What I Do Not Like About...

I think that it is important for people to think critically about things in their life. Included in this are things you like and things you don't like. It is quite ridiculous in my opnion to just say that you like or don't like something without an actual, thought out reason for it. And so, I shall begin a mini-series simply to let people know that I do not like arbitrary things for arbitrary reasons.

What I Do Not Like About...
Bars of soap.

* If you are wearing rings when you wash with a bar of soap, little pieces of soap get stuck under your rings.

* If someone washes with a bar of soap when they have really dirty or oily hands (like they've been working outside or on a car) they will undoubtedly leave a dirty, black film on the bar.

* It is so easy so drop it while you're trying to wash. And since your hands are already slippery with soapiness, it is even harder to pick up the soap bar and to hold on to it afterwards.

* It always leaves a nasty film in the soap dish or side of the sink where it sits awaiting its next time to be used.

* It hurts when you drop them accidentally on your foot. Particularly in the shower. Particularly when you aren't expecting it. Particularly when you have problems picking it up again...(already stated problems here)

* If you want to move the bar of soap so that it is not cluttering up the side of your sink you must be cautious not to touch it if it is freshly used because then it is slimy and gross.

And so I propose the eternal use of liquid soap from a handy dispenser.

Here's another picture from graduation day. I thought that since I talk about Kelly so much I should include a very cute picture of the two of us.

Portland

Kelly and I got back from Portland last night. What an amazing vacation! We took our time driving, just enjoying each other's company. We went all over downtown Portland, to Saturday market and a gargantuan bookstore. We stayed in a hotel that used to be an elementary school. We visited with a bunch of his family members. We saw the current exhibit at the Portland Art Museum. We ate dinner at a Lebanese restaurant. We encountered a drag show. We went to a play. We took a million pictures. It was truly one of the most incredible trips I've ever taken. I didn't worry about anything there or at home. No one called and nothing went wrong (like the tire blowing up on the side of the freeway, as is known to happen when I'm on a road trip). We were able to spend the entire time together just having fun and doing whatever whimsical ideas popped into our heads as something that would be amusing. I must have thanked him a million times on the trip for giving me this trip as my graduation present and for putting it all together and making it the best trip ever, but I don't think one more time will hurt any. Thank you, Kelly.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Kelly and I leave Boise for Portland, where he is from. I am anticipating an awesome time with awesome company.

As a side note, I want to express how much it means to have the support of those who's opinions matter to you (me). I recently told a certain somebody about a situation in my life and the way with which it was handled. It was handled in a way that worked really well for myself and the other people involved, as it was a decision that we could agree on and one that made the involved parties happy. Her response was massive disappointment. Rather than letting me know how she would have handled it differently, simply alterting me to the alternative possibilities she saw, she told me she was disappointed in me. She said she thought I had been juvenilistic and couldn't have handled it worse. She had not a single positive thing to say, even something along the lines of "Well, even though I think you're stupid and completely disagree, I'm glad it worked out in your favor." I could not believe her audacity and blatant rudeness. Her opinion didn't change my own perception - if anything it made me believe more firmly that I was right - but I still just could not believe it. Isn't part of loving someone also supporting them? Isn't tact a better method of conveying opinions than outright criticism?

Besides, the incident had already passed so it isn't like she was going to alter any actions by opening her mouth and insulting me in the process.

Love

I've encountered an eye opening experience lately that has blessed me with the ability to see love and beauty more readily. After this, everywhere I look I see so much more beauty than I ever have. I guess I never realized how important beauty was to me until this, or even what beauty meant. For me, it is more than vanity, more than looking nice. It is more like a quality. It is the way light reflects off ordinary objects, providing a natural aspect to what we normally take for granted. The quality of beauty is internal, something to see everywhere and with everything, from a beautiful friend who looks like a portrait of a Renaissance cherub to an overly tan, overly skinny man drinking a beer on his porch across the street.

The best part about this was that I was able to experience this awakening with Kelly and through this experience I gained such a larger appreciation for my love of him. On some level, we understand each other so much better. It's a surreal level, one I never knew existed. We just look at each other and we know. We know without words. It is amazing.

Titles

Last night I was asked my marital status by a hospital professional. So I responded with "single" because I inherently know that on the majority of forms, I have the following choices:

single
married
divorced
widowed

But that doesn't really give me much room for definition. No, I'm not single, but I'm also not married. What if I was engaged? What if I was living with a same-sex partner? None of this is outlined in the scant options they afford you on stupid forms. Their form did not reflect me.

