is about a white journalist who wants to know what it is like to live the life of a black man in the deep south in 1959 so he undergoes medical treatment to alter the pigmentation of his skin. It is eye-opening and brilliant. It has provoked me to think more about race relations and hate crimes, including lynchings, both of which relate to tactics employed by our government currently, namely in amending the Constitution to ban gay marriages and capital punishment.

* I wish that people would more accurately consider their station in life before assuming privilege. For instance, I overheard a conversation between two girls today about the fact that military wives are by definition patriotic (they are both military wives whose husbands are out to sea). I think patriotism is something people tend to take lightly and it's something they (gross overgeneralization here) don't take seriously. It isn't something that is simply handed to you based on who you marry. I don't think that Laura Bush is any more or less patriotic than my mother based simply upon the fact that she is married to the president. I do realize that these women sacrifice quite a bit because of their husband's jobs, but that in no way endows them with more patriotism than the next person.

* I saw a man dressed in colonial garb about 12 miles from anything colonial. I don't know if he was just on his way to work or if he just enjoys the clothing that much, but I thought it amusing regardless.

Hightlights From My Trip Home Last Week

* Spending tons of time with Kelly and my family.

* I hung out one afternoon with Patri and her crazy family bought me lunch at Pollo Rey. Mmmm...

* The weather was beautiful and not at all humid.

* I spent some time in the BSU library to do research for my group therapy class. It was better than attempting research here because I'm familiar with the library and its computer system.

* My brother's 10th birthday was a lot of fun to help out with. Kelly thought it would be a good idea to get the kid a movable basketball hoop for his birthday. Turns out, the man was right. TJay loved it and has been playing b-ball since.

* My mom, sister and I went clothes shopping. Janessa was in dire need of some more adult clothes since she's not in elementary school any more. I was given a few hours to be Fashion Dictator of the World, which I love. Well, OK, maybe not of the world, but definitely of what Janessa took into the changing room.

* There was a night of hanging out and drinking with two of Kelly's close friends, Josh and Russ. I don't know them very well yet, but I had a great time and learned a lot about them both.

* Lunch with my dad, an old tradition. A day of fun with Tera, a newer tradition.

* Monday, Kelly and I accomplished a ton around the house. This involved me raking the entire yard, resulting in about 10 bags of leaves.

* Saturday, Kelly and I went and saw Napoleon Dynamite, which I highly, highly recommend. It is "smart" funny and just all around enjoyable.

* The night after I came into town my family had dinner in Chuck's honor because he has finally completed high school and has reinlisted in the Navy.

* Kelly and I met Patri for a debate dinner at a friend of her's house. We threw Cheerio's at the TV screen for every stupid thing said by our incumbent.

Good

I'm home this week and it is good. I just wanted to write here quickly since I haven't for a while. I think I'll allow an Ani lyric to sum it up for me.

it is good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends

Yay!

I packed last night which is fun. I'll most likely repack a bit later tonight because I've thought of some things I forgot and other things I won't need. I already repacked once this morning. I will be at home in 24.5 hours. I have class all this evening, which will make the rest of the day go by quickly, and then I get on the plane super early in the morning, so my day tomorrow will consist primarily of being on the plane and then spending time with Kelly! Yay!

Randomness About Me

* I'm currently listening to my roommate's loud radio blaring the song "I am a rock, I am an iiiiiiisland."

* I just finished eating lunch with my friend Helene and her boyfriend of two years, Gary. He isn't anything like I had anticipated. They did not interact hardly at all. Mostly, the interaction was between Helene and me or Gary and me. I like him, though.

* I will be in Boise in roughly 73 hours from right now. That means I get to pack soon!

* I've been forgetting lately how to communicate effectively with people in my life. This is odd to me because in all my counseling classes I am learning how to communicate perfectly with clients. It's as though the more I progress in class, the more lazy I become interpersonally.

* I have the coolest computer nerd cousin in the whole world.

* I need a good night's sleep more than I need a million dollars right now.