Patri and I were talking about this the other day because she read one on line that said "single and loving it" but she didn't see one that said "divorced and loving it," as though just because a person is divorced they are supposed to be miserable and searching for a replacement.

It really makes me think about what we've talked about in gender theory classes and discussions...The fact that if you're transgender, transexual or transvestite then you really can't mark an M or an F on any form.

Or in dealing with race...If my mother is European and my father is African, what am I? What if it's more complicated than that? What if my mother is also Polynesian and my father is also Cuban and I was born in Canada but living in Twin Falls, ID? What to claim? Should the "one drop rule" apply? Who makes these rules?

They try to fix everything by providing an "other" column, but who wants to be labeled at "other"? The "other" is something undefined, something indistinguishable.

I guess I don't even understand why they asked me that night. Whether or not I am married really doesn't have anything to do with my ailment. Insurance, sure, but not the ailment. Plus, on forms similar to that one, the categories don't necessarily define the population. I wouldn't fit on a four-choice marital status form. Should I label myself as "other"? Should I make the claim that I don't fit within the confines of the form, within the concept of what is acceptable? Or should I try to define myself according to what they provide for me, even though it isn't accurate to my lifestyle...?

Appreciation

Here are some things recently that I really appreciate.

Showers. I've been participating in tandem showers a lot lately, which is fun and intimate. I love the feeling of water all over me and the way that the bathroom fills with steam and how I feel warm all over, even though really nothing is wrapped around me, like when I'm warm and lying in bed. And then when the shower is over, I feel all clean and new. That's probably the best thing about a shower - the way that it can seem to wash away more than dirt. Showers are good for the soul. Showers are the answer to solving all the world's problems. When I become Supreme Dictator of Earth, I will stop all the killing and depravity. I will install showers in every home and brainwash my constituents to appreciate showers in a very similar manner to myself. Then they'll be happy and they won't steal from their neighbors or commit adultery or disrespect their parents. Hmmm...More brilliant ideas on my part...When I do become Supreme Dictator of Earth, I'll need to employ missionaries to do my evil bidding.

Time. I have a lot of it these days. It's really all that I have a lot of at all. Time is something that I have always been very aware of. I do a lot by schedules and keep my date book up to date even in the summers and I do everything on time and I freak out if I'm not punctual for something. I like to have my own time to do things for myself. Now I can give plenty of time to the people I love and it is making me incredibly happy. It especially makes me happy when I feel like I am helping someone or making their life just a little bit easier because of the time I can offer. Like on Saturday when I spent all day helping Kelly and his roommates move into Kelly's new house. Or when Patri or Bethany calls me and I can talk to them as long as they want or need. Or how all week this week I'm watching my little brother Conor, which really just involves a lot of playing. Plus, all this time I get to spend with the people I love gives me more of an opportunity to appreciate them before I leave for Virginia.

Hospitality. I love it so much when I go to someone's home and they make me feel welcome. Not just inviting-welcome, but so welcome that their home feels like my home. Like they really want me to be there.

Home. Lately, I've been calling three different places "home." One place I will always call home is mi mum's abode. I haven't lived there since I was 17, but it will always be home. All my stuff is at my grandma's house, so that is home, too. That's where I go for a change of clothing and when I spend time alone. When I start packing, this is where I will be performing said activity. And finally, I've been calling Kelly's new house "home" as well. I don't really have stuff there (some shower stuff and a continual rotation of clean clothing) but I do spend a lot of time there and that is where I sleep every night. I feel a lot more home there than I ever did at his previous house for whatever reason. And I like that a lot.

Fun

If you're looking for a good time on a fun web site, check out www.homestarrunner.com. There's also a link to the site in my side bar. If I may, I highly recommend the emails, in particular "english paper" and "dragon." After you read "dragon," I recommend going to the game section and playing the last game, "Trogdor." Prepare to laugh. Because it is funny.

More Bugs

I am also going to mention what's going on with my brother, since that's the most recent thing in life to piss me off.

So the slacker didn't graduate three weeks ago like he was supposed to. He has failed so many classes. Here's the catch: it's really no big deal and he could just get his GED except for the fact that he has enlisted in the Navy and they just need for him to graduate with his diploma before they'll let him do anything. And right now, they really, really want him. So much so that they are giving him any job he wants at any duty station he wants with a $7,000 signing bonus, all of which he'll lose if he can't go in September and the only thing keeping him from going in September is the whole diploma thing.

He's been "working on" a correspondence class for an English class he failed in 10th grade for the last year. I could easily have had this work done in a week; it isn't difficult stuff. Plus, he's taking three summer school classes this summer. And this correspondence class was due last month; except for the fact that mom filed for an extension so he has another three months.

Oh, it gets better. Chuck has never had a job. My mom pays for everything. And now she has also purchased for him a crappy vehicle so he can get to summer school and she's planning on paying for his insurance. She has to because he doesn't have a job to pay for it on his own.

She says that she helps me too and it isn't a big deal. I agree with this and I thoroughly appreciate the fact that she does help me. The thing that she doesn't seem to understand (and the true stem of my frustration) is the difference between helping me out (someone with a high school diploma, two college degrees and an extensive work history) and completely supporting my brother.

I've always wondered how it is that people can live with their parents long into adulthood (ie 45 years old). Now I know how that happens. It happens with people like my brother who have parents like my mother.

Bugs

There have been a number of instances recently that I have noticed where people have commented on racism against whites in instances where people are striving to create equal representation. This is very upsetting to me.

It is also very upsetting to me that people are arrogant enough to view life in that manner. Here's what I want anyone who thinks that they are being discriminated against because they are white to understand: It is because you are white that you have privileges in the first place and it is because someone else is not white that they need help in gaining those same privileges.

I see arrogance here because so many people think they inherently deserve said glory because they are inherently white. For example, they become upset when the "playing field" is "leveled." I mean, really, how dare anyone give an opportunity to someone else based simply on the color of their skin, right? Yeah, maybe what should really be happening is that all higher education, executive and managerial positions should only go to the majority race, the people who have historically been the only ones to be offered such positions or to be able to afford these luxuries. And that being the case, all the workers should be of the majority race as well so that they can by default work their way to the top.

Don't people realize that this is what would happen if there was no control of the issue - that every forward movement would be reversed and we would become even more bland and non-representative of our collective huddled masses? When we don't address things, they don't get better on their own and they don't go away. People seem to think that race isn't so much an issue in our culture any more. Sure, then why are there still hate crimes committed in the name of racism? Why are there racial slurs? Not just "spick" or "nigger," how about "I've been Jewed" or "He gypped me"? And if race is such a non-issue, then how is it that whites can think that they have become the target or racial hatred? It most obviously is an issue and the longer we try to ignore it or try to tell ourselves that it is going away or getting better, the more blind we become to the truth.

Marcy recently wrote a great article for the BSU paper, The Arbiter, in which she discusses this exact topic. You can read the whole article here, but this paragraph does a good job of explaining the topic as well:

"Racism is a form of oppression that cannot be understood without comprehending the systematic, institutional forces that uphold it. Like the word "nigger" that linguistically signifies the violence of racism, one cannot use either term without conjuring up an entire history of both words. Racism in this country is deeply tied to the history of enslaving and torturing an entire group of people who were forcibly removed from Africa and enslaved by white colonists in the Americas. This racism led to the genocide of over 60 million people of African descent as well as the Holocaust that exterminated over 100 million indigenous peoples whom we now consider Native American and Latin American. Consequently, the word racism is reserved to refer to a collective phenomenon in which the dominant power (read: white) oppresses marginalized groups (read: brown)."

If you should care to do some more reading or research to educate yourself - because education is a good thing for every person - on the "here's what's been bugging me lately" topic today, here are some links to sites I have located:

institutional racism
tolerance
women writers of color
NPR clip
center for equal opportunity
multiple links

Two Months

Today marks two months until I leave for Virginia. Well, it's a general/relative two months, anyway, since I don't know exactly when I'll be leaving.

Today also marks two months that I've been with Kelly.

The first-mentioned two months will bring something I've been looking forward to for four years but also something new and a little scary. They'll probably pass quicker than I realize.

The second-mentioned two months have been wonderful and I am very glad for them and hope for many more just as good if not better.

Celebration

Good news for the week: Kelly got home on Saturday, all in one piece. I thoroughly enjoyed spending the entire weekend with him. I knew I missed him, but the reality of just how badly didn't occur to me until I saw him. I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with the fact that I was an emotional wreck this weekend; I was crying at every little thing. Things just seemed to have more of an impact on me on a deep, personal level. And I do mean everything, not just stuff with Kelly.

I was reading some articles on www.stariq.com and came across something I would like to pass on because it really speaks to me - not only in dealing with the aftermath of a tear-flooded weekend, but also in dealing with the same sort of love/intimacy/fear stuff I've been dealing with for, well, my whole life.

"While the rewards of intimacy are considerable, the fears of intimacy are equally strong for most people. This is because intimacy, coming closer to another, merging fields and feelings, threatens one's identity. As much as we want the closeness, there is a natural resistance to it. If I include you in the center of my being where am I? Where is my old familiar self? The unconscious works powerfully to maintain the status quo, even an unhappy one. Fear of losing oneself is a powerful motivation to avoid too much closeness. However, this too can be included as part of the dance of love.

"Love, in a living form, is not constant. We don't feel the same way about one another every day, because we don't feel the same way about ourselves. Now I'm not talking about wild mood swings here, just the natural ebb and flow of attraction that is part of the human condition. Venus' attraction is balanced by Mars' struggle to maintain individuality. This is why couples need to fight, to push one another away to regain their individuality. When this is conscious it can be included in the dance, a normal process that neither has to be ashamed of.

...

"Connecting at a deep level is not like putting a key into a lock and turning it. It's more like a combination lock in which a number of different pieces need to fit into place before it opens.

...

"When a person has a healthy respect for self and a willingness to be vulnerable, the doors of intimacy open. The ground of a healthy relationship is two healthy individuals. Health here is not about perfection, total clarity or lack of ignorance. Health is the willingness to learn, to open ourselves, to speak and to listen. When this kind of aliveness is present intimacy arrives. And, with continued care and watering, it will flourish for a long, long time."

It beautifully explains a difficult thing and does a fine job of touching on my personal issues of privacy and individuality. I'm currently trying to open the circle of myself to a redefinition. I want to redefine who I am, knowing that I do not need to - nor do I want to - be an isolated being. I'm examining the possibility that I can be a whole person, even with someone else there, someone who is also a whole person, and that it doesn't diminish anything about either of us any more than it makes one of us completely dependent upon the other because we're there together. This applies to every intimate relationship I have, with all my close friends, and in particular with Kelly.

Wish me luck...

Ahhh....Respite

Since the culmination of school, I have been doing whatever I want, time-wise. Really. Now I do not go to school and I do not have a job, so therefore I do not have any responsibilities to time and other people's schedules, which is nice. The only time I have to concern myself with others' schedules is when my friends or family say things like "Hey, can you be [place] at [time]?" To which, I reply with an emphatic "Yes" because I have nothing else to do.

Now as awesome as it is and as little as I actually want a job right now, I have noticed myself going insane at times when I don't have anything to do except sit at home and crochet or something. I do enjoy that, but not all day for four days in a row. I've spent so much time being super busy all the time that when I am at the opposite end of the busy-spectrum I find myself scrapping to fill time while still being intellectually stimulating on some (at least minorly) significant level.

On a side note, yet still semi-related, Kelly comes home tomorrow. I am looking forward to this like a kid looks forward to Christmas when he KNOWS he'll be getting a brand new bike in addition to socks from Grandma. OK, so kids rarely get excited about socks from anyone, but I'm sure you get the point. I've been counting the days and just hoping that they pass without me noticing. He told me that he would probably be coming home in the afternoon. I told him that was unacceptable and unfair because he left here around sunrise two weeks ago. He told me he would talk to his CO about that and express our concern. I told him it was more than a concern, that it was a down right complaint. I told him that if his CO had any problems with my alteration of their flight schedule, he could just give me a call. Kelly's only real response was copious laughter. I love hearing him laugh. I can't wait to hear him laugh in person again...

OK, I'm saving the sappiness for another little project which I cannot mention here yet for reasons of secrecy. The truth of the matter is, I am a secret agent. This just means I report to a man in a dimly lit office and I wear sun glasses and a trench coat year-round. Occasionally, I go in cognito. In which case, I cannot tell you how I dress because then it wouldn't be very cognito, now, would it?

Friends

It is so cool to have cool friends. I've been doing some fun stuff with my blog lately. My help began with Patri, a girl who is good at pretending like she knows html and in fact does know it well enough to do a heck of a lot of cool stuff. Since then, I enlisted the help of my cousin Andrew who figured out how to get photos on here and my pal Jasper who aided me with making all my links so that they'll open a new window. Which is something I think is very cool.

And since I mentioned Patri, I will mention that I really enjoy that her and I have been hanging out again. There was some time when we didn't really see each other. I even have to admit that there was a time when I didn't miss her because I was finding it difficult to be happy around her. I'm sure she had complaints about me, too. I'm sorry we weren't able to work through it as it happened, but since then we've come together again and we've talked and we've rekindled this amazing friendship. That makes me so very happy because real, true, awesome friendships like ours are tough to obtain. And I know, because I've lost plenty of friends in my life through moving so much. I don't want to lose hers, despite the fact that I am moving again.